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I think I'm just numb
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 309729" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Heather, hold onto your sanity (and you did good, talking about how difficult child affects you - that's what counsellors are for).</p><p></p><p>It doesn't make much difference if she says it in the heat of the moment or not. The thing is, the more she says it, the less responsibility SHE has to feel, for not obeying you. And the more you let it upset you, the more she feels justified and the more she will keep doing it. Because it makes HER feel good.</p><p></p><p>The long-term problem with this (from the point of view of her welfare) is, if she learns to make herself feel good by putting down her critics, then she will get herself into a long-term coping strategy of never being willing or able to learn from her own shortcomings. Instead of recognising when she hasput a foot wrong socially, she will instead be in the habit of blaming it all on the other party.</p><p></p><p>I used to work for someone like this. Whenever there was a problem, or a client complained about her, my boss's response would be, "Loser!"</p><p>Often the complaints were well and truly justified, but the boss could always walk away from any personal responsibility with one word. "Loser."</p><p></p><p>I have no doubt that when I left (well before I became the inevitable scapegoat, because she had fired everyone else and had nobody left to be her fall guy) I was followed out the door with the word, "Loser."</p><p></p><p>So Heather, I suggest you get your head together with your therapist and find ways to de-fuse your daughter's hatefulness. Do not meet it with obstinacy or open defiance becausee a big part of this behaviour from her is pure oppositional. Sometimes finding ways to agree with her can work well - it's like a tog of war with someone when you suddenly change your direction with the rope so fast that they fall over, purely from their own efforts.</p><p></p><p>"Yes, I AM a bad mother. I smoke, I drink way too much so I'm unconscious under the kitchen table by 10 am. I sleep with every bloke I meet including every tradesman who comes through the door. I encourage them to take their pleasure with my daughter, since I don't really care about her either. I never put food on the table or make sure my kids are dressed warmly enough. I certainly don't pay any attention to their medical needs. Why would I bother to do that? It costs money which I need to spend on my illicit drug use and all-night partying."</p><p></p><p>Heather, your difficult child is at a difficult age for ANY girl, it's just a lot worse when they have difficult child-ness on top of it all. The total self-centredness of them at this age is breathtaking.</p><p> They become emotional sponges, you could pour absolutely every resource into them, listen to them for 23 hours and 59 minutes of every day but as soon as you open your mouth to say one word, it's, "You never listen to me."</p><p></p><p>Ask your counsellor for help in devleoping strategies. There are some. WHat difficult child needs, is a lesson in perspective. I suspect you do too, but in a very different way. Your perspective - you need to see yourself in the spectrum of all parents, how good a job you are doing and how to keep your own sense of self in this, as a gift to your children. And her sense of perspective - the world does not (and never will) revolve around her. And the sooner she learns this, the sooner she will learn how to live a good and productive life in this world. </p><p></p><p>One thought occurs to me - how about you deal with one issue at a time? Write down her list of complaints. Ask her to write out the list, she MUST own them. Do not deny any of them (no matter how unfair). The best way to answer them is to demonstrate and document, by formally putting in place what you already do without thinking.</p><p></p><p>Deal with each issue one at a time. </p><p></p><p>Listening - agree with her that half an hour of you listening to her, at a set time, HAS to be better than you NEVER listening. So write it into your diaries, both of you - you will listen to her each day from 4 pm tp 4.30 pm (you choose a time that will fit in with what has to be done in your lives, both of you - MAKE THIS WORK). Make a formal listening time. Milk and cookies time. During that time, at least in the iitial stages, you must not be doing anything else. No stirring thre saucepan for dinner, no making a cup of tea. Same with her - she needs to sit down, not doing anything else, and talk. No judgements, no tellnig her she's doing it wrong. Just listen. Every so often, feed back to her so she knows you're on board. "Just let me check if I'm getting what you're saying, honey - you're angry with Carly because she said your hair looked like corkscrews, and said it to four other girls in front of the boy you really like? Did I get that right?"</p><p>Do nothing more than help her tell her story to you.</p><p></p><p>If she has trouble talking or getting started, asking her questions about herself is a good way to get started. "Tell me about your day," is a good start.</p><p></p><p>I remember reading a magazine from the 60s, on how to get a boy to like you. The information was very useful, the most informative bit of advice was, "get him talking about yourself. Have a few questions prepared to get him started. It doesn't matter if you don't get to say anything - he will be so busy talking about himself that he will have a wonderful time with you and want more. And he won't have found out anything about you, and again, will want the chance to find out more. When a guy spends all night talking about himself, he will go home thinking, 'she was avery interesting person, I really enjoyed myself tonight.' Guys always like to talk about themselves."</p><p></p><p>The article was incredibly sexist, but that much was true - people (especially really selfish, egocentric people, which describes just about all teenagers) always prefer to talk about themselves, given the opportunity.</p><p></p><p>For your daughter, it's a starting point.</p><p></p><p>One more thing - if all she says, over and over, is "You're a bad moter" and more on the same theme, gently remind her that you have set aside only half an hour and she doesn't want to waste it by repeating a message you have already received, with bells on. You've heard that one, thank you, now what else is there that she needs you to hear? Because the accusation, "you never listen" is going to take a lot of half-hour sessions to remedy a lifetime of your not listening, so she needs to use every minute efficiently.</p><p></p><p>And while you're gritting your teeth at the unfairness of it all, this nasty constant criticism coming from your own child (who is far from faultless) then keep in mind, in letter of fire, the fridge magnet that says to our kids, "Teenagers of the world - leave home now, while you still know everything."</p><p></p><p>One day she will know better. And hopefully, remember what you did for her after what she said - and hopefully, she will cringe.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 309729, member: 1991"] Heather, hold onto your sanity (and you did good, talking about how difficult child affects you - that's what counsellors are for). It doesn't make much difference if she says it in the heat of the moment or not. The thing is, the more she says it, the less responsibility SHE has to feel, for not obeying you. And the more you let it upset you, the more she feels justified and the more she will keep doing it. Because it makes HER feel good. The long-term problem with this (from the point of view of her welfare) is, if she learns to make herself feel good by putting down her critics, then she will get herself into a long-term coping strategy of never being willing or able to learn from her own shortcomings. Instead of recognising when she hasput a foot wrong socially, she will instead be in the habit of blaming it all on the other party. I used to work for someone like this. Whenever there was a problem, or a client complained about her, my boss's response would be, "Loser!" Often the complaints were well and truly justified, but the boss could always walk away from any personal responsibility with one word. "Loser." I have no doubt that when I left (well before I became the inevitable scapegoat, because she had fired everyone else and had nobody left to be her fall guy) I was followed out the door with the word, "Loser." So Heather, I suggest you get your head together with your therapist and find ways to de-fuse your daughter's hatefulness. Do not meet it with obstinacy or open defiance becausee a big part of this behaviour from her is pure oppositional. Sometimes finding ways to agree with her can work well - it's like a tog of war with someone when you suddenly change your direction with the rope so fast that they fall over, purely from their own efforts. "Yes, I AM a bad mother. I smoke, I drink way too much so I'm unconscious under the kitchen table by 10 am. I sleep with every bloke I meet including every tradesman who comes through the door. I encourage them to take their pleasure with my daughter, since I don't really care about her either. I never put food on the table or make sure my kids are dressed warmly enough. I certainly don't pay any attention to their medical needs. Why would I bother to do that? It costs money which I need to spend on my illicit drug use and all-night partying." Heather, your difficult child is at a difficult age for ANY girl, it's just a lot worse when they have difficult child-ness on top of it all. The total self-centredness of them at this age is breathtaking. They become emotional sponges, you could pour absolutely every resource into them, listen to them for 23 hours and 59 minutes of every day but as soon as you open your mouth to say one word, it's, "You never listen to me." Ask your counsellor for help in devleoping strategies. There are some. WHat difficult child needs, is a lesson in perspective. I suspect you do too, but in a very different way. Your perspective - you need to see yourself in the spectrum of all parents, how good a job you are doing and how to keep your own sense of self in this, as a gift to your children. And her sense of perspective - the world does not (and never will) revolve around her. And the sooner she learns this, the sooner she will learn how to live a good and productive life in this world. One thought occurs to me - how about you deal with one issue at a time? Write down her list of complaints. Ask her to write out the list, she MUST own them. Do not deny any of them (no matter how unfair). The best way to answer them is to demonstrate and document, by formally putting in place what you already do without thinking. Deal with each issue one at a time. Listening - agree with her that half an hour of you listening to her, at a set time, HAS to be better than you NEVER listening. So write it into your diaries, both of you - you will listen to her each day from 4 pm tp 4.30 pm (you choose a time that will fit in with what has to be done in your lives, both of you - MAKE THIS WORK). Make a formal listening time. Milk and cookies time. During that time, at least in the iitial stages, you must not be doing anything else. No stirring thre saucepan for dinner, no making a cup of tea. Same with her - she needs to sit down, not doing anything else, and talk. No judgements, no tellnig her she's doing it wrong. Just listen. Every so often, feed back to her so she knows you're on board. "Just let me check if I'm getting what you're saying, honey - you're angry with Carly because she said your hair looked like corkscrews, and said it to four other girls in front of the boy you really like? Did I get that right?" Do nothing more than help her tell her story to you. If she has trouble talking or getting started, asking her questions about herself is a good way to get started. "Tell me about your day," is a good start. I remember reading a magazine from the 60s, on how to get a boy to like you. The information was very useful, the most informative bit of advice was, "get him talking about yourself. Have a few questions prepared to get him started. It doesn't matter if you don't get to say anything - he will be so busy talking about himself that he will have a wonderful time with you and want more. And he won't have found out anything about you, and again, will want the chance to find out more. When a guy spends all night talking about himself, he will go home thinking, 'she was avery interesting person, I really enjoyed myself tonight.' Guys always like to talk about themselves." The article was incredibly sexist, but that much was true - people (especially really selfish, egocentric people, which describes just about all teenagers) always prefer to talk about themselves, given the opportunity. For your daughter, it's a starting point. One more thing - if all she says, over and over, is "You're a bad moter" and more on the same theme, gently remind her that you have set aside only half an hour and she doesn't want to waste it by repeating a message you have already received, with bells on. You've heard that one, thank you, now what else is there that she needs you to hear? Because the accusation, "you never listen" is going to take a lot of half-hour sessions to remedy a lifetime of your not listening, so she needs to use every minute efficiently. And while you're gritting your teeth at the unfairness of it all, this nasty constant criticism coming from your own child (who is far from faultless) then keep in mind, in letter of fire, the fridge magnet that says to our kids, "Teenagers of the world - leave home now, while you still know everything." One day she will know better. And hopefully, remember what you did for her after what she said - and hopefully, she will cringe. Marg [/QUOTE]
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