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I Need some objective and experienced opinions.....
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<blockquote data-quote="welcometowitsend" data-source="post: 600218" data-attributes="member: 14356"><p>Insane - That is pretty much what I said to husband. It's a living for a young person and if he is a late bloomer then he can pay his way through college/university by working evenings as a bartender and going to school during the day. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p>MWM - I agree that the girlfriend is an impulsive move. He's a teenage boy. I think that's par for the course when it comes to difficult child boys and girls. To my knowledge he does not do drugs. He was tested 3 times last year and came up clean. He does drink occasionally but I don't think it's become a problem, I think it is more teenage parties type of drinking. I could be wrong, I'm not in his life enough on a day to day basis to see it. </p><p></p><p>Thankfully we do have a support group and I've signed myself up for a 10 week family course through our version of NAMI (it starts in the fall). </p><p></p><p>I do see the point that part of his relationship with us involves his desire for us to pay for things. I think that is typical of most teenagers though. It is a tough line because most teenagers still need their parents help financially but struggle so hard for independence and autonomy. I guess the difference between a difficult child and a easy child is that a easy child wouldn't base the relationship on whether or not the parents could pay, a difficult child probably would. </p><p></p><p>At this point I am willing to help him for a couple of reasons. 1) What we were doing was only making things with difficult child worse. 2) He is only 17 and while the law sees him as independent (if he chooses to be) he really is still a child. 3) If he were heading off to college and living independently husband and I would be happy to support him and pay his living expenses. Many of his 17 year old friends who are only 2 or 3 months older than difficult child are off to college in the fall (by virtue of the fact that they started school a year earlier because their birthdays fall before Dec and difficult child is after). I know this is still high school and we shouldn't have to pay but we don't always get things to work out the way we want. If all he is doing is a 1 year college course instead of 4 years of university then, financially, I don't have a problem paying for this year of support through high school. If that's all we end up paying for then we're getting off cheap. </p><p></p><p></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">You have a few new pieces of the puzzle to consider, he has a girlfriend, he has a place to stay for now, he has a plan, he paid for his lunch, he seemed touched to see you guys and he is still a </span></p><p>difficult child</p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"><a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f18/i-need-some-objective-experienced-opinions-54290/#ixzz2Xzo49WAW" target="_blank">R</a>E: That is the summary of our recent visit - and the last part made me laugh, because it is so true. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> </span></p><p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">You are so right about the different paths, choices, options, decisions. There are so many scenarios and so many different personalities that it is impossible to have a hard and fast perfect answer for our difficult child's. Oh, if there were our lives would be so much easier, wouldn't they? </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">I always try to operate out of love and sometimes making that decision that I feel is right hurts my heart so badly but I do it anyway. I know I seem all over the map when it comes to difficult child and maybe this is normal. One day I'm detached, the next I'm a sobbing mess, the next I'm researching options, the next I'm turning off the cell phone, the next I'm thinking of paying his rent. I guess I'm still on that roller coaster. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000"></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="color: #000000">I am realizing that if I give this financial support that I must do it without the expectation that difficult child is going to do what we want. I must do it realizing that I can't </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">harbour anger or resentment if he doesn't make his grades, doesn't get into college. I'm doing it because I want to help him achieve that goal but if he doesn't achieve that goal then that is his choice. I can walk forward knowing that I did everything I could to help him, the rest is up to him. </span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="welcometowitsend, post: 600218, member: 14356"] Insane - That is pretty much what I said to husband. It's a living for a young person and if he is a late bloomer then he can pay his way through college/university by working evenings as a bartender and going to school during the day. :) MWM - I agree that the girlfriend is an impulsive move. He's a teenage boy. I think that's par for the course when it comes to difficult child boys and girls. To my knowledge he does not do drugs. He was tested 3 times last year and came up clean. He does drink occasionally but I don't think it's become a problem, I think it is more teenage parties type of drinking. I could be wrong, I'm not in his life enough on a day to day basis to see it. Thankfully we do have a support group and I've signed myself up for a 10 week family course through our version of NAMI (it starts in the fall). I do see the point that part of his relationship with us involves his desire for us to pay for things. I think that is typical of most teenagers though. It is a tough line because most teenagers still need their parents help financially but struggle so hard for independence and autonomy. I guess the difference between a difficult child and a easy child is that a easy child wouldn't base the relationship on whether or not the parents could pay, a difficult child probably would. At this point I am willing to help him for a couple of reasons. 1) What we were doing was only making things with difficult child worse. 2) He is only 17 and while the law sees him as independent (if he chooses to be) he really is still a child. 3) If he were heading off to college and living independently husband and I would be happy to support him and pay his living expenses. Many of his 17 year old friends who are only 2 or 3 months older than difficult child are off to college in the fall (by virtue of the fact that they started school a year earlier because their birthdays fall before Dec and difficult child is after). I know this is still high school and we shouldn't have to pay but we don't always get things to work out the way we want. If all he is doing is a 1 year college course instead of 4 years of university then, financially, I don't have a problem paying for this year of support through high school. If that's all we end up paying for then we're getting off cheap. [LEFT][COLOR=#000000]You have a few new pieces of the puzzle to consider, he has a girlfriend, he has a place to stay for now, he has a plan, he paid for his lunch, he seemed touched to see you guys and he is still a [/COLOR][/LEFT] difficult child [LEFT][COLOR=#000000]. [/COLOR][/LEFT] [COLOR=#000000][URL='http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f18/i-need-some-objective-experienced-opinions-54290/#ixzz2Xzo49WAW']R[/URL]E: That is the summary of our recent visit - and the last part made me laugh, because it is so true. :) [/COLOR] [LEFT][COLOR=#000000] You are so right about the different paths, choices, options, decisions. There are so many scenarios and so many different personalities that it is impossible to have a hard and fast perfect answer for our difficult child's. Oh, if there were our lives would be so much easier, wouldn't they? I always try to operate out of love and sometimes making that decision that I feel is right hurts my heart so badly but I do it anyway. I know I seem all over the map when it comes to difficult child and maybe this is normal. One day I'm detached, the next I'm a sobbing mess, the next I'm researching options, the next I'm turning off the cell phone, the next I'm thinking of paying his rent. I guess I'm still on that roller coaster. I am realizing that if I give this financial support that I must do it without the expectation that difficult child is going to do what we want. I must do it realizing that I can't [/COLOR][/LEFT] [COLOR=#000000]harbour anger or resentment if he doesn't make his grades, doesn't get into college. I'm doing it because I want to help him achieve that goal but if he doesn't achieve that goal then that is his choice. I can walk forward knowing that I did everything I could to help him, the rest is up to him. [/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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