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I'd like to talk about acceptance
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 626696" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Child,</p><p></p><p>I read this yestarday, but wanted to wait till I was at a real computer with a real screen and had time to reflect. Truth be told I am also working on letting go of my son by letting go of my death grip on the forum...sometimes I think I transfer my free-floating anxiety to the computer, as I scan repeatedly for new posts to which to respond, new responses to my posts. That is not a reflection of a whole life! I am going to try to keep it to once or twice a day...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I share this, both with my ex husband, and with a lot of people around me, and most of the men in my life. I eventually become dismissive. I believe that somehow I am "better than" while simultaneously being deeply insecure. I repeat that with my difficult child, and sometimes with my easy child's. I am working hard not to repeat it with my SO, and never to do it with my kids or inner circle ever again. SO helps by seeing it, calling me on it. HOw toxic must that be to those around me! I am working working working on that. I am better. Thank you for stating this so clearly. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Sometimes I think I need so much space there is only room for me and my animals! Sometimes not even room for the dogs, who are their own needy selves. Cats, maybe...</p><p>And, more seriously, as you have often repeated in response to other people's posts...pause. wait. time is a healer. space allows us the room we need to be, the air we need to breathe. A Room of One's Own, yes?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Whether I like it or not this is where I am. SO far I find that even brief contact makes me behave in ugly ways (not objectively ugly, just ugly to myself, and presumably hurtful to difficult child, although he can be amazingly resilient). So in addition to figure out how much is too much, there is the question of how to be, how to manage, the little there is. If I could come to that, I might be able to make more contact. Which I would like. (there is a true thought I hadn't had before!)</p><p></p><p>A truth for me: I would like more contact with difficult child if I could make it less painful to me to see him. </p><p>That is on me. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I will confess that sometimes lately, Child, I have envied your position of having difficult child in jail. how CRAZY is that??????? and only something that those of us on the forum could ever understand. </p><p></p><p>I've said before that my SO had a severely mentally ill mother, who he had sole responsibility for managing from about age 13-43, when she died. He told me once that he had the most peace when she was hospitalized. I was horrifeid (I think this coincided with my son's first real psychiatric hospitalization). Oh how I rue that judgment now!! WAlk a mile in some one elses shoes, right?</p><p></p><p>Of course I do not wish your son in jail, Child, I know you understand that. I wish him whole and healthy, and you too....but I know that you don't have to think of him cold or hungry or scared, I know you don't have to manage meetings, decide what to do or not do, worry about him being the dead homeless guy...I know you understand me here. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The love I have for neurotypical people in my life is often painful too. My easy child's grow up, drift away. They may like my ex and his very nice very beautiful girlfriend more than they like me and my rougher, less elegant SO. My daughter lives 2000 miles away. My mom is dead, my sister lonely. Loving all these people hurts. Like you, I never want to stop loving. Love is the only thing that makes any sense.</p><p></p><p>This is when I turn to the buddhist 4 sufferings, one of which is...we must accept that we will lose those we love. </p><p></p><p>When we can accept that we can be whole within ourselves, and free to enjoy the ones we love without anxiety, without attachment.</p><p></p><p>Let me know what happened in court today, Child.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 626696, member: 17269"] Child, I read this yestarday, but wanted to wait till I was at a real computer with a real screen and had time to reflect. Truth be told I am also working on letting go of my son by letting go of my death grip on the forum...sometimes I think I transfer my free-floating anxiety to the computer, as I scan repeatedly for new posts to which to respond, new responses to my posts. That is not a reflection of a whole life! I am going to try to keep it to once or twice a day... I share this, both with my ex husband, and with a lot of people around me, and most of the men in my life. I eventually become dismissive. I believe that somehow I am "better than" while simultaneously being deeply insecure. I repeat that with my difficult child, and sometimes with my easy child's. I am working hard not to repeat it with my SO, and never to do it with my kids or inner circle ever again. SO helps by seeing it, calling me on it. HOw toxic must that be to those around me! I am working working working on that. I am better. Thank you for stating this so clearly. Sometimes I think I need so much space there is only room for me and my animals! Sometimes not even room for the dogs, who are their own needy selves. Cats, maybe... And, more seriously, as you have often repeated in response to other people's posts...pause. wait. time is a healer. space allows us the room we need to be, the air we need to breathe. A Room of One's Own, yes? Whether I like it or not this is where I am. SO far I find that even brief contact makes me behave in ugly ways (not objectively ugly, just ugly to myself, and presumably hurtful to difficult child, although he can be amazingly resilient). So in addition to figure out how much is too much, there is the question of how to be, how to manage, the little there is. If I could come to that, I might be able to make more contact. Which I would like. (there is a true thought I hadn't had before!) A truth for me: I would like more contact with difficult child if I could make it less painful to me to see him. That is on me. I will confess that sometimes lately, Child, I have envied your position of having difficult child in jail. how CRAZY is that??????? and only something that those of us on the forum could ever understand. I've said before that my SO had a severely mentally ill mother, who he had sole responsibility for managing from about age 13-43, when she died. He told me once that he had the most peace when she was hospitalized. I was horrifeid (I think this coincided with my son's first real psychiatric hospitalization). Oh how I rue that judgment now!! WAlk a mile in some one elses shoes, right? Of course I do not wish your son in jail, Child, I know you understand that. I wish him whole and healthy, and you too....but I know that you don't have to think of him cold or hungry or scared, I know you don't have to manage meetings, decide what to do or not do, worry about him being the dead homeless guy...I know you understand me here. The love I have for neurotypical people in my life is often painful too. My easy child's grow up, drift away. They may like my ex and his very nice very beautiful girlfriend more than they like me and my rougher, less elegant SO. My daughter lives 2000 miles away. My mom is dead, my sister lonely. Loving all these people hurts. Like you, I never want to stop loving. Love is the only thing that makes any sense. This is when I turn to the buddhist 4 sufferings, one of which is...we must accept that we will lose those we love. When we can accept that we can be whole within ourselves, and free to enjoy the ones we love without anxiety, without attachment. Let me know what happened in court today, Child. Echo [/QUOTE]
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