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I love my kids no matter how screwed up they are...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 630232" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Where Did I, it has been the hardest thing for me to see and step back from my kids. <em>One is 40, Where, and one is 39. Those are not kids. Those are adult people I am helping to remain stuck in some adolescent fantasy that the world is a place where you can be as self indulgent as you like, and there will always be someone there to believe you are a good man, a good woman.</em> We need to step back, Where. There is a slim chance that when we do, the kids will pick up and stand up. </p><p></p><p>Though I began this whole detachment thing with that thought in mind, I am beginning to get it that whatever these people who have hurt me so badly for so long do about their lives has less to do with me than I once believed.</p><p></p><p>The sad but sobering truth is that if my kids were to pick up now...I am not sure I would care. There have been too many holidays without them, too many birthdays and Mother's Days and Father's Days when we pretty much tore our hearts out over what had happened to our family.</p><p></p><p>And now, just recently...I am not sure I care about that so much, anymore. Time goes on. Life happens. There are so many places to find joy, so many ways to heal and so many reasons to heal, to reclaim my life and my sense of self worth.</p><p></p><p>Should I feel badly for that unbelievable change that has happened in my heart?</p><p></p><p>Know what I feel, instead?</p><p></p><p>Gratitude.</p><p></p><p>I have been is such pain Where, for so long a time.</p><p></p><p>*************************</p><p></p><p>During my time here on the site, I have finally begun to see that truth. For the sakes of my children, I need to learn to back away. And for my own sake, Where, I need to see what is happening for what it is and stop blaming myself. Trying to figure out where I went wrong, or where we went wrong as parents, was a necessary thing in the beginning. But somewhere along the way, I took that process of checking our parenting, that process of reviewing our family life to learn what it was that needed correcting, and made it my life.</p><p></p><p>How sad Where when, though the heart of the problem is probably drugs...I no longer care.</p><p></p><p>I am still in the process of learning and accepting this too, Where.</p><p></p><p>I spent something like twenty years inappropriately fixated on my kids. I am only just now letting myself off the guilt hook for how this could have happened. I kept trying to ferret out where the wrongness in our family had been. I ignored the drugs, the alcohol, the really, really bad people my kids started considering friends and blamed myself.</p><p></p><p>I believed for my children that they were better people than they are.</p><p></p><p>Don't do that, Where.</p><p></p><p>If our children were doing well, we could let them go and bask in their reflected glory. As our children are not doing well, we feel the task of raising them cannot possibly be done. Who wants kids who are doing what ours are doing? Who could ever back away and declare this good?</p><p></p><p>It is not good, Where. But it is over. We raised our children well or we would not be here on the site beating ourselves up over whatever it was that went so very wrong. But here is the thing: If we could have helped them out of who they've become, they would be everything we dreamed of and believed for them, today.</p><p></p><p>And they are not. In fact, in my case at least, my kids are so far from who I raised them to be as to be almost unrecognizable.</p><p></p><p>I think that is why so many of us with kids who are going a wrong way picture them in our minds as younger than they are.</p><p></p><p>The adults they became <em>once they were out of our care</em> bear no resemblance to the adults we raised them to become.</p><p></p><p>In my case, drugs are an issue for both kids. Our daughter's mental illness plays a part in her behaviors. One of the moms here on the site has had to learn to navigate around her own mental health issues. From her, I have learned that it is possible to take responsibility for yourself and for the quality of your life, even when we are coping with mental health issues. The difference between that mom and my daughter is that the mom who posts here does not use drugs.</p><p></p><p>My daughter does.</p><p></p><p>So does my son.</p><p></p><p>That is the issue.</p><p></p><p>Not how they were parented, and not how much I do or do not help them.</p><p></p><p>Addiction changes, weakens, breaks people down into the worst version of themselves.</p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry, Where...but from what you have posted to us, drugs are an issue for both your children.</p><p> </p><p>Your husband is right. My husband is right. My husband has been right for a very long time. In a way, he did what he did, poured money into the kids long after the time he believed that was appropriate, for me. In this time, we are both reclaiming ourselves. In this time, we are reclaiming our relationship to one another.</p><p></p><p>There have been so many wasted years, Where. There has been so much depression. Our lives (mine, for sure) have been focused on one child or the other.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could take that all back.</p><p></p><p>Cherish yourself and your husband. It turns out that, just as they've always told us, life is very short.</p><p> </p><p></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 630232, member: 17461"] Where Did I, it has been the hardest thing for me to see and step back from my kids. [I]One is 40, Where, and one is 39. Those are not kids. Those are adult people I am helping to remain stuck in some adolescent fantasy that the world is a place where you can be as self indulgent as you like, and there will always be someone there to believe you are a good man, a good woman.[/I] We need to step back, Where. There is a slim chance that when we do, the kids will pick up and stand up. Though I began this whole detachment thing with that thought in mind, I am beginning to get it that whatever these people who have hurt me so badly for so long do about their lives has less to do with me than I once believed. The sad but sobering truth is that if my kids were to pick up now...I am not sure I would care. There have been too many holidays without them, too many birthdays and Mother's Days and Father's Days when we pretty much tore our hearts out over what had happened to our family. And now, just recently...I am not sure I care about that so much, anymore. Time goes on. Life happens. There are so many places to find joy, so many ways to heal and so many reasons to heal, to reclaim my life and my sense of self worth. Should I feel badly for that unbelievable change that has happened in my heart? Know what I feel, instead? Gratitude. I have been is such pain Where, for so long a time. ************************* During my time here on the site, I have finally begun to see that truth. For the sakes of my children, I need to learn to back away. And for my own sake, Where, I need to see what is happening for what it is and stop blaming myself. Trying to figure out where I went wrong, or where we went wrong as parents, was a necessary thing in the beginning. But somewhere along the way, I took that process of checking our parenting, that process of reviewing our family life to learn what it was that needed correcting, and made it my life. How sad Where when, though the heart of the problem is probably drugs...I no longer care. I am still in the process of learning and accepting this too, Where. I spent something like twenty years inappropriately fixated on my kids. I am only just now letting myself off the guilt hook for how this could have happened. I kept trying to ferret out where the wrongness in our family had been. I ignored the drugs, the alcohol, the really, really bad people my kids started considering friends and blamed myself. I believed for my children that they were better people than they are. Don't do that, Where. If our children were doing well, we could let them go and bask in their reflected glory. As our children are not doing well, we feel the task of raising them cannot possibly be done. Who wants kids who are doing what ours are doing? Who could ever back away and declare this good? It is not good, Where. But it is over. We raised our children well or we would not be here on the site beating ourselves up over whatever it was that went so very wrong. But here is the thing: If we could have helped them out of who they've become, they would be everything we dreamed of and believed for them, today. And they are not. In fact, in my case at least, my kids are so far from who I raised them to be as to be almost unrecognizable. I think that is why so many of us with kids who are going a wrong way picture them in our minds as younger than they are. The adults they became [I]once they were out of our care[/I] bear no resemblance to the adults we raised them to become. In my case, drugs are an issue for both kids. Our daughter's mental illness plays a part in her behaviors. One of the moms here on the site has had to learn to navigate around her own mental health issues. From her, I have learned that it is possible to take responsibility for yourself and for the quality of your life, even when we are coping with mental health issues. The difference between that mom and my daughter is that the mom who posts here does not use drugs. My daughter does. So does my son. That is the issue. Not how they were parented, and not how much I do or do not help them. Addiction changes, weakens, breaks people down into the worst version of themselves. I'm so sorry, Where...but from what you have posted to us, drugs are an issue for both your children. Your husband is right. My husband is right. My husband has been right for a very long time. In a way, he did what he did, poured money into the kids long after the time he believed that was appropriate, for me. In this time, we are both reclaiming ourselves. In this time, we are reclaiming our relationship to one another. There have been so many wasted years, Where. There has been so much depression. Our lives (mine, for sure) have been focused on one child or the other. I wish I could take that all back. Cherish yourself and your husband. It turns out that, just as they've always told us, life is very short. [I] [/I] [I][/I] [/QUOTE]
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