Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654477" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am distancing myself from my sister and from my mother, too. For today, for right now, it feels like the right thing, for me. As I heal, as I learn to believe myself and center my locus of control within, where it belongs, I may see them again. When I do see them...I don't know. Part of my pathology is believing I am responsible when things go wrong.</p><p></p><p>As I let go of that, what then is my role there? If I no longer believe I can make all this better for all of us, if I have let go of that superhuman, superforgiving, superunderstanding persona, if I have chosen to be real instead...how is all that nastiness going to look? </p><p></p><p>And you know what they say. We slip back into that comfortable old toxicity. It never loses its allure because we trust it. It got us through, helped us survive, some awful things.</p><p></p><p>But now is our time to heal.</p><p></p><p>Could it be grief you feel, and not necessarily that you are missing your sister? Grief, and regret at the way things undeniably are?</p><p></p><p>As I have learned to choose "kinder" as my intention toward myself, and as I have set an intention to be aware of the underlying negative messages roaring away just under the level of conscious awareness, I am having to acknowledge such ugliness in my story, in the story that is the story of my life. Once I was able to do that though, I was able to admire myself, maybe for the first time, for my courage and resilience and even for the roles I do take on.</p><p></p><p>I tried to do the best I know. </p><p></p><p>We all do.</p><p></p><p>In a way, we all are heroes, trying our hardest to make this work.</p><p></p><p>There are no villains, here. For some of us, our families of origin were way dysfunctional, were warped, time-locked places where nothing made sense. And we were hurt, and worse yet, we were taught that it was alright to hurt us. We grew twisted around that core, and we came into our adulthoods without our centers.</p><p></p><p>And we tried to come to balance in the only ways we knew. </p><p></p><p>We survived. </p><p></p><p>And that is a gift, a priceless gift.</p><p></p><p>Every breath, really.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is a lifetime of grief in your story, Copacabana. But just like it is with our kids, we are required to see what <em>is</em>, not how badly we feel over what is not. </p><p></p><p>How we feel about our children is a sacred and private thing. (Cedar hears k.d. lang Halleluiah and has a very cool and private moment with herself, and with her children. Love you.)</p><p></p><p>Back to business.</p><p></p><p>Some people are differently wired. Perhaps your sister is like that.</p><p></p><p>They receive pleasure, or come to some internal balance, or justify a pathology we know nothing about, through their interactions with others. If you have been hurt by someone like that, you will see that same pattern reflected over and over, in their lives.</p><p></p><p>It has nothing to do with you.</p><p></p><p>Your victimization had nothing to do with you. It's like they go on automatic pilot. It is one thing to be hurt through misunderstanding. It is another thing entirely to be used in a game you never agreed to play.</p><p></p><p>Only you can decide how you want to take this forward.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I can understand wanting to see your sister.</p><p></p><p>If you do, you should call her.</p><p></p><p>It is never wrong to try. You could even say something so simply true as "I just wanted to hear your voice." It doesn't do us much good to pretend we can make it through the troubles and into the relationship both sisters, in their secret hearts, want.</p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean we mean nothing to one another.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't mean that, at all.</p><p></p><p>That is your sister. Of course you love her. She is witness to your life. That is a rare thing, in this high speed world of ours. Without her, there is a piece missing in you.</p><p></p><p>But some of us are wired differently Copacabana, and I think wiring cannot be changed. So you would need to set an intention of cherishing yourself, and of non-judgment, and of a time of personal review and assessment for after you speak to your sister.</p><p></p><p>Sort of like, damage control for the heart.</p><p></p><p>We are here.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone with it, anymore.</p><p></p><p>I heard it described this way, once: It is as though we have set out on a journey. We find ourselves lost in the savagery of a primitive forest. Huge trees. Strange noises. </p><p></p><p>No moon.</p><p></p><p>No stars.</p><p></p><p>In the far, far distance, a glimmering of light.</p><p></p><p>Those are candles held by those who keep watch.</p><p></p><p>Each has been through that same lost-in-time forest.</p><p></p><p>They know a thing you do not.</p><p></p><p>That you will come through this.</p><p></p><p>That is why they are there, each holding a candle, a white candle.</p><p></p><p>Keep going.</p><p></p><p>Dark as it gets, remember there is someone who knows you are coming through. </p><p></p><p>It is only a question of when.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>So that you will know you tried.</p><p></p><p>That is the only thing that ever matters, Copacabana.</p><p></p><p>That we did our best as we knew it to be in the time we were given. There is nothing else, really. </p><p></p><p>Begin by loving yourself, first. Sifting through the shaming times and blessing ourselves for our courage instead of condemning ourselves for messing up is a beginning.</p><p></p><p>I am happy for you.</p><p></p><p>You are on the path.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>And we are all right there, holding white candles; the same white candles we hold for our children and ourselves, and for everyone we love.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654477, member: 17461"] I am distancing myself from my sister and from my mother, too. For today, for right now, it feels like the right thing, for me. As I heal, as I learn to believe myself and center my locus of control within, where it belongs, I may see them again. When I do see them...I don't know. Part of my pathology is believing I am responsible when things go wrong. As I let go of that, what then is my role there? If I no longer believe I can make all this better for all of us, if I have let go of that superhuman, superforgiving, superunderstanding persona, if I have chosen to be real instead...how is all that nastiness going to look? And you know what they say. We slip back into that comfortable old toxicity. It never loses its allure because we trust it. It got us through, helped us survive, some awful things. But now is our time to heal. Could it be grief you feel, and not necessarily that you are missing your sister? Grief, and regret at the way things undeniably are? As I have learned to choose "kinder" as my intention toward myself, and as I have set an intention to be aware of the underlying negative messages roaring away just under the level of conscious awareness, I am having to acknowledge such ugliness in my story, in the story that is the story of my life. Once I was able to do that though, I was able to admire myself, maybe for the first time, for my courage and resilience and even for the roles I do take on. I tried to do the best I know. We all do. In a way, we all are heroes, trying our hardest to make this work. There are no villains, here. For some of us, our families of origin were way dysfunctional, were warped, time-locked places where nothing made sense. And we were hurt, and worse yet, we were taught that it was alright to hurt us. We grew twisted around that core, and we came into our adulthoods without our centers. And we tried to come to balance in the only ways we knew. We survived. And that is a gift, a priceless gift. Every breath, really. There is a lifetime of grief in your story, Copacabana. But just like it is with our kids, we are required to see what [I]is[/I], not how badly we feel over what is not. How we feel about our children is a sacred and private thing. (Cedar hears k.d. lang Halleluiah and has a very cool and private moment with herself, and with her children. Love you.) Back to business. Some people are differently wired. Perhaps your sister is like that. They receive pleasure, or come to some internal balance, or justify a pathology we know nothing about, through their interactions with others. If you have been hurt by someone like that, you will see that same pattern reflected over and over, in their lives. It has nothing to do with you. Your victimization had nothing to do with you. It's like they go on automatic pilot. It is one thing to be hurt through misunderstanding. It is another thing entirely to be used in a game you never agreed to play. Only you can decide how you want to take this forward. I can understand wanting to see your sister. If you do, you should call her. It is never wrong to try. You could even say something so simply true as "I just wanted to hear your voice." It doesn't do us much good to pretend we can make it through the troubles and into the relationship both sisters, in their secret hearts, want. That doesn't mean we mean nothing to one another. It doesn't mean that, at all. That is your sister. Of course you love her. She is witness to your life. That is a rare thing, in this high speed world of ours. Without her, there is a piece missing in you. But some of us are wired differently Copacabana, and I think wiring cannot be changed. So you would need to set an intention of cherishing yourself, and of non-judgment, and of a time of personal review and assessment for after you speak to your sister. Sort of like, damage control for the heart. We are here. You are not alone with it, anymore. I heard it described this way, once: It is as though we have set out on a journey. We find ourselves lost in the savagery of a primitive forest. Huge trees. Strange noises. No moon. No stars. In the far, far distance, a glimmering of light. Those are candles held by those who keep watch. Each has been through that same lost-in-time forest. They know a thing you do not. That you will come through this. That is why they are there, each holding a candle, a white candle. Keep going. Dark as it gets, remember there is someone who knows you are coming through. It is only a question of when. So that you will know you tried. That is the only thing that ever matters, Copacabana. That we did our best as we knew it to be in the time we were given. There is nothing else, really. Begin by loving yourself, first. Sifting through the shaming times and blessing ourselves for our courage instead of condemning ourselves for messing up is a beginning. I am happy for you. You are on the path. :O) And we are all right there, holding white candles; the same white candles we hold for our children and ourselves, and for everyone we love. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
Top