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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 749216" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome ckay87! I love the avatar you picked.</p><p></p><p>Your story is a familiar one around here. I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>Your son is 23 and should not be relying on you. From what you shared, you have obviously tried to help your son but he is not doing his part. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. I think you have crossed the line into enabling. You have made it too easy for your son to do nothing. Trust, me I've been there!</p><p></p><p></p><p>I hope you are not giving your son money. How is he able to buy pot, beer and cigarettes? </p><p>I absolutely would not allow anyone to smoke pot in my home and if they put a cigarette out on my furniture, they would never be welcome in my home again. </p><p>Your son clearly has no regard for you or your home. </p><p></p><p></p><p>You have given your son plenty of notice of your impending move. My guess is, he's not taking any of this serious because he's got it made living under your roof and since you told him you would help him financially, he's most likely looking at that thinking you will always be there.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Good! This is your out. Don't change the date.</p><p></p><p></p><p>There is no need for you to back out. Here's my suggestion. Remind your son that you are moving out in 2 months and it would be better for him if he got things lined up for himself. Remind him that he's 23 years old, an adult and as an adult he should not be relying on his mother to take care of him. </p><p>If you are still willing to assist him financially make sure you have clear boundaries about what that is. When we tell our adult children we'll help them financially, what they hear is "I will foot the bill for your life, you will never have to get a job" This is why boundaries are vital. </p><p>Let's say you are willing to pay his first months rent, what you tell him is this "I will pay for one months rent and that's it. Do not call me asking for more money for rent, food, clothes, or anything else. You are an adult and must learn how to take care of yourself. I love you and know that you are capable"</p><p>Setting boundaries are only as good as keep them. No means No. </p><p>If you tell your son No and then cave in, you have sent the message to him that you can be manipulated and manipulate he will.</p><p></p><p>Of course the choice is yours in how you ultimately decide to deal with your son. We can only do what we can live with. I've been at this for as many years as your son is old. My son is 37 and still difficult.</p><p></p><p>One thing I do know for sure, the longer we enable the worse we make it for them and for us. It's much better that they start learning how to navigate life on their own sooner rather than later. </p><p></p><p>Move on with your plans, live your life the very best you can and do not feel guilty because your son's life is a mess. He made choices to make it a mess, you didn't.</p><p></p><p>Please let us know how things are going.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 749216, member: 18516"] Welcome ckay87! I love the avatar you picked. Your story is a familiar one around here. I'm glad you found us. Your son is 23 and should not be relying on you. From what you shared, you have obviously tried to help your son but he is not doing his part. There is a fine line between helping and enabling. I think you have crossed the line into enabling. You have made it too easy for your son to do nothing. Trust, me I've been there! I hope you are not giving your son money. How is he able to buy pot, beer and cigarettes? I absolutely would not allow anyone to smoke pot in my home and if they put a cigarette out on my furniture, they would never be welcome in my home again. Your son clearly has no regard for you or your home. You have given your son plenty of notice of your impending move. My guess is, he's not taking any of this serious because he's got it made living under your roof and since you told him you would help him financially, he's most likely looking at that thinking you will always be there. Good! This is your out. Don't change the date. There is no need for you to back out. Here's my suggestion. Remind your son that you are moving out in 2 months and it would be better for him if he got things lined up for himself. Remind him that he's 23 years old, an adult and as an adult he should not be relying on his mother to take care of him. If you are still willing to assist him financially make sure you have clear boundaries about what that is. When we tell our adult children we'll help them financially, what they hear is "I will foot the bill for your life, you will never have to get a job" This is why boundaries are vital. Let's say you are willing to pay his first months rent, what you tell him is this "I will pay for one months rent and that's it. Do not call me asking for more money for rent, food, clothes, or anything else. You are an adult and must learn how to take care of yourself. I love you and know that you are capable" Setting boundaries are only as good as keep them. No means No. If you tell your son No and then cave in, you have sent the message to him that you can be manipulated and manipulate he will. Of course the choice is yours in how you ultimately decide to deal with your son. We can only do what we can live with. I've been at this for as many years as your son is old. My son is 37 and still difficult. One thing I do know for sure, the longer we enable the worse we make it for them and for us. It's much better that they start learning how to navigate life on their own sooner rather than later. Move on with your plans, live your life the very best you can and do not feel guilty because your son's life is a mess. He made choices to make it a mess, you didn't. Please let us know how things are going. ((HUGS)) [/QUOTE]
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