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If you've ever 'sent your child away' ...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 84934" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>GG, </p><p></p><p>I had overwhelming guilt. My son has been in numerous psychiatric hospitals, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, hospitals, group homes, Department of Juvenile Justice, and now lives 21/2 hours away from me so he can learn some independent living skills to move on into his own place someday. </p><p></p><p>Most of my guilt was due to the fact that while I put up a good front my psyche said "You didn't do a good job protecting him from his father." This in turn lead me to believe that every time difficult child acted out? It was a direct result of something that I did or didn't do and I excused those behaviors constantly. Oh and get this one, when I finally came to grips with the fact that I excused his behaviors I had guilt over THAT because I was supposed to know better and not let him get away with those things so THAT was my fault too." </p><p></p><p>I've had to come a long way from the place in my mind that my evil x put me. I had to fix ME first before I could begin to tell difficult child how to do anything so before I made myself feel guilty over that too? I got into counseling. Today I'm a much better person and parent. Once I got a better ME under my belt the rest of the problems either were diminished because I could SEE how my perceptions and choices were clouded in a mist of manipulative behaviors and control issues of my x. I had other unresolved issues I didn't even know about that caused me to choose and marry whom I did. I had unresolved issues that caused me to stay in the marriage - that and him being so abusive and controlling. </p><p></p><p>See your mind changes due to the environment it's in the most. Some people think that it's normal or okay to do the things they do to others because of the grand excuse "I was raised that way." And refuse to believe that Mom or Dad may have been wrong. So some people grow up with abnormal thinking & problem solving capabilities and when we play the motion picture in our head of what we THINK life should look like, and fall short? We blame ourselves. We didn't "live up to" or "fell short of". When in reality we did what we did or we wouldn't have done it we would have done something different. So first rule of therapy for me was eliminating the word SHOULD. As in I should have. VERY liberating. </p><p></p><p>I've worked through the guilt and still there are moments when I'm in a store and I see a shirt or a favorite candy of difficult child's and I pick it up thinking maybe for Christmas and then put it back down because that is enabling and it makes ME feel guilty about my decisions to let him go. </p><p></p><p>I know what you're feeling. From time to time it's okay to miss them, and even feel sadness over the loss of a dream. The best thing any of us can do from that point on is to find new dreams that are healthy and productive for us. My difficult child will find his own way. It's what he really wanted. And it beats the yelling and carrying on - heck sometimes he just calls to hear my voice now. THAT makes me feel good. And knowing I did what I could to help him reach his goals despite the past? That makes me feel good too. </p><p></p><p>Get yourself happy - it will make you feel healthier. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 84934, member: 4964"] GG, I had overwhelming guilt. My son has been in numerous psychiatric hospitals, Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, hospitals, group homes, Department of Juvenile Justice, and now lives 21/2 hours away from me so he can learn some independent living skills to move on into his own place someday. Most of my guilt was due to the fact that while I put up a good front my psyche said "You didn't do a good job protecting him from his father." This in turn lead me to believe that every time difficult child acted out? It was a direct result of something that I did or didn't do and I excused those behaviors constantly. Oh and get this one, when I finally came to grips with the fact that I excused his behaviors I had guilt over THAT because I was supposed to know better and not let him get away with those things so THAT was my fault too." I've had to come a long way from the place in my mind that my evil x put me. I had to fix ME first before I could begin to tell difficult child how to do anything so before I made myself feel guilty over that too? I got into counseling. Today I'm a much better person and parent. Once I got a better ME under my belt the rest of the problems either were diminished because I could SEE how my perceptions and choices were clouded in a mist of manipulative behaviors and control issues of my x. I had other unresolved issues I didn't even know about that caused me to choose and marry whom I did. I had unresolved issues that caused me to stay in the marriage - that and him being so abusive and controlling. See your mind changes due to the environment it's in the most. Some people think that it's normal or okay to do the things they do to others because of the grand excuse "I was raised that way." And refuse to believe that Mom or Dad may have been wrong. So some people grow up with abnormal thinking & problem solving capabilities and when we play the motion picture in our head of what we THINK life should look like, and fall short? We blame ourselves. We didn't "live up to" or "fell short of". When in reality we did what we did or we wouldn't have done it we would have done something different. So first rule of therapy for me was eliminating the word SHOULD. As in I should have. VERY liberating. I've worked through the guilt and still there are moments when I'm in a store and I see a shirt or a favorite candy of difficult child's and I pick it up thinking maybe for Christmas and then put it back down because that is enabling and it makes ME feel guilty about my decisions to let him go. I know what you're feeling. From time to time it's okay to miss them, and even feel sadness over the loss of a dream. The best thing any of us can do from that point on is to find new dreams that are healthy and productive for us. My difficult child will find his own way. It's what he really wanted. And it beats the yelling and carrying on - heck sometimes he just calls to hear my voice now. THAT makes me feel good. And knowing I did what I could to help him reach his goals despite the past? That makes me feel good too. Get yourself happy - it will make you feel healthier. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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