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I LOVE autistics' honesty!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 367921" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Shari, I normally get on well with mother in law. But when she's stressed for whatever reason, including her own health, she deflects a great deal and her behaviour can go out the window.</p><p></p><p>At the moment, with niece and her friend staying there, both girls are about 21 and sis-in-law is apparently constantly calling and asking, "How is my daughter? Is she OK?" and then niece takes the car out for the day, goes into the city with her fried, mother in law worries about them when they're getting home after dark (and at the moment it gets dark at 4.30 pm). Niece is doing well, mother in law freely admits this, but I know she worries.</p><p></p><p>And because she knows that she shouldn't be stressing about niece, she starts in somewhere else, somewhere she feels she has more chance. Or more latitude. Or something.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 has to get work done on his Assessment Task. This morning I've promised to go down to mother in law's to help niece and her friend make pasta. difficult child 3 probably should come with me, but if I can say that he's doing schoolwork, he can get out of it. But I'll tell him this, and tell him my alibi has to be honest. That could work for me, to get him finally getting schoolwork done in the holidays (always a difficult task).</p><p></p><p>Thing is, I'm going to mother in law's this morning, knowing she distorted yesterday's incident badly, as well as tried to hide it from me. My response is going to have to be NOT dealing directly with yesterday, but with the difference in her methods vs my methods. And my methods have more chance of working. hers have only caused conflict between them with no lesson learned. Whereas I had a long talk to him afterwards (husband also there, putting in his two cents worth very effectively) and I think we have managed to get across some very sophisticated (for difficult child 3) concepts, on how to put up and shut up, when there is no point speaking your mind. </p><p></p><p>I do still need to emphasise with difficult child 3, to come and tell me the details, not to simply sweep them under the carpet.</p><p></p><p>It was sad to have to hear husband say about his own mother, "Sometimes when people get old, their behaviour can get really childish. Kindergarten childish."</p><p>We then reinforced, "But in grandma's world, you respect your elders and do not speak harshly to them, no matter how much you feel they deserve it."</p><p></p><p>Very sad. But sis-in-law these days is a younger version, and the two together egg each other on. I'm not looking forward to this. </p><p></p><p>I used to get on well with sis-in-law. I should, still. But years of emotional abuse from her passive-aggressive husband have taught her some bad habits. She has two lovely daughters, but they have their own problems. They are also younger than my kids (difficult child 3 excepted - he's the youngest of them all). I've done a great job with my kids, considering the issues we've had. She's done a good job too. But none of us should criticise the other's parenting in such an underhand way. I don't undermine her parenting of her girls.</p><p></p><p>I think, if the crunch comes this time, I am going to have to come out and say this.</p><p></p><p>The problem is catching them in the act, because saying it at any other time would be met with blank stares and "I didn't do it!"</p><p></p><p>Grrr...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 367921, member: 1991"] Shari, I normally get on well with mother in law. But when she's stressed for whatever reason, including her own health, she deflects a great deal and her behaviour can go out the window. At the moment, with niece and her friend staying there, both girls are about 21 and sis-in-law is apparently constantly calling and asking, "How is my daughter? Is she OK?" and then niece takes the car out for the day, goes into the city with her fried, mother in law worries about them when they're getting home after dark (and at the moment it gets dark at 4.30 pm). Niece is doing well, mother in law freely admits this, but I know she worries. And because she knows that she shouldn't be stressing about niece, she starts in somewhere else, somewhere she feels she has more chance. Or more latitude. Or something. difficult child 3 has to get work done on his Assessment Task. This morning I've promised to go down to mother in law's to help niece and her friend make pasta. difficult child 3 probably should come with me, but if I can say that he's doing schoolwork, he can get out of it. But I'll tell him this, and tell him my alibi has to be honest. That could work for me, to get him finally getting schoolwork done in the holidays (always a difficult task). Thing is, I'm going to mother in law's this morning, knowing she distorted yesterday's incident badly, as well as tried to hide it from me. My response is going to have to be NOT dealing directly with yesterday, but with the difference in her methods vs my methods. And my methods have more chance of working. hers have only caused conflict between them with no lesson learned. Whereas I had a long talk to him afterwards (husband also there, putting in his two cents worth very effectively) and I think we have managed to get across some very sophisticated (for difficult child 3) concepts, on how to put up and shut up, when there is no point speaking your mind. I do still need to emphasise with difficult child 3, to come and tell me the details, not to simply sweep them under the carpet. It was sad to have to hear husband say about his own mother, "Sometimes when people get old, their behaviour can get really childish. Kindergarten childish." We then reinforced, "But in grandma's world, you respect your elders and do not speak harshly to them, no matter how much you feel they deserve it." Very sad. But sis-in-law these days is a younger version, and the two together egg each other on. I'm not looking forward to this. I used to get on well with sis-in-law. I should, still. But years of emotional abuse from her passive-aggressive husband have taught her some bad habits. She has two lovely daughters, but they have their own problems. They are also younger than my kids (difficult child 3 excepted - he's the youngest of them all). I've done a great job with my kids, considering the issues we've had. She's done a good job too. But none of us should criticise the other's parenting in such an underhand way. I don't undermine her parenting of her girls. I think, if the crunch comes this time, I am going to have to come out and say this. The problem is catching them in the act, because saying it at any other time would be met with blank stares and "I didn't do it!" Grrr... Marg [/QUOTE]
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