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I think I just got the terrible mother of the day award...
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<blockquote data-quote="trinityroyal" data-source="post: 562193" data-attributes="member: 3907"><p>Greetings KSM. Sounds like you had a no good very bad terrible awful day. Don't beat yourself up. We take enough of a beating dealing with our difficult children. No need for you to pile on as well. Sometimes I think that losing it has value, if it's an infrequent thing. Lets the whippersnappers know that we're human too, and have limits just as they do. As long as it's only occasionally. If you yell all the time, then they quickly learn to tune you out, so you're just damaging your vocal cords for no good reason.</p><p></p><p>Now, as to the problem at hand, a phrase that we used to see quite a bit on the board was "Do to Get". In other words, if you want to <strong>get </strong>something from me, you have to <strong>do</strong> something to earn it. Teenagers in general, and difficult children in particular, are masters of entitlement. They feel like the world owes them everything. And if you just give them things that they haven't earned, you play into the sense of entitlement.</p><p></p><p>You are required to provide your children with basic necessities. Food, clothing, shelter. You are not required to provide them with new or fashionable clothes, or even clothes they like. Just things that cover them decently and protect them from the elements. Thrift store or unsightly clothes do the job just as well as the nice things. Food doesn't have to be a favourite, or even palatable. It just has to meet the basic nutrition requirements. Same with shelter. A room that keeps them safe from the weather, and a sleeping bag. </p><p></p><p>So, now you have a list of basics. Everything beyond that must be earned. </p><p></p><p>Maybe you and your husband need to move back upstairs into the full-sized bedroom. difficult child can move into the tiny guest room, since it seems that she abused the privilege of having a nice room to herself. I'm suggesting this rather than having your girls go back to sharing a room, as there's no sense punishing your easy child for your difficult child's bad behaviour.</p><p></p><p>With regard to clothes, perhaps easy child can have the nice new things and difficult child can make do with the old ones. If necessary, get a lock for your easy child's bedroom door, so that difficult child can't sneak in and take things.</p><p></p><p>Re: food. If it's edible and there are no allergies or sensory issues to deal with, then difficult child should be able to eat what she's served (or pick around the bits she doesn't like, at least). If she's not happy with what you serve for dinner, then she can wait until breakfast to fill up. No child who's actually hungry will pass up a good meal, unless there's something deeper than just preferences going on.</p><p></p><p>With a lot of difficult child (and even typical teen) children, you have to show them you're serious. It's hard work and a serious PITA, but it will pay off in the long run. Expect it to get worse before it gets better, but if you go down this path you have to stick to your guns.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="trinityroyal, post: 562193, member: 3907"] Greetings KSM. Sounds like you had a no good very bad terrible awful day. Don't beat yourself up. We take enough of a beating dealing with our difficult children. No need for you to pile on as well. Sometimes I think that losing it has value, if it's an infrequent thing. Lets the whippersnappers know that we're human too, and have limits just as they do. As long as it's only occasionally. If you yell all the time, then they quickly learn to tune you out, so you're just damaging your vocal cords for no good reason. Now, as to the problem at hand, a phrase that we used to see quite a bit on the board was "Do to Get". In other words, if you want to [B]get [/B]something from me, you have to [B]do[/B] something to earn it. Teenagers in general, and difficult children in particular, are masters of entitlement. They feel like the world owes them everything. And if you just give them things that they haven't earned, you play into the sense of entitlement. You are required to provide your children with basic necessities. Food, clothing, shelter. You are not required to provide them with new or fashionable clothes, or even clothes they like. Just things that cover them decently and protect them from the elements. Thrift store or unsightly clothes do the job just as well as the nice things. Food doesn't have to be a favourite, or even palatable. It just has to meet the basic nutrition requirements. Same with shelter. A room that keeps them safe from the weather, and a sleeping bag. So, now you have a list of basics. Everything beyond that must be earned. Maybe you and your husband need to move back upstairs into the full-sized bedroom. difficult child can move into the tiny guest room, since it seems that she abused the privilege of having a nice room to herself. I'm suggesting this rather than having your girls go back to sharing a room, as there's no sense punishing your easy child for your difficult child's bad behaviour. With regard to clothes, perhaps easy child can have the nice new things and difficult child can make do with the old ones. If necessary, get a lock for your easy child's bedroom door, so that difficult child can't sneak in and take things. Re: food. If it's edible and there are no allergies or sensory issues to deal with, then difficult child should be able to eat what she's served (or pick around the bits she doesn't like, at least). If she's not happy with what you serve for dinner, then she can wait until breakfast to fill up. No child who's actually hungry will pass up a good meal, unless there's something deeper than just preferences going on. With a lot of difficult child (and even typical teen) children, you have to show them you're serious. It's hard work and a serious PITA, but it will pay off in the long run. Expect it to get worse before it gets better, but if you go down this path you have to stick to your guns. [/QUOTE]
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I think I just got the terrible mother of the day award...
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