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<blockquote data-quote="jbrain" data-source="post: 422452" data-attributes="member: 3450"><p>Hi Jena,</p><p>just wanted to let you know my difficult child 1 was a mess when she left home too. She moved out to live with her boyfriend (she'd known him about a week) when she was 17, about a month shy of her 18th birthday.</p><p></p><p>She had been in a lockdown Residential Treatment Center (RTC) out in Utah for about 8 1/2 months when she was 16. She did great there--thrived on the structure, the relationships she formed with the other girls, had a wonderful therapist, etc. Yet, when she returned home she reverted to her old behaviors and was worse than ever (drugs, alcohol, boys, staying away from home, etc.). </p><p></p><p>The summer she was 17 she spent running around doing as she pleased--nothing we did made any difference. She was in therapy, was on a PINS, etc. None of it mattered. We just kept reporting her missing when she didn't come home. Eventually she was picked up by the police, sent to Juvy, then court ordered to a dual diagnosis Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in the eastern part of the state.</p><p></p><p>Again, she did great--she got her GED while there which was a total shock to me since she had no interest in school before that. But, once again, when she was released she returned to the same old thing. That was in March and she moved out to be with boyfriend in May.</p><p></p><p>They spent the summer in New England, bumming around, living in homeless shelters. She started having seizures and was found to be having pseudo seizures, probably due to the stress she was living under. She also got pregnant and miscarried. We allowed her to come home in August because she said she was tired, miserable, just wanted to rest and she was going to get her life together, blah, blah, blah...</p><p></p><p>As I had mentioned in another thread, we ended up kicking her out because she did nothing to improve her life, just used us as a hotel.</p><p></p><p>The next 4 years (til she was 22) she spent with this boyfriend who turned out to be abusive, controlling, just really horrible. They had a child, a boy, in Nov. of 2008 and she ended up giving him up to a friend because the boyfriend was neglecting him while she was at work (he made her work but did nothing but sit around playing video games all day and would not even change the baby's diaper).</p><p></p><p>Last May she found out she was pregnant again and they were stuck in Chicago with no money. She was supposed to be joining the Navy but that was out of the question now. She called me for money (I had no idea she was pregnant, had no idea of most of what I am telling you now, including that she had given up her son). I refused. They ended up going to Georgia to his stepfather and E, my difficult child, met a woman (the boyfriend's stepsister) who immediately saw what was going on. </p><p></p><p>E asked her for help and she and her husband took her in. The boyfriend left town to work on the oil spill in Mississippi and E cut all ties with him. </p><p></p><p>Long story short, this amazing woman helped E but E had to be ready for the help. She says when she found out she was pregnant again she couldn't go through what she had gone through with her son and she knew it would be the same situation all over again. She was looking for a way out and her friend provided it.</p><p></p><p>She now has a beautiful 3 month old baby girl and she is also working on getting her son back (he was taken away from her friend for suspected child abuse--long story!)</p><p></p><p>She has totally changed and she has apologized so many times for the **** she put our family through. She has made amends with all of us--has not made excuses for herself and also has given us the space to have her earn our trust. She is so thankful that she has a new chance in life. She says there were many times she just wanted to kill herself, she felt so hopeless. She thought we would never be able to forgive her. </p><p></p><p>The point of this long story is to let you know that things can seem so bleak and yet turn out okay. I had given up on my daughter. I accepted that she was who she was and though I loved her I had a life to live and other children to give my time to. I truly had gone on with my life. I had little contact with her and never knew if she was lying or not (she usually was). I just took everything she said at face value and it didn't affect my life one way or another.</p><p></p><p>By doing nothing yet being "here" I think it was the best thing I could have done. When she was ready she reached out to me. Also, I see that I was not the one who could start her on the path back. The woman who has taken her in is the person who helped her change her life and I am so thankful to her. I know your dtr is not in a situation like that but she may be some day.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, hang in there and never lose hope but do go on with your own life--that is the best thing you can do for yourself and for both your dtrs.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p>Jane</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="jbrain, post: 422452, member: 3450"] Hi Jena, just wanted to let you know my difficult child 1 was a mess when she left home too. She moved out to live with her boyfriend (she'd known him about a week) when she was 17, about a month shy of her 18th birthday. She had been in a lockdown Residential Treatment Center (RTC) out in Utah for about 8 1/2 months when she was 16. She did great there--thrived on the structure, the relationships she formed with the other girls, had a wonderful therapist, etc. Yet, when she returned home she reverted to her old behaviors and was worse than ever (drugs, alcohol, boys, staying away from home, etc.). The summer she was 17 she spent running around doing as she pleased--nothing we did made any difference. She was in therapy, was on a PINS, etc. None of it mattered. We just kept reporting her missing when she didn't come home. Eventually she was picked up by the police, sent to Juvy, then court ordered to a dual diagnosis Residential Treatment Center (RTC) in the eastern part of the state. Again, she did great--she got her GED while there which was a total shock to me since she had no interest in school before that. But, once again, when she was released she returned to the same old thing. That was in March and she moved out to be with boyfriend in May. They spent the summer in New England, bumming around, living in homeless shelters. She started having seizures and was found to be having pseudo seizures, probably due to the stress she was living under. She also got pregnant and miscarried. We allowed her to come home in August because she said she was tired, miserable, just wanted to rest and she was going to get her life together, blah, blah, blah... As I had mentioned in another thread, we ended up kicking her out because she did nothing to improve her life, just used us as a hotel. The next 4 years (til she was 22) she spent with this boyfriend who turned out to be abusive, controlling, just really horrible. They had a child, a boy, in Nov. of 2008 and she ended up giving him up to a friend because the boyfriend was neglecting him while she was at work (he made her work but did nothing but sit around playing video games all day and would not even change the baby's diaper). Last May she found out she was pregnant again and they were stuck in Chicago with no money. She was supposed to be joining the Navy but that was out of the question now. She called me for money (I had no idea she was pregnant, had no idea of most of what I am telling you now, including that she had given up her son). I refused. They ended up going to Georgia to his stepfather and E, my difficult child, met a woman (the boyfriend's stepsister) who immediately saw what was going on. E asked her for help and she and her husband took her in. The boyfriend left town to work on the oil spill in Mississippi and E cut all ties with him. Long story short, this amazing woman helped E but E had to be ready for the help. She says when she found out she was pregnant again she couldn't go through what she had gone through with her son and she knew it would be the same situation all over again. She was looking for a way out and her friend provided it. She now has a beautiful 3 month old baby girl and she is also working on getting her son back (he was taken away from her friend for suspected child abuse--long story!) She has totally changed and she has apologized so many times for the **** she put our family through. She has made amends with all of us--has not made excuses for herself and also has given us the space to have her earn our trust. She is so thankful that she has a new chance in life. She says there were many times she just wanted to kill herself, she felt so hopeless. She thought we would never be able to forgive her. The point of this long story is to let you know that things can seem so bleak and yet turn out okay. I had given up on my daughter. I accepted that she was who she was and though I loved her I had a life to live and other children to give my time to. I truly had gone on with my life. I had little contact with her and never knew if she was lying or not (she usually was). I just took everything she said at face value and it didn't affect my life one way or another. By doing nothing yet being "here" I think it was the best thing I could have done. When she was ready she reached out to me. Also, I see that I was not the one who could start her on the path back. The woman who has taken her in is the person who helped her change her life and I am so thankful to her. I know your dtr is not in a situation like that but she may be some day. Anyway, hang in there and never lose hope but do go on with your own life--that is the best thing you can do for yourself and for both your dtrs. Hugs, Jane [/QUOTE]
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