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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654940" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, why did my mother answer my calls and talk to me before she disowned me? She could have said, "We're done." "I hate you." "For reasons best known to you, you are no longer my daughter." It would have been kinder and she knew it. In her case, she was not doing it to be nice or normal. She cared about neither. She was doing it to stick it to me and make it hurt worse, is my best guess. At the same time, she certainly was saying, by not recipricating my calls, "Call me if you wish, but I will never forgive you for whatever you'd did (counting up all her many grudges which I was never informed of.). So this was on me for wanting something badly enough (civility and closure) that I kept on being a fool.</p><p></p><p>There is a mean gene in our family. Mother has it. My grandmther had it (and was very good at hiding it and, in my opinion, was a nicer person anyway). My uncle was just a jerk...treated people like dirt, such as the girlfriends he cheated on and my sons, but I don't know if he was mean. Same with brother. Rather emotionless, but not particularly mean. Sister blows mean to high levels. I can too. However, I try very hard to control my mean and it has only happened once in the past twenty years after my dad had everyone telling me how "bad" I was on his 85th birthday and my sister was throwing oil on the fire. I did blow up and leave a nasty message for my dad on his phone. It was directed more at my brother. My brother happened to be there and hear it. I apologized and explained that I do have mental illness and while I an usually control myself extreme pressure and stress can override my medications and coping skills. Apparently, he never did forgive me because there was no interaction between us since then, except the letter he wrote to me. Yet he forgave my sister for so many years of "You are so ugly and gross and you are not invited to my wedding because my soriety sisters (I hate the snobbery of sororieties) will know I have an ugly brother and that would embarass me." Cedar, does this make sense to you? If it does, please share. I stopped trying to figure it out other than to realize that in my particular FOO, anyone can do anything horrible to somebody, but they WILL eventually be forgiven, except for me. Why? That's easy. I am the designated scapegoat. If I do something stupid or am not nice, and that's THEIR opinion of nice, it is a blight I wear like a Scarlet A on my forehead forever. But only me. Nobody else they know.</p><p></p><p>So, yes, we are talking about the abnormal and no sense. It is what it is and, if you pinned them down, they probably would not give a clearcut answer.</p><p></p><p>Interviewer: You say your boyfriend abuses you.</p><p></p><p>Sis: He does. For five years.</p><p></p><p>Interviewer: And you sister abuses you?</p><p></p><p>Sis: Oh, yes.</p><p></p><p>Interviewer: As consistantly and a meanly as him?</p><p></p><p>Sis: Well, one time she...</p><p></p><p>Interviewer" No. Answer the question.</p><p></p><p>Sis: Well...</p><p></p><p>Interviewer: How many times have you hung up the phone on your boyfriend and called the cops when he insisted on continuing to text you after you told him not to?</p><p></p><p>Sis: (uncomfortably) Never</p><p></p><p>Interviewer: But you have done this to your sister many times. Called the cops because you were mad at her, asked her not to call, and she called.</p><p></p><p>Sis" Yes. But...</p><p></p><p></p><p>Interviewer" But what?</p><p></p><p>Sis: B-but I LOVE my boyfriend!!!!</p><p></p><p>You get the gist of it. Yes, she would get mad and hang up and I'd get mad and call back to try figure it out and she would call thel cops for "harassment" but she has never done that to her boyfriend whom she admits abuses her. Now I get that I shouldn't have called her if she asked me not to, but to call the cops? To blot me out for months and years because of this and then to suddenly pop back into my life with the same swiftness that she left? That is not how normal families function.</p><p></p><p>Tell me how this makes sense.</p><p></p><p>This is old baggage from childhood which she doesn't share with her real abuser. He is not from her FOO. And I really think that's where it is all coming from. Perhaps (and this is only a guess) she is jealous because my life ended up good and she thinks she deserved the good life, not me.</p><p></p><p>But none of this is logical. And none of your FOO's stuff is logical. The "logic" behind these interactions in our families are twisted and old and should have been buried, but we have a FOO who carries that mean gene. And when the claws come out, so does Mean Gene. And they do these things for no other reasons than to irrationally hurt us and to irrationally think they scored a win. And they do hurt us. And they do win, if that is their goal.</p><p></p><p>Can you think of anything else?</p><p></p><p>Cedar, as for answering the phone, if you feel up to up and want to talk to her, answer it. If you don't feel up to it and don't want to answer it, let her leave a message. She isn't going to know you're standing there letting it go to voicemail...hehe. Oops...there goes the Mean Gene. Get back here!!!!</p><p></p><p>As for when your mother passes, in dysfunctional families, that can cause feuds to escalate. My poor dad...I hope he lives twenty more years...but if he doesn't, my husband and I have already planned to go to his funeral with our REAL family, stay only with our REAL family, and give him the respect he deserves then go home. Brother is executor of th e will. I will make sure I get my money if he doesn't send it in a timely fashion, but otherwise I am not going to interact with either of them at all. And if for some reason he holds it back, I'm not sure I'd even care enough about it to fight it. I really don't want anymore FOO wars, especially because of the tragedy of a lost loved one. But my own Mean Gene will probably make sure I don't get the shaft one last time, even if we have to hire a lawyer. That way the interactions will be between lawyers, not us. Brother is pretty logical and cut and dried. He'll likely do exactly what Dad wants him to do so I don't anticipate a problem. And then my FOO will be a past memory.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654940, member: 1550"] Cedar, why did my mother answer my calls and talk to me before she disowned me? She could have said, "We're done." "I hate you." "For reasons best known to you, you are no longer my daughter." It would have been kinder and she knew it. In her case, she was not doing it to be nice or normal. She cared about neither. She was doing it to stick it to me and make it hurt worse, is my best guess. At the same time, she certainly was saying, by not recipricating my calls, "Call me if you wish, but I will never forgive you for whatever you'd did (counting up all her many grudges which I was never informed of.). So this was on me for wanting something badly enough (civility and closure) that I kept on being a fool. There is a mean gene in our family. Mother has it. My grandmther had it (and was very good at hiding it and, in my opinion, was a nicer person anyway). My uncle was just a jerk...treated people like dirt, such as the girlfriends he cheated on and my sons, but I don't know if he was mean. Same with brother. Rather emotionless, but not particularly mean. Sister blows mean to high levels. I can too. However, I try very hard to control my mean and it has only happened once in the past twenty years after my dad had everyone telling me how "bad" I was on his 85th birthday and my sister was throwing oil on the fire. I did blow up and leave a nasty message for my dad on his phone. It was directed more at my brother. My brother happened to be there and hear it. I apologized and explained that I do have mental illness and while I an usually control myself extreme pressure and stress can override my medications and coping skills. Apparently, he never did forgive me because there was no interaction between us since then, except the letter he wrote to me. Yet he forgave my sister for so many years of "You are so ugly and gross and you are not invited to my wedding because my soriety sisters (I hate the snobbery of sororieties) will know I have an ugly brother and that would embarass me." Cedar, does this make sense to you? If it does, please share. I stopped trying to figure it out other than to realize that in my particular FOO, anyone can do anything horrible to somebody, but they WILL eventually be forgiven, except for me. Why? That's easy. I am the designated scapegoat. If I do something stupid or am not nice, and that's THEIR opinion of nice, it is a blight I wear like a Scarlet A on my forehead forever. But only me. Nobody else they know. So, yes, we are talking about the abnormal and no sense. It is what it is and, if you pinned them down, they probably would not give a clearcut answer. Interviewer: You say your boyfriend abuses you. Sis: He does. For five years. Interviewer: And you sister abuses you? Sis: Oh, yes. Interviewer: As consistantly and a meanly as him? Sis: Well, one time she... Interviewer" No. Answer the question. Sis: Well... Interviewer: How many times have you hung up the phone on your boyfriend and called the cops when he insisted on continuing to text you after you told him not to? Sis: (uncomfortably) Never Interviewer: But you have done this to your sister many times. Called the cops because you were mad at her, asked her not to call, and she called. Sis" Yes. But... Interviewer" But what? Sis: B-but I LOVE my boyfriend!!!! You get the gist of it. Yes, she would get mad and hang up and I'd get mad and call back to try figure it out and she would call thel cops for "harassment" but she has never done that to her boyfriend whom she admits abuses her. Now I get that I shouldn't have called her if she asked me not to, but to call the cops? To blot me out for months and years because of this and then to suddenly pop back into my life with the same swiftness that she left? That is not how normal families function. Tell me how this makes sense. This is old baggage from childhood which she doesn't share with her real abuser. He is not from her FOO. And I really think that's where it is all coming from. Perhaps (and this is only a guess) she is jealous because my life ended up good and she thinks she deserved the good life, not me. But none of this is logical. And none of your FOO's stuff is logical. The "logic" behind these interactions in our families are twisted and old and should have been buried, but we have a FOO who carries that mean gene. And when the claws come out, so does Mean Gene. And they do these things for no other reasons than to irrationally hurt us and to irrationally think they scored a win. And they do hurt us. And they do win, if that is their goal. Can you think of anything else? Cedar, as for answering the phone, if you feel up to up and want to talk to her, answer it. If you don't feel up to it and don't want to answer it, let her leave a message. She isn't going to know you're standing there letting it go to voicemail...hehe. Oops...there goes the Mean Gene. Get back here!!!! As for when your mother passes, in dysfunctional families, that can cause feuds to escalate. My poor dad...I hope he lives twenty more years...but if he doesn't, my husband and I have already planned to go to his funeral with our REAL family, stay only with our REAL family, and give him the respect he deserves then go home. Brother is executor of th e will. I will make sure I get my money if he doesn't send it in a timely fashion, but otherwise I am not going to interact with either of them at all. And if for some reason he holds it back, I'm not sure I'd even care enough about it to fight it. I really don't want anymore FOO wars, especially because of the tragedy of a lost loved one. But my own Mean Gene will probably make sure I don't get the shaft one last time, even if we have to hire a lawyer. That way the interactions will be between lawyers, not us. Brother is pretty logical and cut and dried. He'll likely do exactly what Dad wants him to do so I don't anticipate a problem. And then my FOO will be a past memory. [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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