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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 740968" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I don't agree here about anything of this. The human species would have died off eons ago if people just walked away from their people, their families, tribes, etc. We are geared to persevere, to try to work it out. This is adaptive. Until it is not. And you know very well SWOT, as children we had nobody else. Where would we have gone? </p><p></p><p>You did have to stay. There were no options. We do not have to now. We choose to.</p><p>Yes. I think this is very wise. I think he does feel he is in a hopeless situation, and has no good options. But this is a feeling state. It is not true in reality. But a feeling state can feel like a reality. Like the way I feel. Now. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is for us to tolerate the feeling states of our children, when the effect is abusive, is another choice entirely. Which is what each of us is dealing with. The war of feeling states. Do we accept that our own feeling state is determined by their own? And how do we change our own feeling state when we are tragically affected by the state of our children and our relationships with them? That is where I am. I cannot (or will not) step out of the shadow.</p><p>This is very healthy. But I do not share this belief. I do hold people responsible for how I hold their choices about their behavior. </p><p></p><p>I guess the issue is the word "blame." To me blame has the coloring of judge, but with a stronger emotional field. How is it different from holding responsible? I think this must be an important distinction. Later today I will try to remember to look up the difference. Because I think you are right SWOT. I think there must accrue to the feeler negative consequences to blaming, that do not accrue to holding responsible. </p><p></p><p>Maybe if I could accept responsibility, but not blame myself, I could escape from this sadness. Thank you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 740968, member: 18958"] I don't agree here about anything of this. The human species would have died off eons ago if people just walked away from their people, their families, tribes, etc. We are geared to persevere, to try to work it out. This is adaptive. Until it is not. And you know very well SWOT, as children we had nobody else. Where would we have gone? You did have to stay. There were no options. We do not have to now. We choose to. Yes. I think this is very wise. I think he does feel he is in a hopeless situation, and has no good options. But this is a feeling state. It is not true in reality. But a feeling state can feel like a reality. Like the way I feel. Now. But the thing is for us to tolerate the feeling states of our children, when the effect is abusive, is another choice entirely. Which is what each of us is dealing with. The war of feeling states. Do we accept that our own feeling state is determined by their own? And how do we change our own feeling state when we are tragically affected by the state of our children and our relationships with them? That is where I am. I cannot (or will not) step out of the shadow. This is very healthy. But I do not share this belief. I do hold people responsible for how I hold their choices about their behavior. I guess the issue is the word "blame." To me blame has the coloring of judge, but with a stronger emotional field. How is it different from holding responsible? I think this must be an important distinction. Later today I will try to remember to look up the difference. Because I think you are right SWOT. I think there must accrue to the feeler negative consequences to blaming, that do not accrue to holding responsible. Maybe if I could accept responsibility, but not blame myself, I could escape from this sadness. Thank you. [/QUOTE]
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