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I was full of dookie, back to "fun" times at my house, again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 333804" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Farmwife, </p><p></p><p></p><p>There are some behaviors we witness and as we grow up we just accustom ourselves to and take for granted. Society doesn't allow us to expand our thinking, or draw outside the lines, see things in a different light or accept seemingly inappropriate things as occasionally acceptable. </p><p></p><p>I'm 45 years old. I can remember pretty vividly actually a little girl in my ballet company who's Mother had MS. Everytime her Mom did make a rare appearance people stared, and gawked. She was a nice lady, her gait was awkward, her speech slurred. My Mother, God love her, never stayed away from her for a moment. The minute she'd come into the room on her crutches, dragging her feet my Mom was the first person to greet her and hug her. At first I thought it was embarrassing, I was five. No one elses' Mom went out of their way, they stayed to themselves. I found myself wishing the same of MY Mom. Eventually it wasn't so odd that Mom would ask this trembling, jerking woman to sit next to her and talk to her and that we would hug her when she came to the practices. She started to show up more and more. We became good friends with her little girl. </p><p></p><p>From that point on, I guess you could say, it was a lesson in - what IS normal? Was that other Mom not normal? Or were the other Mother's who didn't take time to greet another ballet Mom not normal? See? It's perception that I'm getting at. To me? My Mom was normal for greeting the other Mom. The other Mom with MS was normal for greeting MY Mom back and sitting and talking to her. It was the other Mom's that did nothing - not greeting another Mom, not conversing, not asking another Mom to join them in their group that MAY have made them different - but I still don't know what normal is. I carry that logic today and will forever. </p><p></p><p>So when you are talking about your home, and your family and your son, your dreams....Farmwife -What you may need to do to help you in the now is figure out what you can do and stop comparing what you have to what you think you should have in your son. He can't be what he's not. You said it yourself - he has spots. They're not going to rub off. You can't Mean-Green them off, you can't tattoo them together and make him a Panther - under it all? Panther? Still a leopard. You can't grind them off. He is what he is. So, before you make yourself bonkers - you find the best way you can to deal with that. </p><p></p><p>How you figure that out is individual. Coming here and blowing off steam helps. Getting suggestions for setting limits and consequences - even though you think, feel, believe they never work - consistency is a parents game and despite the futile effort? We stick to it as much as humanly possible. </p><p></p><p>Does it mean you're not human when you want him gone? Nope. Who would want the Wild man of Borneo living in her closet shredding her panty hose? (Oh pick me meeeeee meeEeeeee) yeah right. </p><p></p><p>Does it mean you're a bad Mother when you yell at them and loose your cool or lob rocks across the front yard? Nope. But I bet the look is the same with your kid as it was with mine when a 9lb boulder MAKES it 69' and you belt out a curse word. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/surprise.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":surprise:" title="surprise :surprise:" data-shortname=":surprise:" /> And YES you feel like a horses petute for two weeks after, and you get the mail at night - but WHO cares. YOU ARE HUMAN. You are not perfect and you can only walk on water when it's so cold it freezes. </p><p></p><p>Does it mean you're a troglodite when you wish them away and they go and then you wish them back? Nooooooope. Just means you wish that you had a better way of coping with the problem and that they would get over their bout of cranialrectalidis and come home and be whatever "normal" is or close to it or some semblance of decent is so that you could do the fun stuff like other Mommies do - and stop wasting your time disciplining the 15 year old who's emotional status if recorded and catalogued would make the best theme park ride EVERrrrrr......EVvvvvvver. UP down, UP , down. OMG how does this kid not get sea sick.....drammamine....I need DRAMMAMINE....up down.....wholey cow. Seriously - the fact that you would want them back at ALL means you're human. Even birds throw their chicks out of the nest and say "Good luck - there's a cat down there - fly fly." </p><p></p><p>Then you worry about the 10 month old. Well....yeah. 14 year age gap, and I'm thinking....Wow. You gotta wonder why at 15 this kid can't be more mature than the one that's filling his diaper. I'd wonder too - And just the fact that you have a 10 month old and a 15 year old - WOW. Do you have hair? What a brave soul you are. You know....I just don't think you are giving yourself NEARRRRRRRRRR enough credit for all you do in a day. </p><p></p><p>As far as the 15 year old goes? I think you are going to have to get some TOUGH LOVE going. I think it's time to tell this kid - GROW UP. Really. Somewhere in all of this he's got to start figuring out he is 15 YEARS old not 15 months old. YOU have an infant.....you don't need two. That baby does not need the stress, and neither to you or the 15 year old. </p><p></p><p>Do you all communicate? Fight fair? You said your dad is a psychiatrist? Can your son talk to him or one of his colleagues? Is something bugging him? Does he have any idea why he's so angry? The up an down stuff? Would he consider a mood stabilizer? Does he behave this way at school or is it okay at school and acting out at home? </p><p></p><p>We're here for ya. We really are. YOU are doing a GREAT job. REALLY REALLY. You have to keep in mind that HE OWNS his behavior and HIS choices....not you. Do you contribute to it? Sure - on how you react to it, but you can work on that. </p><p></p><p>_I recommend a great book - How to talk to your kids so they will listen and how to listen to your kids so they will talk. It's about effective communication. There's one for communicating with teens too. It works for everyone....not just kids. But it IS a revelation - was for me anyway. There were so many things I had and still Do say that are just not the right way to say it for ears to hear to go "Oh okay I'll do that." You think you're saying it nice, but ears interpret it different. </p><p></p><p>Try it </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 333804, member: 4964"] Farmwife, There are some behaviors we witness and as we grow up we just accustom ourselves to and take for granted. Society doesn't allow us to expand our thinking, or draw outside the lines, see things in a different light or accept seemingly inappropriate things as occasionally acceptable. I'm 45 years old. I can remember pretty vividly actually a little girl in my ballet company who's Mother had MS. Everytime her Mom did make a rare appearance people stared, and gawked. She was a nice lady, her gait was awkward, her speech slurred. My Mother, God love her, never stayed away from her for a moment. The minute she'd come into the room on her crutches, dragging her feet my Mom was the first person to greet her and hug her. At first I thought it was embarrassing, I was five. No one elses' Mom went out of their way, they stayed to themselves. I found myself wishing the same of MY Mom. Eventually it wasn't so odd that Mom would ask this trembling, jerking woman to sit next to her and talk to her and that we would hug her when she came to the practices. She started to show up more and more. We became good friends with her little girl. From that point on, I guess you could say, it was a lesson in - what IS normal? Was that other Mom not normal? Or were the other Mother's who didn't take time to greet another ballet Mom not normal? See? It's perception that I'm getting at. To me? My Mom was normal for greeting the other Mom. The other Mom with MS was normal for greeting MY Mom back and sitting and talking to her. It was the other Mom's that did nothing - not greeting another Mom, not conversing, not asking another Mom to join them in their group that MAY have made them different - but I still don't know what normal is. I carry that logic today and will forever. So when you are talking about your home, and your family and your son, your dreams....Farmwife -What you may need to do to help you in the now is figure out what you can do and stop comparing what you have to what you think you should have in your son. He can't be what he's not. You said it yourself - he has spots. They're not going to rub off. You can't Mean-Green them off, you can't tattoo them together and make him a Panther - under it all? Panther? Still a leopard. You can't grind them off. He is what he is. So, before you make yourself bonkers - you find the best way you can to deal with that. How you figure that out is individual. Coming here and blowing off steam helps. Getting suggestions for setting limits and consequences - even though you think, feel, believe they never work - consistency is a parents game and despite the futile effort? We stick to it as much as humanly possible. Does it mean you're not human when you want him gone? Nope. Who would want the Wild man of Borneo living in her closet shredding her panty hose? (Oh pick me meeeeee meeEeeeee) yeah right. Does it mean you're a bad Mother when you yell at them and loose your cool or lob rocks across the front yard? Nope. But I bet the look is the same with your kid as it was with mine when a 9lb boulder MAKES it 69' and you belt out a curse word. :surprised1: And YES you feel like a horses petute for two weeks after, and you get the mail at night - but WHO cares. YOU ARE HUMAN. You are not perfect and you can only walk on water when it's so cold it freezes. Does it mean you're a troglodite when you wish them away and they go and then you wish them back? Nooooooope. Just means you wish that you had a better way of coping with the problem and that they would get over their bout of cranialrectalidis and come home and be whatever "normal" is or close to it or some semblance of decent is so that you could do the fun stuff like other Mommies do - and stop wasting your time disciplining the 15 year old who's emotional status if recorded and catalogued would make the best theme park ride EVERrrrrr......EVvvvvvver. UP down, UP , down. OMG how does this kid not get sea sick.....drammamine....I need DRAMMAMINE....up down.....wholey cow. Seriously - the fact that you would want them back at ALL means you're human. Even birds throw their chicks out of the nest and say "Good luck - there's a cat down there - fly fly." Then you worry about the 10 month old. Well....yeah. 14 year age gap, and I'm thinking....Wow. You gotta wonder why at 15 this kid can't be more mature than the one that's filling his diaper. I'd wonder too - And just the fact that you have a 10 month old and a 15 year old - WOW. Do you have hair? What a brave soul you are. You know....I just don't think you are giving yourself NEARRRRRRRRRR enough credit for all you do in a day. As far as the 15 year old goes? I think you are going to have to get some TOUGH LOVE going. I think it's time to tell this kid - GROW UP. Really. Somewhere in all of this he's got to start figuring out he is 15 YEARS old not 15 months old. YOU have an infant.....you don't need two. That baby does not need the stress, and neither to you or the 15 year old. Do you all communicate? Fight fair? You said your dad is a psychiatrist? Can your son talk to him or one of his colleagues? Is something bugging him? Does he have any idea why he's so angry? The up an down stuff? Would he consider a mood stabilizer? Does he behave this way at school or is it okay at school and acting out at home? We're here for ya. We really are. YOU are doing a GREAT job. REALLY REALLY. You have to keep in mind that HE OWNS his behavior and HIS choices....not you. Do you contribute to it? Sure - on how you react to it, but you can work on that. _I recommend a great book - How to talk to your kids so they will listen and how to listen to your kids so they will talk. It's about effective communication. There's one for communicating with teens too. It works for everyone....not just kids. But it IS a revelation - was for me anyway. There were so many things I had and still Do say that are just not the right way to say it for ears to hear to go "Oh okay I'll do that." You think you're saying it nice, but ears interpret it different. Try it Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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