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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 66409" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I have a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) daughter. I'm very very fortunate that she is on the low side of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Like your son, she was manipulative, charming to others, able to fool the world. Like you, the thought of foster care even for weekend respite was horrifying. The idea of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or any kind of 24/7 meant I had failed. Ultimately, I did have to send her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It was that or abort the adoption.</p><p></p><p>Today, I wished I had accepted the occasional weekend respite. It would have given me time to recoup and gain more strength. Most weekend caregivers are pretty good. They know the child is returning home. They don't want to lose their license, so respite kids get a pretty good deal.</p><p></p><p>I don't regret my daughter going to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It did give her some skills that I couldn't teach her no matter how hard I tried. She's not perfect at 20, but she's not the child she was at 12. There are improvements. There is some attachment -- at least when we're together. However, it is a definite out of sight, out of mind kind of attachment.</p><p></p><p>Raising an older adopted child rarely fits the dreams of parenthood we had when we started the process. I believe we parents have to make and take more compromises, more defeats and much more abuse than most parents. The worst is accepting that we are forced to parent differently. For some, that means our children are our children but living out of our home either temporarily or permanently evne though we are still part of their lives. For some, it means our children truly cannot be part of our families in any way -- they (and we) are better off with our children living elsewhere permanently without any interaction from us.</p><p></p><p>Some things you need to consider and understand. The statistics for failed adoptions, especially of adoptions of a child over age 4, are astronomically high. You need breaks. Both you and your husband need time to be a couple. Your child may need more help than you can give him. So, my suggestions would be to grab the respite care. If it is needed and if it will help your son, don't rule out an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and don't consider it a failure on your part. Just make sure it is a good one and one that deals with attachment issues even if he doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). If, ultimately, you have to give up on the adoption, don't be too hard on yourself. Kids like ours are difficult. There are options out there that could still let you be his mom, just not living together. It's not what you dreamed of, but it is doable.</p><p></p><p>When you can do it without being emotional, decide exactly what you can truly tolerate without totally breaking, what your son truly needs. It is possible your son has been so badly damaged you can't help him. It may just be that he needs more help than you can give him at the present time. Make informed decisions.</p><p></p><p>I'm truly sorry for your pain and hurt. I do understand it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 66409, member: 3626"] I have a Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) daughter. I'm very very fortunate that she is on the low side of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Like your son, she was manipulative, charming to others, able to fool the world. Like you, the thought of foster care even for weekend respite was horrifying. The idea of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or any kind of 24/7 meant I had failed. Ultimately, I did have to send her to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It was that or abort the adoption. Today, I wished I had accepted the occasional weekend respite. It would have given me time to recoup and gain more strength. Most weekend caregivers are pretty good. They know the child is returning home. They don't want to lose their license, so respite kids get a pretty good deal. I don't regret my daughter going to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). It did give her some skills that I couldn't teach her no matter how hard I tried. She's not perfect at 20, but she's not the child she was at 12. There are improvements. There is some attachment -- at least when we're together. However, it is a definite out of sight, out of mind kind of attachment. Raising an older adopted child rarely fits the dreams of parenthood we had when we started the process. I believe we parents have to make and take more compromises, more defeats and much more abuse than most parents. The worst is accepting that we are forced to parent differently. For some, that means our children are our children but living out of our home either temporarily or permanently evne though we are still part of their lives. For some, it means our children truly cannot be part of our families in any way -- they (and we) are better off with our children living elsewhere permanently without any interaction from us. Some things you need to consider and understand. The statistics for failed adoptions, especially of adoptions of a child over age 4, are astronomically high. You need breaks. Both you and your husband need time to be a couple. Your child may need more help than you can give him. So, my suggestions would be to grab the respite care. If it is needed and if it will help your son, don't rule out an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and don't consider it a failure on your part. Just make sure it is a good one and one that deals with attachment issues even if he doesn't have Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). If, ultimately, you have to give up on the adoption, don't be too hard on yourself. Kids like ours are difficult. There are options out there that could still let you be his mom, just not living together. It's not what you dreamed of, but it is doable. When you can do it without being emotional, decide exactly what you can truly tolerate without totally breaking, what your son truly needs. It is possible your son has been so badly damaged you can't help him. It may just be that he needs more help than you can give him at the present time. Make informed decisions. I'm truly sorry for your pain and hurt. I do understand it. [/QUOTE]
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