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I'm going to test my kid no matter what hubby says
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 61586" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Kathrine, I'm on your side. Thoroughly. But you're antagonising husband and thereby making it harder on yourself. Mind you, if I were in your shoes I might be wanting to choke him myself...</p><p></p><p>You wrote, "difficult child says 'Whenever I sit down and talk to him face to face and get his attention he listens just fine.'"</p><p>I'm presuming you meant husband, not difficult child? Very revealing... but it is a statement I would have thought you could agree with. because that IS what they're like - you CAN sit down and talk one on one with these kids, and they do SEEM to take things on board.</p><p></p><p>If it's not like that for you, then you're probably seeing more of the real problem and husband is still seeing a politer version, a kid who really wants to please his father and at least SEEM to be paying attention. </p><p></p><p>What would happen if you said to husband, "Wow, honey! You got him to LISTEN to you! He needs this sort of understanding, I'm just not able to fathom this sort of approach - how about YOU take over supervising his homework every night? It would mean so much to both of us and put my mind at rest about anything being wrong, if it could be so easily fixed." Try to not sound sarcastic. Tempting, I know.</p><p></p><p>Then if husband will follow through (and from your description, I doubt he can) then you get a break. If husband miraculously produces results, difficult child's marks greatly improve and his attitude in class becomes perfect, then your problem is solved.</p><p>I doubt this will happen. And when it doesn't happen, how will husband explain it?</p><p></p><p>Those test results worry me. He sounds like a very bright kid who isn't able to perform to his standard. This is so frustrating FOR THE KID, as well as for those trying to help him. And yes, a bright kid will get sullen, defiant and misbehave, especially if people around him expect this to happen and begin to consider him to be naughty and disruptive. They feel bad about themselves and resent themselves for not being able to come up with the goods.</p><p></p><p>So here's another direction to take, with husband - in this test you have empirical results. You can point to the scores and give a number. There is clearly a disparity - those numbers should be much more similar. With most of these tests, there should be similar results across the board, unless there is an underlying problem.</p><p>A kid can't get a false high result, but he CAN get a false low. The test is designed so this is unlikely to happen by accident. The kids generally enjoy these tests, they're like games. They are highly motivated to do as well as possible. But difficult child couldn't do better than this? It's not his vocabulary that let him down - he understands the questions. He's bright, he has the language skills and communication skills. So what went wrong? Can husband explain this? Does he have any ideas? Because if there is something wrong with difficult child, he needs it discovered NOW so he won't fall too far behind. With support and finding out what this problem is so he can get around it, difficult child can pick up the pace and become anything he wants to be - a doctor, a lawyer, an airline pilot. But if he can't resolve whatever is interfering with his ability to listen (and it could be as simple as a subtle hearing problem, or frequency discrimination problem) then difficult child is going to head in a very different direction.</p><p></p><p>At this point, don't say anything to husband about what you think his (husband's) problems are. This is attacking, and husband will HAVE to defend himself, probably by increasingly denying that the problem exists; or that it's a problem at all. That is not what you want. Right now, your focus has to be difficult child. Don't try to fix husband at the same time. Maybe later, if he ever accepts the connection... (hey, at least he knows he's difficult child's real father!)</p><p></p><p>husband is right when he says that when he concentrates on something, REALLY puts his mind to it, he can narrow his focus down. This is a typical adaptation coping skill in someone who is bright but has ADHD. You're born with this condition, it's just one of those things, but you adapt as you get older. If you get support, you adapt with tuition. If you're floundering (as husband would have been) you work things out for yourself. You end up managing, coping. Would he have done better in life with support? Almost certainly. But it's almost too late to intervene, with an adult. They become too set in their ways and their own personal management strategies.</p><p></p><p>I was born with poor eyesight. I never realised how bad my eyesight was and because I found ways to cope, it took a school eye test to identify the problem. When I got my first pair of glasses I realised how much I had been struggling, but I also began to REALLY do well. Before then I had been using colour to see my way, which meant I couldn't get around in the gloom and dark. I had also been clumsy. So I could have been accidentally diagnosed with Vitamin A deficiency and poor gross motor skills. Instead, I was merely short-sighted.</p><p></p><p>Similarly, don't hammer on about ADHD to husband. He's not an expert (although he's probably more of an expert than he realises!) and neither are you. Let an expert assess. What is concerning you is what you see - he has a listening problem which is seriously hampering his ability to reach his potential at school.</p><p></p><p>In the meantime, to help difficult child cope - when you talk to him, make sure you have eye contact. Reduce distractions when you need him to pay attention - this means turn the TV down or off, turn background volume down or off, unless it is masking other sounds such as traffic noise outside. Keep the lighting comfortably bright, not too dim and certainly not glaring. Make sure his clothing is comfortable - I had to remove manufacturing labels from difficult child 1's clothing because it itched the back of his neck. I've known some kids who wear their clothes inside out because that way the seams aren't rubbing. make sure he isn't hungry, thirsty or needing to go to the toilet.</p><p></p><p>And treat husband the same way.</p><p></p><p>Focus on their qualities and abilities. Boost their self-esteem, constantly but appropriately. Like, don't say, "You're the most handsome person I've ever seen" because we live in a world with Pierce Brosnan and Brad Pitt. But boost the things they are good at - "husband, I do like you you can really focus on something important you're working on, and get to the source of the problem." or "difficult child, you have a lovely smile and I love your hugs." (or swap, depending on the situation). I love you needs to be said often. But only if you can mean it at the time you say it.</p><p></p><p>You need answers. difficult child has a clearly identified problem. It needs further assessment to identify the underlying cause, which could be physical. Don't talk to husband about any other possibilities.</p><p></p><p>And hopefully you'll be able to help difficult child enough to make some changes for him. One day, if husband is looking proudly at his son achieving well and says, "He's a chip off the old block," you can smile and say, "More than you know, husband."</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 61586, member: 1991"] Kathrine, I'm on your side. Thoroughly. But you're antagonising husband and thereby making it harder on yourself. Mind you, if I were in your shoes I might be wanting to choke him myself... You wrote, "difficult child says 'Whenever I sit down and talk to him face to face and get his attention he listens just fine.'" I'm presuming you meant husband, not difficult child? Very revealing... but it is a statement I would have thought you could agree with. because that IS what they're like - you CAN sit down and talk one on one with these kids, and they do SEEM to take things on board. If it's not like that for you, then you're probably seeing more of the real problem and husband is still seeing a politer version, a kid who really wants to please his father and at least SEEM to be paying attention. What would happen if you said to husband, "Wow, honey! You got him to LISTEN to you! He needs this sort of understanding, I'm just not able to fathom this sort of approach - how about YOU take over supervising his homework every night? It would mean so much to both of us and put my mind at rest about anything being wrong, if it could be so easily fixed." Try to not sound sarcastic. Tempting, I know. Then if husband will follow through (and from your description, I doubt he can) then you get a break. If husband miraculously produces results, difficult child's marks greatly improve and his attitude in class becomes perfect, then your problem is solved. I doubt this will happen. And when it doesn't happen, how will husband explain it? Those test results worry me. He sounds like a very bright kid who isn't able to perform to his standard. This is so frustrating FOR THE KID, as well as for those trying to help him. And yes, a bright kid will get sullen, defiant and misbehave, especially if people around him expect this to happen and begin to consider him to be naughty and disruptive. They feel bad about themselves and resent themselves for not being able to come up with the goods. So here's another direction to take, with husband - in this test you have empirical results. You can point to the scores and give a number. There is clearly a disparity - those numbers should be much more similar. With most of these tests, there should be similar results across the board, unless there is an underlying problem. A kid can't get a false high result, but he CAN get a false low. The test is designed so this is unlikely to happen by accident. The kids generally enjoy these tests, they're like games. They are highly motivated to do as well as possible. But difficult child couldn't do better than this? It's not his vocabulary that let him down - he understands the questions. He's bright, he has the language skills and communication skills. So what went wrong? Can husband explain this? Does he have any ideas? Because if there is something wrong with difficult child, he needs it discovered NOW so he won't fall too far behind. With support and finding out what this problem is so he can get around it, difficult child can pick up the pace and become anything he wants to be - a doctor, a lawyer, an airline pilot. But if he can't resolve whatever is interfering with his ability to listen (and it could be as simple as a subtle hearing problem, or frequency discrimination problem) then difficult child is going to head in a very different direction. At this point, don't say anything to husband about what you think his (husband's) problems are. This is attacking, and husband will HAVE to defend himself, probably by increasingly denying that the problem exists; or that it's a problem at all. That is not what you want. Right now, your focus has to be difficult child. Don't try to fix husband at the same time. Maybe later, if he ever accepts the connection... (hey, at least he knows he's difficult child's real father!) husband is right when he says that when he concentrates on something, REALLY puts his mind to it, he can narrow his focus down. This is a typical adaptation coping skill in someone who is bright but has ADHD. You're born with this condition, it's just one of those things, but you adapt as you get older. If you get support, you adapt with tuition. If you're floundering (as husband would have been) you work things out for yourself. You end up managing, coping. Would he have done better in life with support? Almost certainly. But it's almost too late to intervene, with an adult. They become too set in their ways and their own personal management strategies. I was born with poor eyesight. I never realised how bad my eyesight was and because I found ways to cope, it took a school eye test to identify the problem. When I got my first pair of glasses I realised how much I had been struggling, but I also began to REALLY do well. Before then I had been using colour to see my way, which meant I couldn't get around in the gloom and dark. I had also been clumsy. So I could have been accidentally diagnosed with Vitamin A deficiency and poor gross motor skills. Instead, I was merely short-sighted. Similarly, don't hammer on about ADHD to husband. He's not an expert (although he's probably more of an expert than he realises!) and neither are you. Let an expert assess. What is concerning you is what you see - he has a listening problem which is seriously hampering his ability to reach his potential at school. In the meantime, to help difficult child cope - when you talk to him, make sure you have eye contact. Reduce distractions when you need him to pay attention - this means turn the TV down or off, turn background volume down or off, unless it is masking other sounds such as traffic noise outside. Keep the lighting comfortably bright, not too dim and certainly not glaring. Make sure his clothing is comfortable - I had to remove manufacturing labels from difficult child 1's clothing because it itched the back of his neck. I've known some kids who wear their clothes inside out because that way the seams aren't rubbing. make sure he isn't hungry, thirsty or needing to go to the toilet. And treat husband the same way. Focus on their qualities and abilities. Boost their self-esteem, constantly but appropriately. Like, don't say, "You're the most handsome person I've ever seen" because we live in a world with Pierce Brosnan and Brad Pitt. But boost the things they are good at - "husband, I do like you you can really focus on something important you're working on, and get to the source of the problem." or "difficult child, you have a lovely smile and I love your hugs." (or swap, depending on the situation). I love you needs to be said often. But only if you can mean it at the time you say it. You need answers. difficult child has a clearly identified problem. It needs further assessment to identify the underlying cause, which could be physical. Don't talk to husband about any other possibilities. And hopefully you'll be able to help difficult child enough to make some changes for him. One day, if husband is looking proudly at his son achieving well and says, "He's a chip off the old block," you can smile and say, "More than you know, husband." Marg [/QUOTE]
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