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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 355347" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Definitely inform the school about her inappropriate use of chat and internet. Your home monitoring is clearly catching most of her activities. But schools are generally far more lax. Kids at school collectively are more effective at beating a school's internet blocking. I remember at our local school where I used to run an after-hours class, some of the kids got onto the class computer and actually showed me the stuff they'd downloaded - it was shocking! Similar to the stuff you describe. And this was the equivalent of an elementary school, the oldest of these kids was 11. These kids were Grade 5, it was in their Grade 5 classroom. I politely observed, said nothing then next day went to the school to report what I had seen, to the technology teacher.</p><p></p><p>So in this case - definitely let the school know.</p><p></p><p>Where did your daughter learn about such things? How did she learn about such things? If your net nanny is as effective as it seems, then it wasn't at home. THAT is what I would want to know.</p><p></p><p>As for the horrible things she's saying about you - they are so off the wall they don't seem believable. I doubt either of the girls who chatted to her, really believe it.</p><p></p><p>BUT - a big concern here. This girl sounds very familiar to me. I've 'met' her before, in the form of a classmate of easy child 2/difficult child 2's when they were in Grade 7. This girl, S, attached herself to easy child 2/difficult child 2 and her group of friends. Because easy child 2/difficult child 2 is more loyal than she should be and felt sorry for S, easy child 2/difficult child 2 soon found her other friends avoiding her because of S.</p><p>Interesting point here - S had a younger brother who was autistic. S's brother was quite profoundly autistic, although I did wonder if he could have done better with some intervention.</p><p></p><p>S's mother had given up. She didn't try to control her daughter in any way. She let the boy roam the house doing whatever he wanted. he was fascinated with white powdery stuff and would find whatever it was in the pantry or cupboards and pour it all over the table. Mum would get up in the morning and find the table covered with coconut, salt, sugar, flour, talcum powder. He would scream if she tried to clean it up so she left it. She also left the potty, often full, in the living room. He was about 10 years old.</p><p></p><p>S was a big problem. I didn't realise it the first time we invited her to stay over for a weekend. Boy, was it rough! Tantrums, very childish ones, when it was time to go home. She had to go home because we'd previously arranged to go visit family in hospital, we'd planned it into the schedule and arranged at the beginning of the weekend for her mother to collect her at that time. Mum turned up, daughter threw a tantrum. WE were the ones who had to be politely firm, Mum wanted S to be allowed to come with us after all. </p><p></p><p>I used to think that S's behaviour problems were due to poor parenting. But I've since seen the possible connection to having another child in the family with autism. I do wonder if there was a sort of "missed" autism in the badly behaved sibling. Girls do express Asperger's differently.</p><p></p><p>Where this worried me - S would lie. A lot. Badly. Really bad, obvious lies that anyone could catch her out on. But she could be really inventive in trying to perpetuate the lie, and that is NOT typical of autism. S told the girls at school that her boyfriend was X, the member of a popular US-based teen pop group at the time. Similar to a girl today saying her boyfriend is Robert Pattinson. Of course the girls all said, "Yeah, whatever..." and walked away. But she said, "I can prove it. He wrote me a love letter."</p><p>So next day she brought to school a letter clearly written on note paper the other girls had seen as belonging to her (pink with hearts on it) and written with a gold glittery pen the girls knew she owned. The letter was written in handwriting easy child 2/difficult child 2 recognised as S's, and signed with what looked very much like X's signature - but S had a pop group poster on the wall complete with (printed on) signatures. She declared X had hand-delivered the letter and they'd made love all night. Meanwhile the radio, TV and magazine gossip columns are all talking about where X was (in the US) and whether their group would tour Australia. No way would he pop in incognito to Sydney to see an infatuated 13 yo girl!</p><p></p><p>The lies were very detailed (not typical of Asperger's) but so very easy to unravel (more typical). But her investment in the lies - she obviously had made them up herself, but desperately seemed to need to believe in them and to be believed.</p><p></p><p>S dropped out of school before she turned 14. I don't know how she slid past the truant officers. She was pregnant before she was 15. I bump into S's mother from time to time (when I don't see her coming first and manage to duck into a side alley) and so I keep abreast with family events. The autistic son was removed from the home and has done a lot better academically since. Mum gets to see him occasionally but doesn't really care. Very sad - she never knew what her son was capable of, she never helped him in any way and so he never had the therapy he needed.</p><p>S had her baby. Moved in with a guy for a while, who was about 50. left him to move back home when she was about 16. Last I heard - S is living with someone else, has left her baby (now 10 years old) with her mother. Mum is having a lovely time playing dress-ups with her granddaughter.</p><p></p><p>Mum also used to want to dump S on us so she could go away with whichever guy she had picked up that weekend. She never had the same guy for long. She conned me a few times into taking the kids, including times when I had clearly said "No, I can't, I'm too ill." And I had meant it. Mum turned up anyway, even when I said "I'm bedridden, and my husband has a sprained ankle." And it was true. She turned up, she saw it was true, and she STILL tried to leave her kids with us (including the out of control autistic son).</p><p></p><p>I strongly suspect S had been sexually abused, maybe repeatedly, by various boyfriends of her mother's. S was a beautiful girl, very sensual good looks (without any need to enhance them by dressing tarty). She really was a very adult-looking young girl. And her mother did not supervise at all.</p><p></p><p>I look back on all this, Someday, and now I wonder if perhaps I've been too hard on S's mum. Maybe there wasn't anything more she could have done. S sounds so much like your daughter, it is scary.</p><p></p><p>I do still wonder, though, about the roll-on effect genetically of autism in the family. It presents differently in girls and if that is mixed with past sexual abuse, it could account for her obsession with matters sexual now. Kids on the spectrum can become very obsessive about certain topics. If sex happens to be what her obsession has been tuned into (thanks to past abuse) then not only is she a very damaged girl, but she is in big trouble and needs perhaps more than psychiatry can give.</p><p></p><p>On the possible plus side - when I've met S's mother, she tells me how well Si is doing. She's gone back to school and is working towards getting her diploma. having a child gave her a sense of responsibility, someone else she had to learn to care for. Yes, she was too young, but she was never going to make anything of herself until she had to learn to care for someone else.</p><p></p><p>But then - I'm hearing this only from S's mother, who I know to be a liar.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if you can find any information of use in this story, I hope you can. We managed to extricate ourselves from S and her family, it really did a lot of damage to easy child 2/difficult child 2 socially. So I don't know much more detail. But maybe something in there rings a bell for you, can give you the end of a ball of thread in the maze and help you follow it to a bit more light.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 355347, member: 1991"] Definitely inform the school about her inappropriate use of chat and internet. Your home monitoring is clearly catching most of her activities. But schools are generally far more lax. Kids at school collectively are more effective at beating a school's internet blocking. I remember at our local school where I used to run an after-hours class, some of the kids got onto the class computer and actually showed me the stuff they'd downloaded - it was shocking! Similar to the stuff you describe. And this was the equivalent of an elementary school, the oldest of these kids was 11. These kids were Grade 5, it was in their Grade 5 classroom. I politely observed, said nothing then next day went to the school to report what I had seen, to the technology teacher. So in this case - definitely let the school know. Where did your daughter learn about such things? How did she learn about such things? If your net nanny is as effective as it seems, then it wasn't at home. THAT is what I would want to know. As for the horrible things she's saying about you - they are so off the wall they don't seem believable. I doubt either of the girls who chatted to her, really believe it. BUT - a big concern here. This girl sounds very familiar to me. I've 'met' her before, in the form of a classmate of easy child 2/difficult child 2's when they were in Grade 7. This girl, S, attached herself to easy child 2/difficult child 2 and her group of friends. Because easy child 2/difficult child 2 is more loyal than she should be and felt sorry for S, easy child 2/difficult child 2 soon found her other friends avoiding her because of S. Interesting point here - S had a younger brother who was autistic. S's brother was quite profoundly autistic, although I did wonder if he could have done better with some intervention. S's mother had given up. She didn't try to control her daughter in any way. She let the boy roam the house doing whatever he wanted. he was fascinated with white powdery stuff and would find whatever it was in the pantry or cupboards and pour it all over the table. Mum would get up in the morning and find the table covered with coconut, salt, sugar, flour, talcum powder. He would scream if she tried to clean it up so she left it. She also left the potty, often full, in the living room. He was about 10 years old. S was a big problem. I didn't realise it the first time we invited her to stay over for a weekend. Boy, was it rough! Tantrums, very childish ones, when it was time to go home. She had to go home because we'd previously arranged to go visit family in hospital, we'd planned it into the schedule and arranged at the beginning of the weekend for her mother to collect her at that time. Mum turned up, daughter threw a tantrum. WE were the ones who had to be politely firm, Mum wanted S to be allowed to come with us after all. I used to think that S's behaviour problems were due to poor parenting. But I've since seen the possible connection to having another child in the family with autism. I do wonder if there was a sort of "missed" autism in the badly behaved sibling. Girls do express Asperger's differently. Where this worried me - S would lie. A lot. Badly. Really bad, obvious lies that anyone could catch her out on. But she could be really inventive in trying to perpetuate the lie, and that is NOT typical of autism. S told the girls at school that her boyfriend was X, the member of a popular US-based teen pop group at the time. Similar to a girl today saying her boyfriend is Robert Pattinson. Of course the girls all said, "Yeah, whatever..." and walked away. But she said, "I can prove it. He wrote me a love letter." So next day she brought to school a letter clearly written on note paper the other girls had seen as belonging to her (pink with hearts on it) and written with a gold glittery pen the girls knew she owned. The letter was written in handwriting easy child 2/difficult child 2 recognised as S's, and signed with what looked very much like X's signature - but S had a pop group poster on the wall complete with (printed on) signatures. She declared X had hand-delivered the letter and they'd made love all night. Meanwhile the radio, TV and magazine gossip columns are all talking about where X was (in the US) and whether their group would tour Australia. No way would he pop in incognito to Sydney to see an infatuated 13 yo girl! The lies were very detailed (not typical of Asperger's) but so very easy to unravel (more typical). But her investment in the lies - she obviously had made them up herself, but desperately seemed to need to believe in them and to be believed. S dropped out of school before she turned 14. I don't know how she slid past the truant officers. She was pregnant before she was 15. I bump into S's mother from time to time (when I don't see her coming first and manage to duck into a side alley) and so I keep abreast with family events. The autistic son was removed from the home and has done a lot better academically since. Mum gets to see him occasionally but doesn't really care. Very sad - she never knew what her son was capable of, she never helped him in any way and so he never had the therapy he needed. S had her baby. Moved in with a guy for a while, who was about 50. left him to move back home when she was about 16. Last I heard - S is living with someone else, has left her baby (now 10 years old) with her mother. Mum is having a lovely time playing dress-ups with her granddaughter. Mum also used to want to dump S on us so she could go away with whichever guy she had picked up that weekend. She never had the same guy for long. She conned me a few times into taking the kids, including times when I had clearly said "No, I can't, I'm too ill." And I had meant it. Mum turned up anyway, even when I said "I'm bedridden, and my husband has a sprained ankle." And it was true. She turned up, she saw it was true, and she STILL tried to leave her kids with us (including the out of control autistic son). I strongly suspect S had been sexually abused, maybe repeatedly, by various boyfriends of her mother's. S was a beautiful girl, very sensual good looks (without any need to enhance them by dressing tarty). She really was a very adult-looking young girl. And her mother did not supervise at all. I look back on all this, Someday, and now I wonder if perhaps I've been too hard on S's mum. Maybe there wasn't anything more she could have done. S sounds so much like your daughter, it is scary. I do still wonder, though, about the roll-on effect genetically of autism in the family. It presents differently in girls and if that is mixed with past sexual abuse, it could account for her obsession with matters sexual now. Kids on the spectrum can become very obsessive about certain topics. If sex happens to be what her obsession has been tuned into (thanks to past abuse) then not only is she a very damaged girl, but she is in big trouble and needs perhaps more than psychiatry can give. On the possible plus side - when I've met S's mother, she tells me how well Si is doing. She's gone back to school and is working towards getting her diploma. having a child gave her a sense of responsibility, someone else she had to learn to care for. Yes, she was too young, but she was never going to make anything of herself until she had to learn to care for someone else. But then - I'm hearing this only from S's mother, who I know to be a liar. I don't know if you can find any information of use in this story, I hope you can. We managed to extricate ourselves from S and her family, it really did a lot of damage to easy child 2/difficult child 2 socially. So I don't know much more detail. But maybe something in there rings a bell for you, can give you the end of a ball of thread in the maze and help you follow it to a bit more light. Marg [/QUOTE]
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