Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I need to be tied to the mast.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740271" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Surprisingly I have found some peace today. I am shocked. I pushed myself out of the house to my brasilian jiu jitsu class. I did errands. And abra cadabra I felt better. I am studying my hebrew which is meditative to me. But most of all what changed was this: I decided I would not let my son dictate terms. I would not let him control my side of the conversation and thinking. I decided I would act from love and hope and not consider what were his reactions. He did not text me today except to say, <em>what?</em> And I responded. I responded with love and with patience.</p><p></p><p>I am purposely trying to act outside of my panic and fear, and trying actively and consciously to keep myself in my own life. Feeling and being creative, friendly with people, focused on my aspirations, rather than him, and what he does or does not do.</p><p></p><p>I have also decided that I can have a kind of hope for him. Actually, I do not believe in hope. When I say hope what I mean is staying in the present with a positive frame of mind. And believing that positive things can emerge from fertile and tended ground. Now. I understand that I have no role or power or control in my son's life. But just like the gardener waters and gives nourishment to the soil, without its consent, I can do the same with my son. I can shower him with positive options. What he does with them, is his right. (This idea was reinforced by smithmom.) So. I have decided that my son can be my potentially fertile ground. I can see him this way, independent of what he does. Just as a gardener has hope for his seedlings that could well be wiped out by rain or bugs or cold, I can have hope for mine. I can write a note to him every day. A positive note. A caring note. An optimistic note. A loving note. </p><p></p><p>I like the idea of generating ideas. And stepping out of the way. Typically I am wounded by his reactions. I take in his negativity and I get soaked by it, and I melt. I do not have to. I like what smithmom said about his using anger at me as a coping mechanism. And if this helps him, good. I can be big and strong enough to withstand it.</p><p></p><p>That is how I am feeling now. This minute. This evening. This hour. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. With the next volley.</p><p> I agree with everything you say. But the thing is, both of us know multiple people who do not. They blame others. They avoid consequences. They want it both ways. In fact this is kind of good description of both the ego defense mechanisms, and personality disorders. </p><p></p><p>But, I agree. That this is the nature of things. Consequences. My son has always insisted on having the benefits of both independence and dependence, and the limitations of neither.</p><p></p><p>He wants control. He wants dominance. He wants freedom. He wants authority.</p><p></p><p>He does not want responsibility. Period. He does not want responsibility for consequences. And he does not want responsibility for mistakes. He does not want responsibility to pay for housing. Or any other bill that arrives in the mail.</p><p></p><p>He wants help to cover for his mistakes. His favorite saying is, "will you spot me for ___?" I had never even heard the expression before. He lives on loans the last two weeks of the month. This is his way of life. I kind of hate it. </p><p></p><p>But I love him. That's the thing.</p><p></p><p>I guess I feel more open now. Than I was a couple of days ago. I have to confess, I am feeling more open to his returning. At some point. Why?</p><p></p><p>Because I am feeling stronger and more capable of withstanding his negativity, and holding my ground. I feel clearer about where I stand. And firmer, standing there.</p><p></p><p>And because I feel so much clearer that he needs to have skin in the game. He needs to get treatment. He needs to both propose and to follow through on some sort of action to help himself. To let him come back here, like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, would not be being a good enough mother. I can do better and so can he.</p><p></p><p>I do not know what will come. I do not know if this will get worse. Sooner or later, I will be in panic mode again. But for right now, I am okay.</p><p></p><p>I did a treatment yesterday, and I am wondering if it has helped me. I went to a woman, a practitioner who does Rolfing and Somatic Experiencing Therapy for Trauma. The rolfing I need for back problems and for peripheral neuropathy I have recently developed. Rolfing apparently helps with how The somatic experiencing is for trauma, particularly early trauma, to acquire better central nervous system regulation. Like magic after a 90 minute session, the pain from the neuropathy greatly decreased. I still feel the tingling and mild pain, but much much less. And I feel this sense of tranquility and greater strength. Nothing can work that quick. But about 24 hours after the session, I felt this change. I was unsure if I would continue, but for sure, I will.</p><p>Would you share his name? I have had two black and white short haired male cats in my lifetime, Fred, and Cal. Both have been dead for maybe 26 years and more. I still miss them. I believe black and white short-hairs have the most loving of dispositions of domestic cats. Or maybe I am just compatible with them.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so very much, Elsi, for your counsel, understanding, and support. It means so much to me. Your support, and that of others.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740271, member: 18958"] Surprisingly I have found some peace today. I am shocked. I pushed myself out of the house to my brasilian jiu jitsu class. I did errands. And abra cadabra I felt better. I am studying my hebrew which is meditative to me. But most of all what changed was this: I decided I would not let my son dictate terms. I would not let him control my side of the conversation and thinking. I decided I would act from love and hope and not consider what were his reactions. He did not text me today except to say, [I]what?[/I] And I responded. I responded with love and with patience. I am purposely trying to act outside of my panic and fear, and trying actively and consciously to keep myself in my own life. Feeling and being creative, friendly with people, focused on my aspirations, rather than him, and what he does or does not do. I have also decided that I can have a kind of hope for him. Actually, I do not believe in hope. When I say hope what I mean is staying in the present with a positive frame of mind. And believing that positive things can emerge from fertile and tended ground. Now. I understand that I have no role or power or control in my son's life. But just like the gardener waters and gives nourishment to the soil, without its consent, I can do the same with my son. I can shower him with positive options. What he does with them, is his right. (This idea was reinforced by smithmom.) So. I have decided that my son can be my potentially fertile ground. I can see him this way, independent of what he does. Just as a gardener has hope for his seedlings that could well be wiped out by rain or bugs or cold, I can have hope for mine. I can write a note to him every day. A positive note. A caring note. An optimistic note. A loving note. I like the idea of generating ideas. And stepping out of the way. Typically I am wounded by his reactions. I take in his negativity and I get soaked by it, and I melt. I do not have to. I like what smithmom said about his using anger at me as a coping mechanism. And if this helps him, good. I can be big and strong enough to withstand it. That is how I am feeling now. This minute. This evening. This hour. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow. With the next volley. I agree with everything you say. But the thing is, both of us know multiple people who do not. They blame others. They avoid consequences. They want it both ways. In fact this is kind of good description of both the ego defense mechanisms, and personality disorders. But, I agree. That this is the nature of things. Consequences. My son has always insisted on having the benefits of both independence and dependence, and the limitations of neither. He wants control. He wants dominance. He wants freedom. He wants authority. He does not want responsibility. Period. He does not want responsibility for consequences. And he does not want responsibility for mistakes. He does not want responsibility to pay for housing. Or any other bill that arrives in the mail. He wants help to cover for his mistakes. His favorite saying is, "will you spot me for ___?" I had never even heard the expression before. He lives on loans the last two weeks of the month. This is his way of life. I kind of hate it. But I love him. That's the thing. I guess I feel more open now. Than I was a couple of days ago. I have to confess, I am feeling more open to his returning. At some point. Why? Because I am feeling stronger and more capable of withstanding his negativity, and holding my ground. I feel clearer about where I stand. And firmer, standing there. And because I feel so much clearer that he needs to have skin in the game. He needs to get treatment. He needs to both propose and to follow through on some sort of action to help himself. To let him come back here, like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, would not be being a good enough mother. I can do better and so can he. I do not know what will come. I do not know if this will get worse. Sooner or later, I will be in panic mode again. But for right now, I am okay. I did a treatment yesterday, and I am wondering if it has helped me. I went to a woman, a practitioner who does Rolfing and Somatic Experiencing Therapy for Trauma. The rolfing I need for back problems and for peripheral neuropathy I have recently developed. Rolfing apparently helps with how The somatic experiencing is for trauma, particularly early trauma, to acquire better central nervous system regulation. Like magic after a 90 minute session, the pain from the neuropathy greatly decreased. I still feel the tingling and mild pain, but much much less. And I feel this sense of tranquility and greater strength. Nothing can work that quick. But about 24 hours after the session, I felt this change. I was unsure if I would continue, but for sure, I will. Would you share his name? I have had two black and white short haired male cats in my lifetime, Fred, and Cal. Both have been dead for maybe 26 years and more. I still miss them. I believe black and white short-hairs have the most loving of dispositions of domestic cats. Or maybe I am just compatible with them. Thank you so very much, Elsi, for your counsel, understanding, and support. It means so much to me. Your support, and that of others. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I need to be tied to the mast.
Top