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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740211" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>So. I called my son. And he texted back. It was all very brief. He was surly. Dramatic. He said he has been homeless these past 2 months, and trying to survive. He said he anticipates dying in the cold when winter comes. He plans on dying or killing himself by January.</p><p></p><p>He was rejecting and punishing. He wrote he has no hope.</p><p></p><p>When I responded with something loving, he wrote, that he does not hate me, but hates himself. He says he has no memories of our life together (which was very good.) He did not respond when I told him our cat has kidney disease. It was all self-pity and anger, directed at me.</p><p></p><p>No responsibility. No consciousness. No awareness of his own role in this. No sense of the future, except to die. Rejection of the past as non-existent. Just he's depressed. Without hope. Without memory. Without options. Totally black.</p><p></p><p>I was on the way on the train to a medical appointment, and told him so, and texted after, and he has not responded.</p><p></p><p>Earlier today I read TL's thread. And I loved it. And agreed with everything. The ideas that touched me personally the most were the following:</p><p></p><p>The need to stand your ground, to not tolerate abuse, to set boundaries. Not to help them, but to protect oneself, just because we matter. To have a sanctuary because we matter. Not because it will achieve some result other than in oneself and one's life.</p><p></p><p>The reminder of our own magical thinking: that if we don't help them, if we detach, they will hit bottom and go into recovery, etc.</p><p></p><p>That we can decide to show our love for them, and manifest it, and show support, just because, as long is this is without the idea of controlling the result or rescuing.</p><p></p><p>The idea that we know what to do, if we stay located in ourselves. That there is an inner knowing, if we can just not flip out, and panic, and jump into them.</p><p></p><p>So, after this exchange, to say I am deflated and discouraged is a huge understatement. I feel devastated.</p><p></p><p>It means I cannot safely show love to my son. He lashes out at me. This is what he did in the past; the dying part. He had stopped making threats, but how is this different?</p><p></p><p>I am not safe with any communication with him. If this is what he does. I recognize that by sending the text to change his address, he experienced this as rejecting. I see it was an error. But I am so upset.</p><p></p><p>I lose my sense of self. When he is like this. I want to offer everything...to take away...my own pain....But I know I cannot. He did not want to pay the rent. It took somebody 4 hours to clean out the tub which had been pristine when he moved in. He just wanted to smoke marijuana. I basically provided a drug pad. </p><p></p><p>I want to be in a relationship with my son that is loving and close, to the extent we both want where I am not consumed, and he is not controlled. And I can stay in myself, and at the same time, support him. </p><p></p><p>The only thing I can think of right now is to try to pack myself up back into myself, and to just wait it out. This time he did not ask to come home. He did not ask for money. He was just mean. And depressed. And lashed out.</p><p></p><p>I feel like leaving the country. For real. Just running away.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740211, member: 18958"] So. I called my son. And he texted back. It was all very brief. He was surly. Dramatic. He said he has been homeless these past 2 months, and trying to survive. He said he anticipates dying in the cold when winter comes. He plans on dying or killing himself by January. He was rejecting and punishing. He wrote he has no hope. When I responded with something loving, he wrote, that he does not hate me, but hates himself. He says he has no memories of our life together (which was very good.) He did not respond when I told him our cat has kidney disease. It was all self-pity and anger, directed at me. No responsibility. No consciousness. No awareness of his own role in this. No sense of the future, except to die. Rejection of the past as non-existent. Just he's depressed. Without hope. Without memory. Without options. Totally black. I was on the way on the train to a medical appointment, and told him so, and texted after, and he has not responded. Earlier today I read TL's thread. And I loved it. And agreed with everything. The ideas that touched me personally the most were the following: The need to stand your ground, to not tolerate abuse, to set boundaries. Not to help them, but to protect oneself, just because we matter. To have a sanctuary because we matter. Not because it will achieve some result other than in oneself and one's life. The reminder of our own magical thinking: that if we don't help them, if we detach, they will hit bottom and go into recovery, etc. That we can decide to show our love for them, and manifest it, and show support, just because, as long is this is without the idea of controlling the result or rescuing. The idea that we know what to do, if we stay located in ourselves. That there is an inner knowing, if we can just not flip out, and panic, and jump into them. So, after this exchange, to say I am deflated and discouraged is a huge understatement. I feel devastated. It means I cannot safely show love to my son. He lashes out at me. This is what he did in the past; the dying part. He had stopped making threats, but how is this different? I am not safe with any communication with him. If this is what he does. I recognize that by sending the text to change his address, he experienced this as rejecting. I see it was an error. But I am so upset. I lose my sense of self. When he is like this. I want to offer everything...to take away...my own pain....But I know I cannot. He did not want to pay the rent. It took somebody 4 hours to clean out the tub which had been pristine when he moved in. He just wanted to smoke marijuana. I basically provided a drug pad. I want to be in a relationship with my son that is loving and close, to the extent we both want where I am not consumed, and he is not controlled. And I can stay in myself, and at the same time, support him. The only thing I can think of right now is to try to pack myself up back into myself, and to just wait it out. This time he did not ask to come home. He did not ask for money. He was just mean. And depressed. And lashed out. I feel like leaving the country. For real. Just running away. [/QUOTE]
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