Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I need to learn to be more assertive
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 86112" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Karen, you've said in past posts t hat you were raised in a way that taught you to keep the peace at all costs. A lifetime of this sort of indoctrination doesn't go away overnight.</p><p>You also married early, so you didn't get independent time to develop your own sense of self; it's always been tied up with someone else's needs.</p><p></p><p>For me, I was a timid mouse, scared of confrontation to the point where I had to write a letter to my uni lecturer complaining about a change in marking tactics, when most students would have simply walked up to the guy. I was always terrified of bursting into tears in front of someone like that. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is the same at the moment. has been for years.</p><p></p><p>I grew. It took time, I was in a job where I was bullied by a number of co-workers and had to find my own way of coping. I learnt to stand up for myself and learnt to value what I was doing. I took a self-esteem course and my friend finally said, "If you get any more self-esteem, I'm leaving town!"</p><p></p><p>That said, I know I can now be tough when I feel I need to be. I no longer respond to bullying tactics by shrinking away, now I fight back by taking action. If some people consider me to be becoming the bully, in my response to bullying - it is a sometime response when reason fails, it is not something I do simply to acquire personal power at someone else's expense. While I continue to try to be a peacemaker, I will no longer put up with injustice - it's a red rag to a bull, for me.</p><p></p><p>This took time, for me to develop this. It took a lot of fear to be overcome but each tiny victory made me feel stronger and more capable of climbing the highest mountain.</p><p></p><p>I think your husband turning up to nag at you NOW - he wants to know where he stands so he can go out and pick someone up with a clear conscience (unlike feeling like he has to sneak around). His comment apparently encouraging you to find yourself someone new - it's his way of giving himself permission to do likewise. "Well, SHE's gone and got herself a boyfriend!" He was also fishing... he probably still can't accept that there is nobody else. For him it's always been all about sex, and getting as much of it when he can. Of course, he translates that into "attention to my needs" but for him, what else is there in a relationship? Companionship, nurturing, TLC - it all boils down to sex.</p><p></p><p>He was wanting answers and a way to feel comfortable with himself for looking around. He's probably getting antsy. How long has it been? (allegedly). A guy can only go without for so long. And somewhere in there, he wants to enjoy his escapades without feeling guilty about you.</p><p></p><p>Basically, he's wanting your permission. He'll do it anyway, he always has, but this time a bit of permission would let him enjoy himself a lot more, he's been made to feel very guilty lately and it's cramping his style.</p><p></p><p>Again, it boils down to what HE wants.</p><p></p><p>So why can't you find a way to determine what YOU want? And go get it, without feeling guilty?</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 86112, member: 1991"] Karen, you've said in past posts t hat you were raised in a way that taught you to keep the peace at all costs. A lifetime of this sort of indoctrination doesn't go away overnight. You also married early, so you didn't get independent time to develop your own sense of self; it's always been tied up with someone else's needs. For me, I was a timid mouse, scared of confrontation to the point where I had to write a letter to my uni lecturer complaining about a change in marking tactics, when most students would have simply walked up to the guy. I was always terrified of bursting into tears in front of someone like that. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is the same at the moment. has been for years. I grew. It took time, I was in a job where I was bullied by a number of co-workers and had to find my own way of coping. I learnt to stand up for myself and learnt to value what I was doing. I took a self-esteem course and my friend finally said, "If you get any more self-esteem, I'm leaving town!" That said, I know I can now be tough when I feel I need to be. I no longer respond to bullying tactics by shrinking away, now I fight back by taking action. If some people consider me to be becoming the bully, in my response to bullying - it is a sometime response when reason fails, it is not something I do simply to acquire personal power at someone else's expense. While I continue to try to be a peacemaker, I will no longer put up with injustice - it's a red rag to a bull, for me. This took time, for me to develop this. It took a lot of fear to be overcome but each tiny victory made me feel stronger and more capable of climbing the highest mountain. I think your husband turning up to nag at you NOW - he wants to know where he stands so he can go out and pick someone up with a clear conscience (unlike feeling like he has to sneak around). His comment apparently encouraging you to find yourself someone new - it's his way of giving himself permission to do likewise. "Well, SHE's gone and got herself a boyfriend!" He was also fishing... he probably still can't accept that there is nobody else. For him it's always been all about sex, and getting as much of it when he can. Of course, he translates that into "attention to my needs" but for him, what else is there in a relationship? Companionship, nurturing, TLC - it all boils down to sex. He was wanting answers and a way to feel comfortable with himself for looking around. He's probably getting antsy. How long has it been? (allegedly). A guy can only go without for so long. And somewhere in there, he wants to enjoy his escapades without feeling guilty about you. Basically, he's wanting your permission. He'll do it anyway, he always has, but this time a bit of permission would let him enjoy himself a lot more, he's been made to feel very guilty lately and it's cramping his style. Again, it boils down to what HE wants. So why can't you find a way to determine what YOU want? And go get it, without feeling guilty? Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
I need to learn to be more assertive
Top