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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 740852" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I know. We tend to think of love as a stronger, extra special form of like, but it’s really two different things, isn’t it? We discover that it is possible to love someone with all our hearts and not like them much at all. It is hard to reconcile. </p><p></p><p>My relationships with C and S ebb and flow. I get along with them best when I have zero expectations. Occasionally they think to ask me how I am, before or after getting to the real point of the call (what they want from me). Most of the time not. They never call just to talk or check on me. I don’t expect them to remember my birthday even to text or call - I think maybe it’s happened once with each of them over the last decade. The most I hope for at holidays is that they’ll both be sober enough to attend and that I’ll be able to find them. It doesn’t always happen. </p><p></p><p>And it’s not that I want material things from them, or crave public recognition. But it’s sad to think that our relationship may always be stuck in this parent/dependent child mode, and never reach that stage where we are equals and friends, or where I might be able to depend on them for a change as I get older. Some adult children check on their parents’ wellbeing, maybe mow a lawn for them or help with home repairs every once in a while. Some parents have children who take them out to dinner or drive them to a doctors appointment. </p><p></p><p>And yeah, if I think about it too much it hurts. Because we see those things as indicators of love. We want to know that they return the love we feel for them, at least in some portion. We worry that their inability to demonstrate love and care, for us and others in their lives, means we failed somewhere along the line. </p><p></p><p>But our lost children just aren’t capable right now, for reasons we have no control over. They are standing in the midst of a hurricane. They can’t hear us. They are just concentrating on survival, moment by moment. What do I need right now, this moment, to get through today. How can I get, right now, whatever substance I have decided I need to survive. There is no room to consider anything else. Sadly, we are collateral damage here. </p><p></p><p>So for now we have to learn to love ourselves, and lean on others who love us. We can’t put our hope in people who dash that hope to the ground time after time. You are not asking or expecting too much. This is not your fault, and not in your control. They just can’t. For now, at least.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 740852, member: 23349"] I know. We tend to think of love as a stronger, extra special form of like, but it’s really two different things, isn’t it? We discover that it is possible to love someone with all our hearts and not like them much at all. It is hard to reconcile. My relationships with C and S ebb and flow. I get along with them best when I have zero expectations. Occasionally they think to ask me how I am, before or after getting to the real point of the call (what they want from me). Most of the time not. They never call just to talk or check on me. I don’t expect them to remember my birthday even to text or call - I think maybe it’s happened once with each of them over the last decade. The most I hope for at holidays is that they’ll both be sober enough to attend and that I’ll be able to find them. It doesn’t always happen. And it’s not that I want material things from them, or crave public recognition. But it’s sad to think that our relationship may always be stuck in this parent/dependent child mode, and never reach that stage where we are equals and friends, or where I might be able to depend on them for a change as I get older. Some adult children check on their parents’ wellbeing, maybe mow a lawn for them or help with home repairs every once in a while. Some parents have children who take them out to dinner or drive them to a doctors appointment. And yeah, if I think about it too much it hurts. Because we see those things as indicators of love. We want to know that they return the love we feel for them, at least in some portion. We worry that their inability to demonstrate love and care, for us and others in their lives, means we failed somewhere along the line. But our lost children just aren’t capable right now, for reasons we have no control over. They are standing in the midst of a hurricane. They can’t hear us. They are just concentrating on survival, moment by moment. What do I need right now, this moment, to get through today. How can I get, right now, whatever substance I have decided I need to survive. There is no room to consider anything else. Sadly, we are collateral damage here. So for now we have to learn to love ourselves, and lean on others who love us. We can’t put our hope in people who dash that hope to the ground time after time. You are not asking or expecting too much. This is not your fault, and not in your control. They just can’t. For now, at least. [/QUOTE]
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