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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740267" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Smithmom. I want to thank you very much for your posts. We do not know each other well, but I felt very helped and supported by your words. They have helped me better understand my son and his needs and they have helped me better accept my own feelings and responses. I do not think I am depressed, in the clinical sense. I was after my mother died, five years ago, but I worked my way out of it. I think the mood and anxiety I suffer now are situational. They wax and wane due to circumstances.</p><p>This is an excellent point. I think this gives me both a place to stand and it gives me some control--over myself. I have control over how I look at things. How I see and experience his anger, is up to me. I can do as you say. Not take it personally. See it as a positive. As much as he deflects on me, he deflects away from himself. Thank you. Yes.</p><p>Up to now, that I remember, he expresses hope if I offer respite. If I say he can come home out of the cold. That has offered him hope. He does not create or manufacture his own hope. </p><p></p><p>What he does do is create community in the way he can. Like when he was living at the other house, he is cordial and appropriate and warm. His social skills are good. We have both lived in Latin countries. So he is comfortable grasping a man by his shoulder and patting his back, for example, in greeting. He is considered polite, well-mannered and very well education. He is liked. M, who I live with, who has daily contact with the neighbors, and distant friendships, says that for 2 years ALL of the neighbors insisted J, my son, was a wonder. It took 2 years, and us throwing him out, that triggered my son to display his darker side to them. I think the neighbors would still accept my son back with open hearts. In a way, I could consider this hope, this openness and cordiality to other people. But in terms of saying: I will look forward to going to xxx and do it, or I will go and study xxx, or I will try to meet a girl. No. He did that when he was younger, up until about age 20, but life dealt him some very harsh blows at that age, and life kept dealing him blow after that. Eventually, he discovered marijuana. And that was that.</p><p>I think this is a wonderful way to look at things. </p><p></p><p>What I hear you telling me essentially, is that I have choices here, of how I look at things, and how I respond generally, and how I respond in particular to his rejection of me, my ideas, and of my "hope." I can decide I want to manufacture hope to throw at him, kind of like the machine that throws tennis balls. Over and over and over, no matter how he responds, without taking it personally. </p><p></p><p>I very much appreciate what you have told me. Thank you again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740267, member: 18958"] Smithmom. I want to thank you very much for your posts. We do not know each other well, but I felt very helped and supported by your words. They have helped me better understand my son and his needs and they have helped me better accept my own feelings and responses. I do not think I am depressed, in the clinical sense. I was after my mother died, five years ago, but I worked my way out of it. I think the mood and anxiety I suffer now are situational. They wax and wane due to circumstances. This is an excellent point. I think this gives me both a place to stand and it gives me some control--over myself. I have control over how I look at things. How I see and experience his anger, is up to me. I can do as you say. Not take it personally. See it as a positive. As much as he deflects on me, he deflects away from himself. Thank you. Yes. Up to now, that I remember, he expresses hope if I offer respite. If I say he can come home out of the cold. That has offered him hope. He does not create or manufacture his own hope. What he does do is create community in the way he can. Like when he was living at the other house, he is cordial and appropriate and warm. His social skills are good. We have both lived in Latin countries. So he is comfortable grasping a man by his shoulder and patting his back, for example, in greeting. He is considered polite, well-mannered and very well education. He is liked. M, who I live with, who has daily contact with the neighbors, and distant friendships, says that for 2 years ALL of the neighbors insisted J, my son, was a wonder. It took 2 years, and us throwing him out, that triggered my son to display his darker side to them. I think the neighbors would still accept my son back with open hearts. In a way, I could consider this hope, this openness and cordiality to other people. But in terms of saying: I will look forward to going to xxx and do it, or I will go and study xxx, or I will try to meet a girl. No. He did that when he was younger, up until about age 20, but life dealt him some very harsh blows at that age, and life kept dealing him blow after that. Eventually, he discovered marijuana. And that was that. I think this is a wonderful way to look at things. What I hear you telling me essentially, is that I have choices here, of how I look at things, and how I respond generally, and how I respond in particular to his rejection of me, my ideas, and of my "hope." I can decide I want to manufacture hope to throw at him, kind of like the machine that throws tennis balls. Over and over and over, no matter how he responds, without taking it personally. I very much appreciate what you have told me. Thank you again. [/QUOTE]
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