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I need to be tied to the mast.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 742151" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Copa I am so sorry. I did not mean you should push him. I was not being rational, just wishful. I think you pushed as hard as you can. If he wont do these things...your attempt to guide him have been gallant....then you cant force it. You have done MORE than you can! That trip to the doctor sounds like a nightmare. I would not do that again. Also, is it possible for the hep b to go i to remission? Goneboy was born a Hep B carrier and it has never required treatment at all. Ex tells me everything. I would know. Now I believe your son had active Hep B? If so can that become less dangerous by itself?? I really dont know.</p><p></p><p>As for mental health this is one place where you cant force him becsuse what he tells the doctor determines treatment. About eating didorders. I dont k ow a ton of people who have them but I was close to two. One was my sister snd my other was a dear friend. Both knew they had them, but they still did the dangerous stuff that makes an eating disorder a danger. Honestly, my sister never outgrew it! She is a walking stick who diets if she sees she is over 100 lbs. She wears a size 0 and probably fits into childrens clothing. Sadly one of her kids seems equally obsessed with her body weight and exercise and Im sure my sis thinks she is normal. So she knows, regarding herself, but is also in denial. So maybe its not a delusion as much as a serious form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with depression. I cant say. This is one mental disorder that passed me by!! At any rate, she is 57,??58?? and never addressed her eating disorder and never will and she is still alive. So it is. But there are certain personality traits thst go with anorexia....maybe your son fits them. But forcing him to see a mental health professional is useless if he doesnt want to go. I would drop both requirements. All requirements.For YOU. Dont set anything up for failure.</p><p></p><p>I think its great thst M fixed up the rental house but I still think his feelings about J living in your house and the conditions in which he lives there should not keep you from peace of mind. This is my goal lol. Your peace of mind. I think a housekeeper is a great idea. The thing is, you can not both please M entirely and soothe yourself by letting J live on your property. M is forcing you to make a choice and that isnt fair. He is the one who is demanding these conditions and rules on an adult child who is not his child, that he didnt raise. I think he needs to gently be told to back down. He wouldnt be living with J and does not need to clean that residence. He shouldnt even go inside. If J lives there, it is his place. For too long you two have tried to police J and that is daunting, sets up conflict and doesnt work. It caused many fights between you and J. Would you let J live there if M was not in your life? This is important to think over. What would Copa do?</p><p></p><p>If your heart needs t,o know J is safe then I think no conditions is all that will work. Its not fair but if you feel better with him there who cares if its fair??? This would be for you, not him. He does not serm to learn whether in the streets or in a house. So this would be for you. Just for you. You are allowed to do this just for you. Not for Js growth, which at this moment is limited. Or to appease M. It would be something you do just for yourself. And your ability to talk sensibly to J will in my opinion expand if your relationship improves and he is helped with no policing. THEN perhaps you can get through to him. But mostly this is for you.</p><p></p><p>And its okay to do it for you. And, no, you cant and shouldnt have to please anyone else, even M. in my opinion he is too involved with your adult son. And although he doesnt mean to, sometimes he causes strife by being tougher on J than YOU want to be. It should maybe only be about you and your son. M doesnt know what its like for a child to be uprooted from another country and the baggage J had from birth. He loves J but I dont think he understands his challenges. But you do.</p><p></p><p>Bottom line...you don't need to suffer anymore. Please dont. Do what will make you whole, whatever that is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 742151, member: 1550"] Copa I am so sorry. I did not mean you should push him. I was not being rational, just wishful. I think you pushed as hard as you can. If he wont do these things...your attempt to guide him have been gallant....then you cant force it. You have done MORE than you can! That trip to the doctor sounds like a nightmare. I would not do that again. Also, is it possible for the hep b to go i to remission? Goneboy was born a Hep B carrier and it has never required treatment at all. Ex tells me everything. I would know. Now I believe your son had active Hep B? If so can that become less dangerous by itself?? I really dont know. As for mental health this is one place where you cant force him becsuse what he tells the doctor determines treatment. About eating didorders. I dont k ow a ton of people who have them but I was close to two. One was my sister snd my other was a dear friend. Both knew they had them, but they still did the dangerous stuff that makes an eating disorder a danger. Honestly, my sister never outgrew it! She is a walking stick who diets if she sees she is over 100 lbs. She wears a size 0 and probably fits into childrens clothing. Sadly one of her kids seems equally obsessed with her body weight and exercise and Im sure my sis thinks she is normal. So she knows, regarding herself, but is also in denial. So maybe its not a delusion as much as a serious form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with depression. I cant say. This is one mental disorder that passed me by!! At any rate, she is 57,??58?? and never addressed her eating disorder and never will and she is still alive. So it is. But there are certain personality traits thst go with anorexia....maybe your son fits them. But forcing him to see a mental health professional is useless if he doesnt want to go. I would drop both requirements. All requirements.For YOU. Dont set anything up for failure. I think its great thst M fixed up the rental house but I still think his feelings about J living in your house and the conditions in which he lives there should not keep you from peace of mind. This is my goal lol. Your peace of mind. I think a housekeeper is a great idea. The thing is, you can not both please M entirely and soothe yourself by letting J live on your property. M is forcing you to make a choice and that isnt fair. He is the one who is demanding these conditions and rules on an adult child who is not his child, that he didnt raise. I think he needs to gently be told to back down. He wouldnt be living with J and does not need to clean that residence. He shouldnt even go inside. If J lives there, it is his place. For too long you two have tried to police J and that is daunting, sets up conflict and doesnt work. It caused many fights between you and J. Would you let J live there if M was not in your life? This is important to think over. What would Copa do? If your heart needs t,o know J is safe then I think no conditions is all that will work. Its not fair but if you feel better with him there who cares if its fair??? This would be for you, not him. He does not serm to learn whether in the streets or in a house. So this would be for you. Just for you. You are allowed to do this just for you. Not for Js growth, which at this moment is limited. Or to appease M. It would be something you do just for yourself. And your ability to talk sensibly to J will in my opinion expand if your relationship improves and he is helped with no policing. THEN perhaps you can get through to him. But mostly this is for you. And its okay to do it for you. And, no, you cant and shouldnt have to please anyone else, even M. in my opinion he is too involved with your adult son. And although he doesnt mean to, sometimes he causes strife by being tougher on J than YOU want to be. It should maybe only be about you and your son. M doesnt know what its like for a child to be uprooted from another country and the baggage J had from birth. He loves J but I dont think he understands his challenges. But you do. Bottom line...you don't need to suffer anymore. Please dont. Do what will make you whole, whatever that is. [/QUOTE]
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