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Parent Emeritus
I Need some objective and experienced opinions.....
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 600185" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm glad you were able to have lunch with difficult child, it sounds like you saw some real feelings in him and it was good to have husband there. You know WTW, this is just my view, but I feel it's less about all the ins and outs of what you do or don't do, or how long you do it or what you pay for, for me it's really to go as far as you feel is appropriate and fits with your own feelings and beliefs........to go that distance, no matter how far and then at a point you decide on, you stop............... We as parents walk a very tight rope on this detachment line, and we move ahead and back and sometimes we fall off completely. But in the final analysis, we all just put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can, always out of love for our kids and with the best intentions. </p><p></p><p>There is no map, not one kid or circumstance is the same, although, they do tend to act out of similar scripts! I've found that each time we move ahead, we learn something, we get stronger, we have more resolve, we know the landscape better, we feel safer and more assured. Then one day, we just know what to do, we know the right road. There is a lot of doubt, a lot of fear, a lot of just plain not knowing how to proceed. </p><p></p><p>You have a few new pieces of the puzzle to consider, he has a girlfriend, he has a place to stay for now, he has a plan, he paid for his lunch, he seemed touched to see you guys and he is still a difficult child. I imagine it isn't quite black and white for him either, there are shades of gray in his independent, bullet proof teenage world.............I'll bet he does miss you, but the other part of him is bigger............it's rarely all or nothing or black and white, that's what makes it all so challenging. If there were a "right" road, we would all take it! Instead there are all of these 'possible outcome' roads.............sigh..........and, geez, he is so young..........and yet, he made these choices he's living with now.........</p><p></p><p>I think you have a good plan, wait and see. Next time you see him, you may have another piece of the puzzle. Each time you'll know more. Each time you can put out a call for help to all of us and get a truckload of choices and opinions, all valid, all good, so you can sift through and find the ones that fit for you. </p><p></p><p>This crazy difficult child world is so odd, none of us know how to do this, but look around, we're all doing it.............I have no happy difficult child ending here in my own world and yet life does go on..........and I'm okay.........your ideas all sound valid to me, they sound well thought out, and yes it makes sense to support the student making good grades and if that doesn't happen, he finds his own way. I agree with that thinking. At any point he could shift, or not............in the meantime you are there for him in small ways and possibly big ones............when the next step shows up, you'll know what to do. I just talked to my therapist about this last week................how we recover from the enabling and one day we trust that we are doing the right thing, even if it's weird, even if it looks like we're rescuing them, it goes up and down and all over the place, it clearly isn't black and white, but we make the choices out of love, and I think that's the biggest point of all. And, sometimes, we love them and ourselves enough to let them go...........</p><p></p><p>You're following your heart and your head and listening and waiting, all good healthy signs. Keep up the good work.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 600185, member: 13542"] I'm glad you were able to have lunch with difficult child, it sounds like you saw some real feelings in him and it was good to have husband there. You know WTW, this is just my view, but I feel it's less about all the ins and outs of what you do or don't do, or how long you do it or what you pay for, for me it's really to go as far as you feel is appropriate and fits with your own feelings and beliefs........to go that distance, no matter how far and then at a point you decide on, you stop............... We as parents walk a very tight rope on this detachment line, and we move ahead and back and sometimes we fall off completely. But in the final analysis, we all just put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can, always out of love for our kids and with the best intentions. There is no map, not one kid or circumstance is the same, although, they do tend to act out of similar scripts! I've found that each time we move ahead, we learn something, we get stronger, we have more resolve, we know the landscape better, we feel safer and more assured. Then one day, we just know what to do, we know the right road. There is a lot of doubt, a lot of fear, a lot of just plain not knowing how to proceed. You have a few new pieces of the puzzle to consider, he has a girlfriend, he has a place to stay for now, he has a plan, he paid for his lunch, he seemed touched to see you guys and he is still a difficult child. I imagine it isn't quite black and white for him either, there are shades of gray in his independent, bullet proof teenage world.............I'll bet he does miss you, but the other part of him is bigger............it's rarely all or nothing or black and white, that's what makes it all so challenging. If there were a "right" road, we would all take it! Instead there are all of these 'possible outcome' roads.............sigh..........and, geez, he is so young..........and yet, he made these choices he's living with now......... I think you have a good plan, wait and see. Next time you see him, you may have another piece of the puzzle. Each time you'll know more. Each time you can put out a call for help to all of us and get a truckload of choices and opinions, all valid, all good, so you can sift through and find the ones that fit for you. This crazy difficult child world is so odd, none of us know how to do this, but look around, we're all doing it.............I have no happy difficult child ending here in my own world and yet life does go on..........and I'm okay.........your ideas all sound valid to me, they sound well thought out, and yes it makes sense to support the student making good grades and if that doesn't happen, he finds his own way. I agree with that thinking. At any point he could shift, or not............in the meantime you are there for him in small ways and possibly big ones............when the next step shows up, you'll know what to do. I just talked to my therapist about this last week................how we recover from the enabling and one day we trust that we are doing the right thing, even if it's weird, even if it looks like we're rescuing them, it goes up and down and all over the place, it clearly isn't black and white, but we make the choices out of love, and I think that's the biggest point of all. And, sometimes, we love them and ourselves enough to let them go........... You're following your heart and your head and listening and waiting, all good healthy signs. Keep up the good work. [/QUOTE]
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