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I told my son to leave again. After 24 hours. What am I doing wrong?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660697" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I need advice/Update</p><p></p><p>This is our interaction that just occurred:</p><p></p><p>Son: You can just consider the work that I did a repayment of money you have lent me.</p><p></p><p>Me: Are you not going to Big City?</p><p></p><p>Son: It is just too late. I cannot get done what I need to. I waited too long.</p><p></p><p>Me: That is your choice. Of course. (in a high pitched voice, tinged with exasperation.)</p><p></p><p>You do have time, in my view. Or if you had chosen to do so, this could have been accomplished this past Thursday or Friday.</p><p></p><p>I want you to know this. I will not participate with you if you choose either to give up without trying or to not work towards your goals and responsibilities. Your housing is your responsibility not mine.</p><p></p><p>He can pay an additional $250 to crash on a couch for the month, where he has no rights and even no key. He gets into these abusive situations where he in effect pays the entire rent. And then he gets thrown out.</p><p></p><p>If he chooses this, and prefers it, to securing some other alternative *after all he chose the option of the homeless shelter in the Big City, so be it.</p><p></p><p>I think the truth is that he would prefer to stay here, but does not want to state this affirmatively. He prefers to slide into it covertly, rather than tell me the truth upfront. This is manipulation plain and simple. There is time to enter the homeless shelter. He is lying to achieve a preferred end.</p><p></p><p>My SO thinks the reason he does not say his intentions directly is because he does not want to be in any way obligated. If he chooses something, he has to want it. To want it requires a commitment and investment. Why in the world would somebody want to live in this way?</p><p></p><p>His choice. Not mine. I have suggested he needs to think about returning to his other housing option.</p><p></p><p>I will wait and see what happens before I make a definitive statement about his need to leave. I trust and rely on you all so much. To say I am grateful is the greatest of understatements.</p><p></p><p>Do you think I am being too harsh??</p><p></p><p>PS He is back to doing the windows. Streaks. He just said: Is it okay if I pay for half of the train, and you the other half? Conciliation. I had said I would pay for it all. I did not say a word.</p><p></p><p>PSS Everything blew up when my SO came home. Another 14 hour day. My son went to him, behind my back. And then came to me and said this to me in English (M does not understand): M and I have talked it over and he agrees that the only solution is that I work with him. (Basically presenting me with a done deal, in opposition to what I had told him.)</p><p></p><p>I said the following. Nobody is going to go behind my back in my house, and try to take away my power, my voice. You may think that you have arranged things with M but you have lost a whole lot of ground with me.</p><p></p><p>So now M is mad at me and he said the following:</p><p>SO: If you make Son leave I am not going to go with you to get him back when you get sad. Either he stays or he leaves. But no staying and leaving. Leaving and staying.</p><p></p><p>Me: I will not be forced into an agreement that I did not make. I never said that SON could live here and I won't be manipulated into such a commitment. By anybody.</p><p></p><p>I left the room. And here I am. Color me sad and confused. I am channeling Lil here.</p><p></p><p>And it is even worse than I thought.</p><p></p><p>My son lied to M, my SO, and told him that I had made the commitment to him that he could work with him. And M got hysterical because he felt betrayed by me. So M thought that I had gone behind his back and made a unilateral promise to my son, that M could not keep.</p><p></p><p>M is calm now, and tells me to be calm. He knows now and so do I that my son lied to M. And then lied to me, in English, so that M would not understand what he was saying. He thought he could trick each of us, to doing what he wanted. It backfired.</p><p></p><p>My son condescends to me that my rationality is so limited, so compromised, that I misunderstood his above board and completely logical and correct intentions. He talks down to me. And attempts to make me the bad and wrong one. I am not talking to him, now.</p><p></p><p>He tries to strike an alliance with M based on their inherent masculine superiority, and ability to solve problems calmly and effectively, not hysterically like MEEEEEE. The goal being to marginalize me and shut me out.</p><p></p><p>Nice guy.</p><p></p><p>The end of the story is that my son asked me to buy the ticket to the Big City. My SO will take him to the train tomorrow morning before I get up.</p><p></p><p>__</p><p></p><p>Written before:</p><p></p><p>Of course he would prefer to stay here. Free food, he thinks. Easy living. He thinks. Clean. Safe. Secure.</p><p></p><p>But I will not put myself in the business of being a treatment center or a therapist for my own adult child. Period.</p><p></p><p>I have made it clear to him, home might be an option one day if he has clear cut goals, that he has dedicated himself to achieve.</p><p></p><p>Not as easy living.</p><p></p><p>Background: In exchange for doing some chores we said we would pay for his train to the Big City, so he could get his chest xray to enter the shelter where he had planned to stay for 3 months.</p><p></p><p>He had chosen this option as an alternative to couch surfing in our small city which he hates. He gets SSI so he has the means to afford a small apartment here. He does not have the money even to get a room in this Big City, nor does he want to participate in treatment there, which would be a way to subsidized housing. In short, he has chosen a temporary and dead-end option. His choice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660697, member: 18958"] I need advice/Update This is our interaction that just occurred: Son: You can just consider the work that I did a repayment of money you have lent me. Me: Are you not going to Big City? Son: It is just too late. I cannot get done what I need to. I waited too long. Me: That is your choice. Of course. (in a high pitched voice, tinged with exasperation.) You do have time, in my view. Or if you had chosen to do so, this could have been accomplished this past Thursday or Friday. I want you to know this. I will not participate with you if you choose either to give up without trying or to not work towards your goals and responsibilities. Your housing is your responsibility not mine. He can pay an additional $250 to crash on a couch for the month, where he has no rights and even no key. He gets into these abusive situations where he in effect pays the entire rent. And then he gets thrown out. If he chooses this, and prefers it, to securing some other alternative *after all he chose the option of the homeless shelter in the Big City, so be it. I think the truth is that he would prefer to stay here, but does not want to state this affirmatively. He prefers to slide into it covertly, rather than tell me the truth upfront. This is manipulation plain and simple. There is time to enter the homeless shelter. He is lying to achieve a preferred end. My SO thinks the reason he does not say his intentions directly is because he does not want to be in any way obligated. If he chooses something, he has to want it. To want it requires a commitment and investment. Why in the world would somebody want to live in this way? His choice. Not mine. I have suggested he needs to think about returning to his other housing option. I will wait and see what happens before I make a definitive statement about his need to leave. I trust and rely on you all so much. To say I am grateful is the greatest of understatements. Do you think I am being too harsh?? PS He is back to doing the windows. Streaks. He just said: Is it okay if I pay for half of the train, and you the other half? Conciliation. I had said I would pay for it all. I did not say a word. PSS Everything blew up when my SO came home. Another 14 hour day. My son went to him, behind my back. And then came to me and said this to me in English (M does not understand): M and I have talked it over and he agrees that the only solution is that I work with him. (Basically presenting me with a done deal, in opposition to what I had told him.) I said the following. Nobody is going to go behind my back in my house, and try to take away my power, my voice. You may think that you have arranged things with M but you have lost a whole lot of ground with me. So now M is mad at me and he said the following: SO: If you make Son leave I am not going to go with you to get him back when you get sad. Either he stays or he leaves. But no staying and leaving. Leaving and staying. Me: I will not be forced into an agreement that I did not make. I never said that SON could live here and I won't be manipulated into such a commitment. By anybody. I left the room. And here I am. Color me sad and confused. I am channeling Lil here. And it is even worse than I thought. My son lied to M, my SO, and told him that I had made the commitment to him that he could work with him. And M got hysterical because he felt betrayed by me. So M thought that I had gone behind his back and made a unilateral promise to my son, that M could not keep. M is calm now, and tells me to be calm. He knows now and so do I that my son lied to M. And then lied to me, in English, so that M would not understand what he was saying. He thought he could trick each of us, to doing what he wanted. It backfired. My son condescends to me that my rationality is so limited, so compromised, that I misunderstood his above board and completely logical and correct intentions. He talks down to me. And attempts to make me the bad and wrong one. I am not talking to him, now. He tries to strike an alliance with M based on their inherent masculine superiority, and ability to solve problems calmly and effectively, not hysterically like MEEEEEE. The goal being to marginalize me and shut me out. Nice guy. The end of the story is that my son asked me to buy the ticket to the Big City. My SO will take him to the train tomorrow morning before I get up. __ Written before: Of course he would prefer to stay here. Free food, he thinks. Easy living. He thinks. Clean. Safe. Secure. But I will not put myself in the business of being a treatment center or a therapist for my own adult child. Period. I have made it clear to him, home might be an option one day if he has clear cut goals, that he has dedicated himself to achieve. Not as easy living. Background: In exchange for doing some chores we said we would pay for his train to the Big City, so he could get his chest xray to enter the shelter where he had planned to stay for 3 months. He had chosen this option as an alternative to couch surfing in our small city which he hates. He gets SSI so he has the means to afford a small apartment here. He does not have the money even to get a room in this Big City, nor does he want to participate in treatment there, which would be a way to subsidized housing. In short, he has chosen a temporary and dead-end option. His choice. [/QUOTE]
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I told my son to leave again. After 24 hours. What am I doing wrong?
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