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I told my son to leave again. After 24 hours. What am I doing wrong?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 660900" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I wish I was better at this.</p><p></p><p>It seems as if for me the illness and the cure are both intolerable.</p><p></p><p>This is what I have learned:</p><p></p><p>I have learned to respond when he breaks agreements and how to do so. I have learned to not respond to emotional blackmail. When I can spot it.</p><p></p><p>I have not learned this: to WAIT BEFORE I RESPOND and TO LIMIT MY RESPONSES to No, Oh, and So, <em>when I do not know what is happening or what to do</em>. I have not yet learned to wait.</p><p></p><p>There are alternatives to reacting, based upon emotion and confusion.</p><p></p><p>I can give myself as much time as I need to learn what other information I need to know, to truly understand what my needs and interests are. I can decide to respond when and how and if I choose. I can take all the time that I need to understand what is going on. To talk it over with M, my SO. I can do what ever it is in the world I want, and choose to not react. To wait. Because if I do react, I will do so based upon emotional triggers controlled by and designed by my son, according to his priorities, his understanding of his immediate interests.</p><p></p><p>Because my son uses all types of covert geuririlla tactics and strategies to confuse me to achieve his ends. It is worse because we speak two languages when my son is present, and M my SO does not understand English. My son when he wants to, deliberately excludes M by speaking English to me. He betrays M by misrepresenting what M has said to him, deliberately telling me things opposite to what M has told him or wanted. And he will take M aside and lie to him about what I have said or not said.</p><p></p><p>We end up angry at each other. Because my son had told each of us the opposite of what we said and want. So, we each feels betrayed by the other. Based upon my son's deceptions, we have each lost control of ourselves. Together we have lost control of the situation.</p><p></p><p>My feelings as a result are grief, hopelessness and fear.</p><p></p><p>At first I was angry. I became hostile and rejecting: "I will not be tricked by you. I will not allow you to destroy my peace. I will not allow you to come between M and I. You will not live here. I never said you could."</p><p></p><p>I went farther than I wanted to. I went further than is good for me. I wanted to stay connected to him.</p><p></p><p>More than this, I have abdicated the role of parent. I have become my son's victim. I am reacting based upon emotion. I am not responding or deciding.</p><p></p><p>I go to a place that I do not want to go.</p><p></p><p>Because I love my son. Because I worry about him when I do not know how and where he is. I do not want to reject him. I want him in my life.</p><p></p><p>Before this happened I felt good. I felt positive. I felt hopeful. In large part, because my son was near me. I believed that I could function, again.</p><p></p><p>Today it feels just horrible.</p><p></p><p>My son got his foot in the door, and did what ever he could to trick us into letting him stay here. He did not succeed. But the aftereffects cost me dearly.</p><p></p><p>PS I do not feel quite so horrible. Because I just found out that my son is telling people that I am a friend he met in the Big City. That his mother and father are dead. This is a half-truth, because his birth-parents are dead. But it seems he has killed me off, too.</p><p></p><p>This is so painful. But it is a different kind of pain. Not the pain of earlier that came from the sense that I did something wrong. That I am the bad guy.</p><p></p><p>I am dealing with a child that on some level has eliminated me because I do not do what he wants. Because I do not tolerate however he treats me. There is no way to interpret this except for hostility pure and simple, that informs his treatment of me. </p><p></p><p>That he invents a biography is not a new thing. But in the circumstances I find myself in with him, this feels very, very hurtful. It feels and seems as if we have a one-sided relationship.</p><p></p><p>That I am the designated provider of all. And that my son is the designated taker who turns into an avenger, if all that he wants is not provided, in the way he wants it, when he wants it.</p><p></p><p>Sounds like a losing game to me.</p><p></p><p>I fear just as much if not more, is that my son has killed me off as his mother, because he feels I have rejected him as my son. That he needs more from me or from someone that I have been giving and willing to give. </p><p></p><p>SWOT is right, my son has not behaved in some of the ways that many of our difficult children have done. No real anti-social or aggressive behaviors; no criminality; no hard drugs. He just calls the cops on us, wanting to put us in jail.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 660900, member: 18958"] I wish I was better at this. It seems as if for me the illness and the cure are both intolerable. This is what I have learned: I have learned to respond when he breaks agreements and how to do so. I have learned to not respond to emotional blackmail. When I can spot it. I have not learned this: to WAIT BEFORE I RESPOND and TO LIMIT MY RESPONSES to No, Oh, and So, [I]when I do not know what is happening or what to do[/I]. I have not yet learned to wait. There are alternatives to reacting, based upon emotion and confusion. I can give myself as much time as I need to learn what other information I need to know, to truly understand what my needs and interests are. I can decide to respond when and how and if I choose. I can take all the time that I need to understand what is going on. To talk it over with M, my SO. I can do what ever it is in the world I want, and choose to not react. To wait. Because if I do react, I will do so based upon emotional triggers controlled by and designed by my son, according to his priorities, his understanding of his immediate interests. Because my son uses all types of covert geuririlla tactics and strategies to confuse me to achieve his ends. It is worse because we speak two languages when my son is present, and M my SO does not understand English. My son when he wants to, deliberately excludes M by speaking English to me. He betrays M by misrepresenting what M has said to him, deliberately telling me things opposite to what M has told him or wanted. And he will take M aside and lie to him about what I have said or not said. We end up angry at each other. Because my son had told each of us the opposite of what we said and want. So, we each feels betrayed by the other. Based upon my son's deceptions, we have each lost control of ourselves. Together we have lost control of the situation. My feelings as a result are grief, hopelessness and fear. At first I was angry. I became hostile and rejecting: "I will not be tricked by you. I will not allow you to destroy my peace. I will not allow you to come between M and I. You will not live here. I never said you could." I went farther than I wanted to. I went further than is good for me. I wanted to stay connected to him. More than this, I have abdicated the role of parent. I have become my son's victim. I am reacting based upon emotion. I am not responding or deciding. I go to a place that I do not want to go. Because I love my son. Because I worry about him when I do not know how and where he is. I do not want to reject him. I want him in my life. Before this happened I felt good. I felt positive. I felt hopeful. In large part, because my son was near me. I believed that I could function, again. Today it feels just horrible. My son got his foot in the door, and did what ever he could to trick us into letting him stay here. He did not succeed. But the aftereffects cost me dearly. PS I do not feel quite so horrible. Because I just found out that my son is telling people that I am a friend he met in the Big City. That his mother and father are dead. This is a half-truth, because his birth-parents are dead. But it seems he has killed me off, too. This is so painful. But it is a different kind of pain. Not the pain of earlier that came from the sense that I did something wrong. That I am the bad guy. I am dealing with a child that on some level has eliminated me because I do not do what he wants. Because I do not tolerate however he treats me. There is no way to interpret this except for hostility pure and simple, that informs his treatment of me. That he invents a biography is not a new thing. But in the circumstances I find myself in with him, this feels very, very hurtful. It feels and seems as if we have a one-sided relationship. That I am the designated provider of all. And that my son is the designated taker who turns into an avenger, if all that he wants is not provided, in the way he wants it, when he wants it. Sounds like a losing game to me. I fear just as much if not more, is that my son has killed me off as his mother, because he feels I have rejected him as my son. That he needs more from me or from someone that I have been giving and willing to give. SWOT is right, my son has not behaved in some of the ways that many of our difficult children have done. No real anti-social or aggressive behaviors; no criminality; no hard drugs. He just calls the cops on us, wanting to put us in jail. [/QUOTE]
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I told my son to leave again. After 24 hours. What am I doing wrong?
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