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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742009" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I think nature and nurture are really, really complicated. There are genetics. There are in utero influences. There are epigenetics (how genes get turned on or off in response to environment). In some cases, you have physical brain trauma. And then you have environmental influences, both those in our control and those that are not. For adopted children who were not adopted at birth, there is a whole host of unknown environmental factors. What part is genetics, what part is environment, and what part is self-determination? Who can tell? </p><p></p><p>Of my four, only my youngest is mine biologically. My older daughter is so much like her bio mom it is spooky. Her bio mom abandoned her when she was a year old and saw her maybe 4-5 times over the next 20 years. She barely knows the woman. And yet, sometimes I feel like my influence in her life has been zero. Her bio mom was also abandoned by HER mom. I think S may have some reactive attachment disorder going on from being abandoned at such a critical time in her development. I've spent 26 years trying to patch that hole. When I think about her history, and her bio-mom's, I think about that quote from the Bible about "the sins of the father being visited upon them even unto the seventh generation." As I kid growing up (in a religion I no longer follow) I read that as pure pettiness on the part of God, punishing innocent children for their parents' mistakes. Now I read it as simple reality. Pain and dysfunction are transmitted down through the generations, not in punishment but just in natural consequences. (Sorry...feeling philosophical this morning.) </p><p></p><p>With my sons I feel like it's more complicated. They have a lot of their father in them. They struggle with their bio-mom's addictions. But I hear myself and my influence in them when we talk, sometimes at unexpected times. </p><p></p><p>My youngest, my only bio child, looks like me and in many ways thinks and acts like me. Except with much more confidence and social poise than I had at her age. She's not a full blown Aspie girl. But we share a sense of humor, a high degree of responsibility and perfectionism, intellectual interests, food preferences, learning styles, and more. I have been accused of cloning myself more than once. </p><p></p><p>But there are also kids growing up in horrific circumstances with bio parents who are addicts or criminals who grow up to live normal lives and never offend. There are also kids - including the kids of many here - who have no obvious risk factors, are born into homes with stable parents and ideal environments, and still go completely off the rails. Why are some kids resilient while others get into trouble no matter what advantages they are given? Who knows? I've spent my whole life trying to figure it out and am no closer to finding the answers.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742009, member: 23349"] I think nature and nurture are really, really complicated. There are genetics. There are in utero influences. There are epigenetics (how genes get turned on or off in response to environment). In some cases, you have physical brain trauma. And then you have environmental influences, both those in our control and those that are not. For adopted children who were not adopted at birth, there is a whole host of unknown environmental factors. What part is genetics, what part is environment, and what part is self-determination? Who can tell? Of my four, only my youngest is mine biologically. My older daughter is so much like her bio mom it is spooky. Her bio mom abandoned her when she was a year old and saw her maybe 4-5 times over the next 20 years. She barely knows the woman. And yet, sometimes I feel like my influence in her life has been zero. Her bio mom was also abandoned by HER mom. I think S may have some reactive attachment disorder going on from being abandoned at such a critical time in her development. I've spent 26 years trying to patch that hole. When I think about her history, and her bio-mom's, I think about that quote from the Bible about "the sins of the father being visited upon them even unto the seventh generation." As I kid growing up (in a religion I no longer follow) I read that as pure pettiness on the part of God, punishing innocent children for their parents' mistakes. Now I read it as simple reality. Pain and dysfunction are transmitted down through the generations, not in punishment but just in natural consequences. (Sorry...feeling philosophical this morning.) With my sons I feel like it's more complicated. They have a lot of their father in them. They struggle with their bio-mom's addictions. But I hear myself and my influence in them when we talk, sometimes at unexpected times. My youngest, my only bio child, looks like me and in many ways thinks and acts like me. Except with much more confidence and social poise than I had at her age. She's not a full blown Aspie girl. But we share a sense of humor, a high degree of responsibility and perfectionism, intellectual interests, food preferences, learning styles, and more. I have been accused of cloning myself more than once. But there are also kids growing up in horrific circumstances with bio parents who are addicts or criminals who grow up to live normal lives and never offend. There are also kids - including the kids of many here - who have no obvious risk factors, are born into homes with stable parents and ideal environments, and still go completely off the rails. Why are some kids resilient while others get into trouble no matter what advantages they are given? Who knows? I've spent my whole life trying to figure it out and am no closer to finding the answers. [/QUOTE]
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I think it's time to cut off all ties to my oldest...but scared to do so...
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