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Now . . . back to my situation . . . I am fascinated by my behavior . . . wanting to control to protect . . . the tendency to abandon self . . . as I was meditating last night in the hot tub, I realized that the entire point of meditation is to develop "The Witness," the wise, Source-connected presence that is always in the background. The personality and all of the busyness is the ego . . . fear is ego - it's cool to watch myself in action. I am learning so much! I thank my grandson for this opportunity at self-growth.