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I think H has flipped his lid
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 82537" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I know it is good advice to not listen to what Jill tells you, but the reality is often different.</p><p></p><p>been there done that. Not with a broken marriage, but with other issues, including my stalker (who was behaving like this bloke). My stalker would confide in a close (male) friend of mine, who would then tell me everything, highly amused. Since my close friend was telling me so much, I began to think - how much is he telling my stalker? And then I found my stalker coming out with information (vie my male close friend) that neither of them should have known - it was coming from another good friend. None of this information was exactly top secret, but it told me that friends who tell you things are also friends who tell other people things. They can be good friends, caring friends, but they love to talk and to listen.</p><p></p><p>So I began to censor what I told these two friends. I did it calmly, dispassionately, as if I were titrating a chemical solution. A little bit of this, carefully noted; a little bit of that. Then wait and observe.</p><p></p><p>My male friend was telling me what the stalker said (which was generally twisted from obscure gossip he'd gleaned about me around the village) and I was concerned my best friend (female) was sharing too much about me with others, who were then sharing it with stalker. This later turned out to be true, and best friend was horrified when she found herself betrayed by the person responsible for passing on my gossip.</p><p></p><p>But in the meantime - I feigned lack of interest, never asked "what has he been saying?" but I made darn sure I listened when I heard what he was saying. I needed to know, because it helped me define the boundaries of communication - who I could talk to, who I could not (no matter how much I otherwise valued the friendship) and what I had to absolutely never tell anyone, not even my best friend.</p><p></p><p>For a long time I said nothing other than commenting on the weather. I've found that if you ask someone about their own children, their health or their family, you don't have to say much about yourself.</p><p></p><p>Karen, Jill is currently in the middle. H is confiding in her, he surely MUST suspect she is saying SOMETHING to you, or if not saying something, sounding you out so he can later go back to her and say, "So what did you find out?"</p><p>I finally told my close friend (male) that I could not confide in him any more, because it would not be fair to him. Stalker is a skilled interrogator, and the less close friend knew, the less stalker could find out. As it happened, close friend (male) had his own problems he wanted to discuss, so he stopped asking me anything personal, for which I was grateful. And when stalker finally realised (several years later) that friend knew nothing, he stopped hassling him.</p><p></p><p>Best friend - I now know I can trust her completely. She had a close friend who turned out to be a malicious individual, who was herself another stalker (of a number of people). Once she was gone, t he extra source of information mysteriously dried up.</p><p></p><p>So the summary of all this - you need to take a load off Jill. Stop confiding in her so much. She is debriefing on you because H alone is a strain. Don't double her load. Listen if she tells you, but don't seek information. If you must confide, find someone else. No matter how much you care about her, no matter how much you trust her - what she doesn't know, she can't accidentally reveal. When all this is over, THEN you can open up to her a bit more. When he stops confiding in her so much.</p><p></p><p>Interestingly, this is what easy child 2/difficult child 2's exBF did, when he broke up with her. He immediately went to HER friends and tried to convince them that she was being hard on HIM! Even to the point where she had to refuse an invitation to a party and sleepover, because HE was going to be there, because they felt sorry for HIM because he had just broken up with his girlfriend - and they were HER friends, not his! Their loyalties got confused and it really hurt her to see the problems he was causing, in his desperation to lean emotionally on everyone else instead of facing up to his own responsibility in the whole mess.</p><p></p><p>Your H is projecting. He is making assumptions about you which are really a reflection of his own understanding about his own motives, desires and behaviours. He really sounds a great deal like easy child 2/difficult child 2's ex-boyfriend. She loved him a great deal, but since he has gone she has blossomed as she has realised that she was not as happy as she had thought she was. A weight has gone from her and she is now a lot lighter and happier.</p><p></p><p>I hope you can be happier too.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 82537, member: 1991"] I know it is good advice to not listen to what Jill tells you, but the reality is often different. been there done that. Not with a broken marriage, but with other issues, including my stalker (who was behaving like this bloke). My stalker would confide in a close (male) friend of mine, who would then tell me everything, highly amused. Since my close friend was telling me so much, I began to think - how much is he telling my stalker? And then I found my stalker coming out with information (vie my male close friend) that neither of them should have known - it was coming from another good friend. None of this information was exactly top secret, but it told me that friends who tell you things are also friends who tell other people things. They can be good friends, caring friends, but they love to talk and to listen. So I began to censor what I told these two friends. I did it calmly, dispassionately, as if I were titrating a chemical solution. A little bit of this, carefully noted; a little bit of that. Then wait and observe. My male friend was telling me what the stalker said (which was generally twisted from obscure gossip he'd gleaned about me around the village) and I was concerned my best friend (female) was sharing too much about me with others, who were then sharing it with stalker. This later turned out to be true, and best friend was horrified when she found herself betrayed by the person responsible for passing on my gossip. But in the meantime - I feigned lack of interest, never asked "what has he been saying?" but I made darn sure I listened when I heard what he was saying. I needed to know, because it helped me define the boundaries of communication - who I could talk to, who I could not (no matter how much I otherwise valued the friendship) and what I had to absolutely never tell anyone, not even my best friend. For a long time I said nothing other than commenting on the weather. I've found that if you ask someone about their own children, their health or their family, you don't have to say much about yourself. Karen, Jill is currently in the middle. H is confiding in her, he surely MUST suspect she is saying SOMETHING to you, or if not saying something, sounding you out so he can later go back to her and say, "So what did you find out?" I finally told my close friend (male) that I could not confide in him any more, because it would not be fair to him. Stalker is a skilled interrogator, and the less close friend knew, the less stalker could find out. As it happened, close friend (male) had his own problems he wanted to discuss, so he stopped asking me anything personal, for which I was grateful. And when stalker finally realised (several years later) that friend knew nothing, he stopped hassling him. Best friend - I now know I can trust her completely. She had a close friend who turned out to be a malicious individual, who was herself another stalker (of a number of people). Once she was gone, t he extra source of information mysteriously dried up. So the summary of all this - you need to take a load off Jill. Stop confiding in her so much. She is debriefing on you because H alone is a strain. Don't double her load. Listen if she tells you, but don't seek information. If you must confide, find someone else. No matter how much you care about her, no matter how much you trust her - what she doesn't know, she can't accidentally reveal. When all this is over, THEN you can open up to her a bit more. When he stops confiding in her so much. Interestingly, this is what easy child 2/difficult child 2's exBF did, when he broke up with her. He immediately went to HER friends and tried to convince them that she was being hard on HIM! Even to the point where she had to refuse an invitation to a party and sleepover, because HE was going to be there, because they felt sorry for HIM because he had just broken up with his girlfriend - and they were HER friends, not his! Their loyalties got confused and it really hurt her to see the problems he was causing, in his desperation to lean emotionally on everyone else instead of facing up to his own responsibility in the whole mess. Your H is projecting. He is making assumptions about you which are really a reflection of his own understanding about his own motives, desires and behaviours. He really sounds a great deal like easy child 2/difficult child 2's ex-boyfriend. She loved him a great deal, but since he has gone she has blossomed as she has realised that she was not as happy as she had thought she was. A weight has gone from her and she is now a lot lighter and happier. I hope you can be happier too. Marg [/QUOTE]
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