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I'd like to talk about acceptance
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<blockquote data-quote="witzend" data-source="post: 626066" data-attributes="member: 99"><p>I wish I could say that I knew the answer to this. I don't have a clue. Part of me wants to say that while we know that you feel it is wrong for him to live under a bridge and not participate in society it's also his choice and it's what he is able to do so "who are we to judge?"; and part of me wants to say "I wish we could all find a way to make the years of hell go away."</p><p></p><p>I think - for myself & M, anyway - that deep down I still wish he was 3 years old and I could do something different to make him more self-assured and confident. That's fantasy thinking. It's a problem with my own perception that makes me wish he would change, and in fact it's quite selfish of me to feel that somehow he has to live his life to my standards, but I do. It's what makes it so hard to talk to him. That's on me. And he's a man now, so the problem there is really about my perception of him rather than how he lives his life.</p><p></p><p>I was brought up in a very dogmatic home that taught guilt over all else. "Born into sin and never attaining grace." Worse yet I was a girl and girls who act out are never forgiven. I have a hard time getting away from the guilt of not raising a happy young man. I look back now and I see all of the kisses and hugs and encouragement that I didn't give that I should have. Things were <em>so terribly </em>bad for us when he was born and for the first few years of his life. I never let myself get close to him. Of course that regret is futile. There were reasons that things happened as they did. Were they good ones? I don't know, but I didn't have the capacity then to live my life differently.</p><p></p><p>We used to encourage M when he was young to find something he liked to do. Later we would warn him that he would end up on the street and unemployable. He'd <em>never</em> choose anything. All through HS no matter who asked, "I want to be a pirate or a gangster." It's like trying to figure out the butterfly effect. Which flutter of the wing caused the hurricane that is M? We'll never know.</p><p></p><p>I think you're on the right track. It's acceptance of yourself. The die has been cast with your son, and you did the best you could with what you had available to you at the time. I think that the only thing we can do is to not judge ourselves too harshly and to know that there are people in the world who don't judge us harshly, either.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="witzend, post: 626066, member: 99"] I wish I could say that I knew the answer to this. I don't have a clue. Part of me wants to say that while we know that you feel it is wrong for him to live under a bridge and not participate in society it's also his choice and it's what he is able to do so "who are we to judge?"; and part of me wants to say "I wish we could all find a way to make the years of hell go away." I think - for myself & M, anyway - that deep down I still wish he was 3 years old and I could do something different to make him more self-assured and confident. That's fantasy thinking. It's a problem with my own perception that makes me wish he would change, and in fact it's quite selfish of me to feel that somehow he has to live his life to my standards, but I do. It's what makes it so hard to talk to him. That's on me. And he's a man now, so the problem there is really about my perception of him rather than how he lives his life. I was brought up in a very dogmatic home that taught guilt over all else. "Born into sin and never attaining grace." Worse yet I was a girl and girls who act out are never forgiven. I have a hard time getting away from the guilt of not raising a happy young man. I look back now and I see all of the kisses and hugs and encouragement that I didn't give that I should have. Things were [I]so terribly [/I]bad for us when he was born and for the first few years of his life. I never let myself get close to him. Of course that regret is futile. There were reasons that things happened as they did. Were they good ones? I don't know, but I didn't have the capacity then to live my life differently. We used to encourage M when he was young to find something he liked to do. Later we would warn him that he would end up on the street and unemployable. He'd [I]never[/I] choose anything. All through HS no matter who asked, "I want to be a pirate or a gangster." It's like trying to figure out the butterfly effect. Which flutter of the wing caused the hurricane that is M? We'll never know. I think you're on the right track. It's acceptance of yourself. The die has been cast with your son, and you did the best you could with what you had available to you at the time. I think that the only thing we can do is to not judge ourselves too harshly and to know that there are people in the world who don't judge us harshly, either. [/QUOTE]
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