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I need to stop raising my voice
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 540567" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Okay, do you want the good news or the bad news?</p><p>The bad news is that you won't (prove me wrong <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />) be able to stop shouting completely. The good news is you could probably shout <em>less</em>. The reason I offer this depressing perspective is because I think... that raising three young children, 2 of whom have particular issues, means that you are drawing on all your reserves of patience and calm and maturity as it is. You are doing something that is often stressful and shouting is a way of releasing some of that stress, like a pressure valve. Not a particularly effective or helpful one perhaps, but there it is. It may also be connected to your own childhood in which you were perhaps given high standards of behaviour to meet and a particular education that means that you now, inevitably and unconsciously, have high expectations for your own children and get stressed when they are not met.</p><p>But since you are a "bosseuse" and like practical solutions, here are my suggestions:</p><p>1) Start training yourself and the children in defusing situations by finding humour in them. Engage Partner on your side, if V is not able to follow in this. Lighten up! Do a Silly Dance when you start feeling yourself getting tense and anxious, see if you can catch yourself getting Dark and Serious and about to get angry with the kids and find a ritual that you do to bring things down to perspective - could be making a trumpet sound and gesture for example!</p><p>2) Instead of feeling you have to be calm and patient at all times, say to one or all of the children: "I'm feeling angry right now!" or "When you ignore me,I feel cross" and talk about it with them. I think it is perfectly okay to say how you are feeling to children and maybe teaches them something about emotions.</p><p>3) Become clearer about knowing what you will regret and not regret, what makes you feel good. As you are about to "blow" and lose it, shouting, try to remember that you are going to regret it if you do lose your cool... but that you will feel proud and happy at your self-control if you manage to stay within normal bounds. Think of yourself, think of avoiding suffering! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>4) Start meditating or praying regularly.</p><p>5) Make a conscious effort to have time that is just for you and nothing to do with the kids - when they are asleep, or at school. I expect you do this anyway but maybe more regularly?</p><p>6) (This could be the most effective of all). Come and stay a week with me and listen to my downstairs neighbour screaming all day at her 2 year old, like a mad thing. It will soon cure you!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p>Hugs and good luck.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 540567, member: 11227"] Okay, do you want the good news or the bad news? The bad news is that you won't (prove me wrong :)) be able to stop shouting completely. The good news is you could probably shout [I]less[/I]. The reason I offer this depressing perspective is because I think... that raising three young children, 2 of whom have particular issues, means that you are drawing on all your reserves of patience and calm and maturity as it is. You are doing something that is often stressful and shouting is a way of releasing some of that stress, like a pressure valve. Not a particularly effective or helpful one perhaps, but there it is. It may also be connected to your own childhood in which you were perhaps given high standards of behaviour to meet and a particular education that means that you now, inevitably and unconsciously, have high expectations for your own children and get stressed when they are not met. But since you are a "bosseuse" and like practical solutions, here are my suggestions: 1) Start training yourself and the children in defusing situations by finding humour in them. Engage Partner on your side, if V is not able to follow in this. Lighten up! Do a Silly Dance when you start feeling yourself getting tense and anxious, see if you can catch yourself getting Dark and Serious and about to get angry with the kids and find a ritual that you do to bring things down to perspective - could be making a trumpet sound and gesture for example! 2) Instead of feeling you have to be calm and patient at all times, say to one or all of the children: "I'm feeling angry right now!" or "When you ignore me,I feel cross" and talk about it with them. I think it is perfectly okay to say how you are feeling to children and maybe teaches them something about emotions. 3) Become clearer about knowing what you will regret and not regret, what makes you feel good. As you are about to "blow" and lose it, shouting, try to remember that you are going to regret it if you do lose your cool... but that you will feel proud and happy at your self-control if you manage to stay within normal bounds. Think of yourself, think of avoiding suffering! :) 4) Start meditating or praying regularly. 5) Make a conscious effort to have time that is just for you and nothing to do with the kids - when they are asleep, or at school. I expect you do this anyway but maybe more regularly? 6) (This could be the most effective of all). Come and stay a week with me and listen to my downstairs neighbour screaming all day at her 2 year old, like a mad thing. It will soon cure you!! :) Hugs and good luck. [/QUOTE]
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