Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 654533" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Elizabethanne, Thank you. I read your reply but will leave a more complete response until tomorrow when I am not so tired. I am wondering towards what end you are second guessing the quality and quantity of your giving. I could say more about this, but for what? 20 bags full of Costco dog food...Would it have made a difference? From what I read between the lines of your post, you were WITH HER as her Mother left this earth. This is a gift for ETERNITY. And she is putting a MONEY price on it? This to me is UNFATHOMABLE. Have I put enough caps in so that you are getting my point?</p><p></p><p>I will quickly respond to your question about my sister and how and if she is like me...or not. It is such a helpful question.</p><p></p><p>First, I do not see myself as strong. Not weak. But something other than strong. Maybe tomorrow I will try to explain.</p><p></p><p>Second, I am trying to select four positively-imbued adjectives to describe my sister---and shame on me, I cannot do it. All of them would need to be qualified. Double shame on me. She is not open. She is generous with food. I think she is centered with her pets, children and husband...in other words, she acts centered when she is in her territory or center---but with no one else and nowhere else. I feel she is bitter and vengeful. She seeks advantage with others, particularly over others.</p><p></p><p>I will give you an example of the latter: When my child was 19 we discovered she had an illness that had been undetected since birth. She and I were almost destroyed by the diagnosis. I am not sure why it was so devastating but it was.</p><p></p><p>Within a year or so, the illness worsened and shortly after I was at my sister's home with her and her family. Something prompted me to mention the illness, and I did. Everyone kept silent. No response. All 4 of them just looked at me.</p><p></p><p>Now the thing is I knew (via my Mother) that my sister's husband had the very same illness. My openness was for my sister an opportunity. Not to reveal that a family member had the illness but to reach out, to share. She could have said something simple like someone close to me, is ill too. I know how it must feel. She said nothing. Instead she let me bear the stigma and the loneliness of being the only one afflicted (which of course, i did not take on.)</p><p></p><p>As I write this, I acknowledge the difficulty, not only of walking all this back, but of building a bridge forward. To go forward, there must be a common language. I fear there is not.</p><p></p><p>My sister and her children are the only living link to my Mother. To not have my sister in my life means I have lost my Mother completely. It is this that so strongly motivates me to make a bridge. It is not my sister at all, or her children. It is my Mother.</p><p></p><p>Now this last piece brings this thread full circle. (Thank You ElizabethAnne). I have mentioned several times that my sister chose to separate herself completely from us as my mother died. It was not an easy death. There was drama, lots of decisions, suffering and grief. Had it been I that rejected my mother I think my Mother could have better accepted it. (There had been an alliance between them for many decades.)</p><p></p><p>I could not understand my sister. I could understand her actions on their face, but I could not grab hold of what she was doing. Reject our mother as she died? Again and again I repeated: She is doing this for eternity. How can she do this for eternity? What does she do with her feelings? How can she allow my Mother to go to her death for eternity...causing her this pain? Somehow the notion that this act was eternal, with no chance for a do-over I found so difficult to accept.</p><p></p><p>The answer is she stole all of the photographs, even my personal photographs of my child. None are left of anybody. She left me nothing. She will use the photographs to idealize and invent a beautiful ending where she is the heroine, and I the villain. And that is my sister: She will fashion a narrative that is congruent with what she needs. She will believe it. She will cast villains to suit her needs.</p><p></p><p>All of you have helped me to understand that to look for anything from my sister in the near term, if ever, would be fruitless, and potentially hurtful and self-punishing.</p><p></p><p>There may however be a day when I decide, as older sister, and stronger...that I be there for my sister...without the expectation of anything....just because.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 654533, member: 18958"] Elizabethanne, Thank you. I read your reply but will leave a more complete response until tomorrow when I am not so tired. I am wondering towards what end you are second guessing the quality and quantity of your giving. I could say more about this, but for what? 20 bags full of Costco dog food...Would it have made a difference? From what I read between the lines of your post, you were WITH HER as her Mother left this earth. This is a gift for ETERNITY. And she is putting a MONEY price on it? This to me is UNFATHOMABLE. Have I put enough caps in so that you are getting my point? I will quickly respond to your question about my sister and how and if she is like me...or not. It is such a helpful question. First, I do not see myself as strong. Not weak. But something other than strong. Maybe tomorrow I will try to explain. Second, I am trying to select four positively-imbued adjectives to describe my sister---and shame on me, I cannot do it. All of them would need to be qualified. Double shame on me. She is not open. She is generous with food. I think she is centered with her pets, children and husband...in other words, she acts centered when she is in her territory or center---but with no one else and nowhere else. I feel she is bitter and vengeful. She seeks advantage with others, particularly over others. I will give you an example of the latter: When my child was 19 we discovered she had an illness that had been undetected since birth. She and I were almost destroyed by the diagnosis. I am not sure why it was so devastating but it was. Within a year or so, the illness worsened and shortly after I was at my sister's home with her and her family. Something prompted me to mention the illness, and I did. Everyone kept silent. No response. All 4 of them just looked at me. Now the thing is I knew (via my Mother) that my sister's husband had the very same illness. My openness was for my sister an opportunity. Not to reveal that a family member had the illness but to reach out, to share. She could have said something simple like someone close to me, is ill too. I know how it must feel. She said nothing. Instead she let me bear the stigma and the loneliness of being the only one afflicted (which of course, i did not take on.) As I write this, I acknowledge the difficulty, not only of walking all this back, but of building a bridge forward. To go forward, there must be a common language. I fear there is not. My sister and her children are the only living link to my Mother. To not have my sister in my life means I have lost my Mother completely. It is this that so strongly motivates me to make a bridge. It is not my sister at all, or her children. It is my Mother. Now this last piece brings this thread full circle. (Thank You ElizabethAnne). I have mentioned several times that my sister chose to separate herself completely from us as my mother died. It was not an easy death. There was drama, lots of decisions, suffering and grief. Had it been I that rejected my mother I think my Mother could have better accepted it. (There had been an alliance between them for many decades.) I could not understand my sister. I could understand her actions on their face, but I could not grab hold of what she was doing. Reject our mother as she died? Again and again I repeated: She is doing this for eternity. How can she do this for eternity? What does she do with her feelings? How can she allow my Mother to go to her death for eternity...causing her this pain? Somehow the notion that this act was eternal, with no chance for a do-over I found so difficult to accept. The answer is she stole all of the photographs, even my personal photographs of my child. None are left of anybody. She left me nothing. She will use the photographs to idealize and invent a beautiful ending where she is the heroine, and I the villain. And that is my sister: She will fashion a narrative that is congruent with what she needs. She will believe it. She will cast villains to suit her needs. All of you have helped me to understand that to look for anything from my sister in the near term, if ever, would be fruitless, and potentially hurtful and self-punishing. There may however be a day when I decide, as older sister, and stronger...that I be there for my sister...without the expectation of anything....just because. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
Top