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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 598414" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Many years ago on the site, WTWE, there was a discussion of techniques each of us used to survive rejection and pain. The imagery I remember most strongly had to do with lighting a figurative candle and placing it in the window. Holding that image in my heart helped me envision difficult child son finding his way out of the darkness. It helped me understand that, as I could not alter the path of difficult child son, my position needed to be one of faith, of holding on and holding strong. </p><p></p><p>There is something soothing about that imagery, even now.</p><p></p><p>You mentioned a younger daughter in your post. While we are not certain difficult child son got into drugs because of the chaos caused by difficult child daughter...his anger about those years revolves around my "desertion" of him, around the sadness and pain and the attention focused on difficult child daughter, on his feelings of inadequacy because he could not console me in my grief. He had always been such a great kid during those early years of difficult child daughter's problems. People told us to pay attention to him, that he needed us more than ever. But we were so focused on difficult child.... difficult child son is still so angry about being forced to visit difficult child daughter in treatment centers, about everyone at school knowing something bad had happened, about being tainted by difficult child daughter's failures.</p><p></p><p>He is angry that we didn't send HIM to treatment. (Nothing had worked for difficult child daughter. In fact, things just kept getting worse. So, we didn't want son in treatment when drugs became an issue for him.... He actually stopped using multiple times on his own before he stopped using for good ~ also on his own. He is an incredible person, actually.)</p><p></p><p>It's all so wrong, what can happen to our families!</p><p></p><p>Cherish the child you have at home, WTWE. Cherish her, and try to keep her life just as happy as it would have been if difficult child son had never done this. Watching my grief and feeling inadequate to console me is part of what happened to difficult child son. For the sake of your 14 year old, try to feel truly happy, try to feel that what you have with her, and with your husband, is the most perfect way things could be. Portray poor difficult child son as the bad one. </p><p></p><p>We lost our son to drugs at 16. </p><p></p><p>One day, he was this amazing kid. Had a paper route, got a job working in the classiest restaurant in town, clear sailing to working there, moving up, college, great grades. He was running for president of the Student Council? And by the time the election occurred, he was well along the path of addiction that would destroy him. It was that fast, WTWE.</p><p></p><p>As horrible as losing your son has been, try to let it be enough that you know he is alive and well. Don't let your daughter know you grieve him too much. Don't take it for granted that she is going to be okay because she is such a good girl right now. </p><p></p><p>When he was told about his sister's diagnosis, former difficult child son said something to the effect that his sister had always been crazy, and that he had tried and tried to tell us that. And do you know what? He was right. I can remember him being so angry that we would take difficult child daughter back, every time she would deign to come home.</p><p></p><p>I know it's going to be hard, I know you can't believe your younger child could ever be at risk in that way WTWE...and I hope she never is. </p><p></p><p>But if I could go back, if I could have known what was going to happen to difficult child son, if I could even have shaken myself out of the fog of grief and rage difficult child daughter had us in long enough and often enough to have told difficult child son how much he meant to us...maybe we wouldn't have lost him, too.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 598414, member: 1721"] Many years ago on the site, WTWE, there was a discussion of techniques each of us used to survive rejection and pain. The imagery I remember most strongly had to do with lighting a figurative candle and placing it in the window. Holding that image in my heart helped me envision difficult child son finding his way out of the darkness. It helped me understand that, as I could not alter the path of difficult child son, my position needed to be one of faith, of holding on and holding strong. There is something soothing about that imagery, even now. You mentioned a younger daughter in your post. While we are not certain difficult child son got into drugs because of the chaos caused by difficult child daughter...his anger about those years revolves around my "desertion" of him, around the sadness and pain and the attention focused on difficult child daughter, on his feelings of inadequacy because he could not console me in my grief. He had always been such a great kid during those early years of difficult child daughter's problems. People told us to pay attention to him, that he needed us more than ever. But we were so focused on difficult child.... difficult child son is still so angry about being forced to visit difficult child daughter in treatment centers, about everyone at school knowing something bad had happened, about being tainted by difficult child daughter's failures. He is angry that we didn't send HIM to treatment. (Nothing had worked for difficult child daughter. In fact, things just kept getting worse. So, we didn't want son in treatment when drugs became an issue for him.... He actually stopped using multiple times on his own before he stopped using for good ~ also on his own. He is an incredible person, actually.) It's all so wrong, what can happen to our families! Cherish the child you have at home, WTWE. Cherish her, and try to keep her life just as happy as it would have been if difficult child son had never done this. Watching my grief and feeling inadequate to console me is part of what happened to difficult child son. For the sake of your 14 year old, try to feel truly happy, try to feel that what you have with her, and with your husband, is the most perfect way things could be. Portray poor difficult child son as the bad one. We lost our son to drugs at 16. One day, he was this amazing kid. Had a paper route, got a job working in the classiest restaurant in town, clear sailing to working there, moving up, college, great grades. He was running for president of the Student Council? And by the time the election occurred, he was well along the path of addiction that would destroy him. It was that fast, WTWE. As horrible as losing your son has been, try to let it be enough that you know he is alive and well. Don't let your daughter know you grieve him too much. Don't take it for granted that she is going to be okay because she is such a good girl right now. When he was told about his sister's diagnosis, former difficult child son said something to the effect that his sister had always been crazy, and that he had tried and tried to tell us that. And do you know what? He was right. I can remember him being so angry that we would take difficult child daughter back, every time she would deign to come home. I know it's going to be hard, I know you can't believe your younger child could ever be at risk in that way WTWE...and I hope she never is. But if I could go back, if I could have known what was going to happen to difficult child son, if I could even have shaken myself out of the fog of grief and rage difficult child daughter had us in long enough and often enough to have told difficult child son how much he meant to us...maybe we wouldn't have lost him, too. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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