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I wish I wasn't so, well, me -
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 479258" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Steely, I have learned over the course of my life that yes, it is very painful to hurt so much and be so easily hurt by other people. The first 20 years of my life were sheer misery. The next 10 were better but I had to learn to walk away from people who, I realise now, were trying to hurt me for their own reasons. Or people who simply did not care about anyone other than themselves. But along the way there were good people who helped me learn to accept myself as I am, warts, gifts and all.</p><p></p><p>And where I am now - I am so very glad I have not lost the 'sensitive' that you describe, even though it was the cause of so much pain for me. I spent some time talking to my young protege yesterday at the writers festival - she is very socially sensitive, wants to help people and feels a higher level of personal responsibility for others than I feel is good for her. She keeps getting hooked in to the nastier members of our species, who are seeing her as weak (she is not) and able to be manipulated (to a certain extent, because of her kind heart). I told her that the lessons she learns now in how to recognise these problem people, and also in learning to say aloud, "That is inappropriate and you have hurt my feelings," will stand her in good stead in years to come.</p><p></p><p>I have also realised that being able to feel so intensely has made me a good writer. I got independent accolades for my work yesterday! Yay! So I finally have brought the sensitivity home to where it can really benefit me, at last. There is a reason.</p><p></p><p>But what I tried to say before - I had to learn to not take it all so personally, when someone was lashing out. I spent years asking myself what was wrong with me. Why did people hate me? Why were people so mean? Why did nobody hear me when I asked for help? Why, when I needed some support, was I expected to be strong for everyone else and not complain or be needy? I was just a kid...</p><p>It all led to a better understanding of human nature, and it has turned me from a timid, insecure geeky dork to someone who has the courage to speak up when others think it is too dangerous. I no longer worry about other people's opinions of me as a person, if it means I have to let injustice slide. If I know that what I say will have zero impact, I generally shut up. But when bad things happen and nobody else is willing to say, "Stop!" I will. But if the people who hear me do nothing, then I feel I can still walk away knowing that my words have at least been uttered. What people choose to do with what I do or say is entirely their business. But I have to live with myself.</p><p></p><p>Which brings me back to - don't let your sensitivity to other people control your actions, if it means you have to go against your own moral standards too hard. People really are selfish (I include myself here) and as I said before, grieving people especially so. That's why I said, "Get over yourself," because I had to learn to get over myself. I was worrying constantly about what other people thought of me when really, they weren't even noticing me. The pain I was feeling was real, but the reasons were coming from inside me mostly, and not from other people imposing their dislike (or other negative emotion) on me. I had enough negative emotions for everybody!</p><p></p><p>"Get over yourself" also means "It's okay, it's actually not aimed at you." But please, don't wish way your sensitivity. You need it, we need it in you. What you need more, is to instal your own control knob so you can reduce the gain on your sensitivity as and when you need to. And you need to be able to turn that knob back up again when you need to really, really tune in to someone.</p><p></p><p>To shut off your sensitivity risks you shutting off your ability to respond emotionally when you need to. And you might think it goes away, but it actually buries inside and eats away like acid. Trying to shut off your sensitivity is like painting over a rusty piece of iron. The iron has been dipped in salt as well, then you paint over it, but underneath the paint the corrosion is continuing and doing even more damage for not being seen.</p><p></p><p>So please, continue to care. Just don't refer it back to yourself. That is where your sensitivity can cut you like a knife.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 479258, member: 1991"] Steely, I have learned over the course of my life that yes, it is very painful to hurt so much and be so easily hurt by other people. The first 20 years of my life were sheer misery. The next 10 were better but I had to learn to walk away from people who, I realise now, were trying to hurt me for their own reasons. Or people who simply did not care about anyone other than themselves. But along the way there were good people who helped me learn to accept myself as I am, warts, gifts and all. And where I am now - I am so very glad I have not lost the 'sensitive' that you describe, even though it was the cause of so much pain for me. I spent some time talking to my young protege yesterday at the writers festival - she is very socially sensitive, wants to help people and feels a higher level of personal responsibility for others than I feel is good for her. She keeps getting hooked in to the nastier members of our species, who are seeing her as weak (she is not) and able to be manipulated (to a certain extent, because of her kind heart). I told her that the lessons she learns now in how to recognise these problem people, and also in learning to say aloud, "That is inappropriate and you have hurt my feelings," will stand her in good stead in years to come. I have also realised that being able to feel so intensely has made me a good writer. I got independent accolades for my work yesterday! Yay! So I finally have brought the sensitivity home to where it can really benefit me, at last. There is a reason. But what I tried to say before - I had to learn to not take it all so personally, when someone was lashing out. I spent years asking myself what was wrong with me. Why did people hate me? Why were people so mean? Why did nobody hear me when I asked for help? Why, when I needed some support, was I expected to be strong for everyone else and not complain or be needy? I was just a kid... It all led to a better understanding of human nature, and it has turned me from a timid, insecure geeky dork to someone who has the courage to speak up when others think it is too dangerous. I no longer worry about other people's opinions of me as a person, if it means I have to let injustice slide. If I know that what I say will have zero impact, I generally shut up. But when bad things happen and nobody else is willing to say, "Stop!" I will. But if the people who hear me do nothing, then I feel I can still walk away knowing that my words have at least been uttered. What people choose to do with what I do or say is entirely their business. But I have to live with myself. Which brings me back to - don't let your sensitivity to other people control your actions, if it means you have to go against your own moral standards too hard. People really are selfish (I include myself here) and as I said before, grieving people especially so. That's why I said, "Get over yourself," because I had to learn to get over myself. I was worrying constantly about what other people thought of me when really, they weren't even noticing me. The pain I was feeling was real, but the reasons were coming from inside me mostly, and not from other people imposing their dislike (or other negative emotion) on me. I had enough negative emotions for everybody! "Get over yourself" also means "It's okay, it's actually not aimed at you." But please, don't wish way your sensitivity. You need it, we need it in you. What you need more, is to instal your own control knob so you can reduce the gain on your sensitivity as and when you need to. And you need to be able to turn that knob back up again when you need to really, really tune in to someone. To shut off your sensitivity risks you shutting off your ability to respond emotionally when you need to. And you might think it goes away, but it actually buries inside and eats away like acid. Trying to shut off your sensitivity is like painting over a rusty piece of iron. The iron has been dipped in salt as well, then you paint over it, but underneath the paint the corrosion is continuing and doing even more damage for not being seen. So please, continue to care. Just don't refer it back to yourself. That is where your sensitivity can cut you like a knife. Marg [/QUOTE]
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