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I'm actually going to send him to college??
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 632168" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I have a few questions that you don't have to answer except to yourself.</p><p></p><p>Does he lie a lot? Lie to gain things from other people, especially you? Does he put on a charming act to get what he wants, since he knows how to do it? Is he a hard worker (this will tell you tons about how he wants to succeed. Some people want to succeed by working hard and making good and some want to do it off the good intentions and hard work of others, who are kindhearted and give it to him?) Are you sure he'd even go to college? Some of our difficult children have misused the money we have given for and during college and then we have found out they weren't even attending. This is not a young adult I'd pay anything for or send to college. In fact, in my opinion, he owes you $1500.</p><p></p><p>I have a charming, tricky son who is highly intelligent and many times I have thought "Things are better now" and sometimes they are. That doesn't mean he has changed. Often, as soon as stressors come into play, he is worse than ever, acting like he is six years old and having a tantrum. These young adults often use drugs and/or have personality disorders. I am reading about personality disorders because my son has many traits and although I iknow I can't change him, I have become interested in how personality disordered people act. Being charming is a prime trait in narcissism and antisocial, but that doesn't mean your son has either one...I mean, some people are just very pleasant and fun. The difference is when they use that charm to get things out of others. They don't want to work hard. They want YOU (or anyone) to work hard to support THEM. They often break the law as rules don't apply to them and they have no remorse about screwing up other people or getting stuff from them. This is for your knowledge only; not any attempt to diagnose a young adult I have never met. It's just kind of a "be careful" warning when you let yourself get too hopeful too soon and hand out too much because, just like me, you are so happy a few quirks seem to be under better control. We think we need to reward our adult children for acting halfway decent for periods of time...I learned the hard way to just go with the flow, be happy when it happens, don't give out rewards for normal good behavior, don't let my own thoughts become "magical"..."It's getting better, therefore I have to throw the kitchen sink at him to show him how much I appreciate the changes." In spite of all we gave to our now 36 year old son, plus signing him up for college, which he never completed, he is who he is. He's a little unique with our difficult children because he does have a great job, work, and own his own home but I'm convinced he never would have done this on his own if we would have done it for him. He STILL acts my ex husband for money all the time, although he has a good job. He claims he is always broke.</p><p></p><p>After his car escapade that will cost you so much, is he still driving YOUR car? Does he help pay for gas/insurance? If it were my son, the car would be gone if he didn't show remorse, try to work part time to repay me and paying for his own gas would not be negotiable. All of my kids had to pay for t heir own gas and help pay their part of the insurance and they all worked part time in high school, even the difficult children. That just wasn't an option not to. And, fortunately, even with their problems, they all do work now.</p><p></p><p>To LucyJ: If he is under eighteen, the parents are responsible for their mischief.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 632168, member: 1550"] I have a few questions that you don't have to answer except to yourself. Does he lie a lot? Lie to gain things from other people, especially you? Does he put on a charming act to get what he wants, since he knows how to do it? Is he a hard worker (this will tell you tons about how he wants to succeed. Some people want to succeed by working hard and making good and some want to do it off the good intentions and hard work of others, who are kindhearted and give it to him?) Are you sure he'd even go to college? Some of our difficult children have misused the money we have given for and during college and then we have found out they weren't even attending. This is not a young adult I'd pay anything for or send to college. In fact, in my opinion, he owes you $1500. I have a charming, tricky son who is highly intelligent and many times I have thought "Things are better now" and sometimes they are. That doesn't mean he has changed. Often, as soon as stressors come into play, he is worse than ever, acting like he is six years old and having a tantrum. These young adults often use drugs and/or have personality disorders. I am reading about personality disorders because my son has many traits and although I iknow I can't change him, I have become interested in how personality disordered people act. Being charming is a prime trait in narcissism and antisocial, but that doesn't mean your son has either one...I mean, some people are just very pleasant and fun. The difference is when they use that charm to get things out of others. They don't want to work hard. They want YOU (or anyone) to work hard to support THEM. They often break the law as rules don't apply to them and they have no remorse about screwing up other people or getting stuff from them. This is for your knowledge only; not any attempt to diagnose a young adult I have never met. It's just kind of a "be careful" warning when you let yourself get too hopeful too soon and hand out too much because, just like me, you are so happy a few quirks seem to be under better control. We think we need to reward our adult children for acting halfway decent for periods of time...I learned the hard way to just go with the flow, be happy when it happens, don't give out rewards for normal good behavior, don't let my own thoughts become "magical"..."It's getting better, therefore I have to throw the kitchen sink at him to show him how much I appreciate the changes." In spite of all we gave to our now 36 year old son, plus signing him up for college, which he never completed, he is who he is. He's a little unique with our difficult children because he does have a great job, work, and own his own home but I'm convinced he never would have done this on his own if we would have done it for him. He STILL acts my ex husband for money all the time, although he has a good job. He claims he is always broke. After his car escapade that will cost you so much, is he still driving YOUR car? Does he help pay for gas/insurance? If it were my son, the car would be gone if he didn't show remorse, try to work part time to repay me and paying for his own gas would not be negotiable. All of my kids had to pay for t heir own gas and help pay their part of the insurance and they all worked part time in high school, even the difficult children. That just wasn't an option not to. And, fortunately, even with their problems, they all do work now. To LucyJ: If he is under eighteen, the parents are responsible for their mischief. [/QUOTE]
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I'm actually going to send him to college??
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