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I'm new and really, really in need of advice...
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<blockquote data-quote="someday" data-source="post: 355371"><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: darkslateblue">Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I did a little research on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) years ago, shortly after adoption. Her therapist didn't see any significant symptoms at that time. She appeared to be adjusting well at that point. She was much younger and we were possibly in our "honeymoon" phase. There was so much positive attention on her and we were very naive (first time parents) that we excused and explained away a great deal of her lies and behaviors. Her personality had not matured, too. I do think Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) could still be a possibility. I need to read up on it again. Her therapist has worked with CPS (we call it DSS) for years and does have experience with adopted/foster kids. We haven't seen her in a couple of years though because my daughter was doing well. Honestly, I think we overlooked a lot in those early years looking back. And during that time our son was being diagnosed and it took(takes) a tremendous amount of energy to get him on track (I could go on for years explaining this part...I'm sure you understand though) and he was very ill physically for years and hospitalized several times. </span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">I do think she sees us as her parents based on the fact that she very seldom brings up the bios (no contact, our choice because of their mental intstability, drug use, etc. - I just don't know how a child would trust us as parents if we had visitation with the people that abused and neglected them. So many do have visists and it baffles me, that's another topic...sorry.) When she does talk about them it's always negative (I listen without chiming in too much, tell her that they are HER feelings and she's entitled to feel however and that her feelings might change and to let me know if she changes her mind about needing to see them.) I never really know what she's thinking or feeling though and I will keep my eyes open in regards to how she might not see us as her parents. </span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">I am very concerned about her saying something that will be reported to DSS and I have moderate concerns that she would call them herself. Do you have any experience in this? Is there anything we can do to protect ourselves? I honestly think she said those things about me for shock value. She had been picking at the girl and then trying to get her to engage in discussion about boys, etc. and the girl just didn't want to go there. Who knows.</span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">In regards to your questions:</span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">1. Yes, there is a huge history of mental illness and drug addiction on both sides. Especially, the maternal side. Bio. mom is my 1st cousin, my mom and her dad are siblings. I hardly knew that side of the family, so I don't have a ton of details. I'm pretty sure that when the kids were taken the bio. mom was diagnosed with bipolar. I do wish I had the details! Also, her mother, mother's siblings (except for one sister) and both parents were mentally ill. It's possible that she drank during pregnancy though I'm not aware of that being the case and DSS did not document it. I will definitely do some research on this.</span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">2. DSS provided us nothing on the children's early development. The family information I know is very limited. I did obtain her school records (not very detailed I gotta say) and she had mild behavior problems and slight learning delays. Nothing too out of the ordinary for a kindergartener and her first experience with school. She did repeat kindergarten. She did great in first and second grade and the problems have increased gradually from there. I think almost all of her teachers over the years have treated her with "kid gloves". They let things slide that they wouldn't have if it had been another student. </span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">3. Yes, it was the school that did the evaluations. She's a very smart girl and has the ability to score well on testing if she chooses. She was on a 9th grade reading level at the beginning of 2nd grade. She typically has pretty good control over her behavior and has only had the few public "slip ups" so she wasn't tested extensively for psychiatric problems. The things she does publically are all things that could easily be explained as typical or minor. I honestly don't think it's Autism/Asperger's but I don't want to miss anything. I have had this thought before. I have a wonderful Neuropsychologist that diagnosed our son. I'll call him next week. </span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">4. She is very charming to everyone (me and hubby included) when she chooses. I would say around 98% of the time she conducts herself as the perfect child. She doesn't scream, yell or hit...except for that 2% of the time that slips through. Normally, her behavior comes out through back-handed comments, notes, emails/IM's, etc. or she'll do something to punish us. Like, all the lipsticks in my purse will be broken and smooshed without any evidence of it even being opened. The front door will somehow be unlocked and left wide open in the middle of the night. Dolls and toys will be dismembered and put in the closet. Her brother will cry out in pain and when I run to see what happened he won't speak and has red marks on his face or arms or legs. Bread, chips and other unopened food in the pantry will be smooshed and holes poked in it. There is always, always one cheese nip in the kitchen floor beside the snack cabinet. I pick it up several times a day. I ask her to pick it up (though she will never claim dropping it) and it ALWAYS comes back! If I don't buy cheese nips it will be something else. I could go on and on and on and on. It is maddening. If I don't catch her in the act how can I hold her accountable for such? That is what she'll remind me. I know it sounds trivial, most days I pick the dang cheese nip up and never let on, but it is straight up manipulation. Any way I go she has caused me to change my course and possibly gotten me upset in the process. All day long every day, little things that aren't done openly. If I get mad I might slam a door, yell or cry to make myself heard (or just to hear myself), call my mama and vent or even write a letter TO the person that I'm upset with. I would welcome any of the above from my daughter. Sorry, back to answering your questions. Eye contact is fairly normal. Sometimes in public she'll stand behind me, my hubby or my mom and make a strange or scared face (odd). She looks at you when conversating though. If she's offended she'll glare a hole straight through you! She does have issues with hygiene. She doesn't use toilet paper. If I mention that "gee, it's been a while since I put toilet paper in your bathroom, let me get you some...) to kinda give her a hint that it's obvious that she's not using it, she'll use the whole couple of rolls in a few hours. Same with soap, shampoo and her acne medication that we got from the dermatologist. She'll swear she's washing her hair, etc. but the shampoo will sit at the same level for weeks and we could fry chicken in her hair it's so greasy. I've tried everything. You'd think that at 14 1/2 y.o. she'd care about her appearance. It certainly doesn't affect her self-esteem. She flirts with young and old alike. She refuses to wear make up or do anything with her hair and yet she carries herself like a runway model (and guys take notice). Yes, she does like to burn things on lamps and light bulbs, etc. She was 13 y.o. before we could let her have a desk lamp. She has hit and kicked our dogs repeatedly. Usually when she thought she was alone. Our dogs are big (and sweet) so she hasn't hurt them badly.</span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">5. 99% (I've learned never to say never) sure she's not using drugs or drinking. Mainly because we have such a structured and scheduled enviornment. Mainly to help our son (and us) though partly because she has problems maintaining friendships. Also, when she was 12 she went to the 9 y.o. neighbor's birthday party, she went to 3rd base with a 14 y.o. boy she didn't know. When everyone went to cut the cake and do the presents our daughter slips off with the boy to the inflatable jump house. The birthday girl's mom caught them. We told her she was too young for boyfriend and she just does what she wants and tells him to come visit her at my mom's house a couple of weekends later (with-o permission). The boy was so embarassed and wouldn't take her calls after. I found that she was trying to call or text him several times a day. Phone privelages have been few and far between.</span></span></span></em></p><p></p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">I'm going to talk to husband and set her up with-a Neuropsychologist. </span></span></span></em></p><p> </p><p><em><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #483d8b">Thank you for everything! Especially putting up with my ranting! </span></span></span></em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="someday, post: 355371"] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=darkslateblue]Thank you so much for your reply. Yes, I did a little research on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) years ago, shortly after adoption. Her therapist didn't see any significant symptoms at that time. She appeared to be adjusting well at that point. She was much younger and we were possibly in our "honeymoon" phase. There was so much positive attention on her and we were very naive (first time parents) that we excused and explained away a great deal of her lies and behaviors. Her personality had not matured, too. I do think Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) could still be a possibility. I need to read up on it again. Her therapist has worked with CPS (we call it DSS) for years and does have experience with adopted/foster kids. We haven't seen her in a couple of years though because my daughter was doing well. Honestly, I think we overlooked a lot in those early years looking back. And during that time our son was being diagnosed and it took(takes) a tremendous amount of energy to get him on track (I could go on for years explaining this part...I'm sure you understand though) and he was very ill physically for years and hospitalized several times. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]I do think she sees us as her parents based on the fact that she very seldom brings up the bios (no contact, our choice because of their mental intstability, drug use, etc. - I just don't know how a child would trust us as parents if we had visitation with the people that abused and neglected them. So many do have visists and it baffles me, that's another topic...sorry.) When she does talk about them it's always negative (I listen without chiming in too much, tell her that they are HER feelings and she's entitled to feel however and that her feelings might change and to let me know if she changes her mind about needing to see them.) I never really know what she's thinking or feeling though and I will keep my eyes open in regards to how she might not see us as her parents. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]I am very concerned about her saying something that will be reported to DSS and I have moderate concerns that she would call them herself. Do you have any experience in this? Is there anything we can do to protect ourselves? I honestly think she said those things about me for shock value. She had been picking at the girl and then trying to get her to engage in discussion about boys, etc. and the girl just didn't want to go there. Who knows.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]In regards to your questions:[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]1. Yes, there is a huge history of mental illness and drug addiction on both sides. Especially, the maternal side. Bio. mom is my 1st cousin, my mom and her dad are siblings. I hardly knew that side of the family, so I don't have a ton of details. I'm pretty sure that when the kids were taken the bio. mom was diagnosed with bipolar. I do wish I had the details! Also, her mother, mother's siblings (except for one sister) and both parents were mentally ill. It's possible that she drank during pregnancy though I'm not aware of that being the case and DSS did not document it. I will definitely do some research on this.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]2. DSS provided us nothing on the children's early development. The family information I know is very limited. I did obtain her school records (not very detailed I gotta say) and she had mild behavior problems and slight learning delays. Nothing too out of the ordinary for a kindergartener and her first experience with school. She did repeat kindergarten. She did great in first and second grade and the problems have increased gradually from there. I think almost all of her teachers over the years have treated her with "kid gloves". They let things slide that they wouldn't have if it had been another student. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]3. Yes, it was the school that did the evaluations. She's a very smart girl and has the ability to score well on testing if she chooses. She was on a 9th grade reading level at the beginning of 2nd grade. She typically has pretty good control over her behavior and has only had the few public "slip ups" so she wasn't tested extensively for psychiatric problems. The things she does publically are all things that could easily be explained as typical or minor. I honestly don't think it's Autism/Asperger's but I don't want to miss anything. I have had this thought before. I have a wonderful Neuropsychologist that diagnosed our son. I'll call him next week. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]4. She is very charming to everyone (me and hubby included) when she chooses. I would say around 98% of the time she conducts herself as the perfect child. She doesn't scream, yell or hit...except for that 2% of the time that slips through. Normally, her behavior comes out through back-handed comments, notes, emails/IM's, etc. or she'll do something to punish us. Like, all the lipsticks in my purse will be broken and smooshed without any evidence of it even being opened. The front door will somehow be unlocked and left wide open in the middle of the night. Dolls and toys will be dismembered and put in the closet. Her brother will cry out in pain and when I run to see what happened he won't speak and has red marks on his face or arms or legs. Bread, chips and other unopened food in the pantry will be smooshed and holes poked in it. There is always, always one cheese nip in the kitchen floor beside the snack cabinet. I pick it up several times a day. I ask her to pick it up (though she will never claim dropping it) and it ALWAYS comes back! If I don't buy cheese nips it will be something else. I could go on and on and on and on. It is maddening. If I don't catch her in the act how can I hold her accountable for such? That is what she'll remind me. I know it sounds trivial, most days I pick the dang cheese nip up and never let on, but it is straight up manipulation. Any way I go she has caused me to change my course and possibly gotten me upset in the process. All day long every day, little things that aren't done openly. If I get mad I might slam a door, yell or cry to make myself heard (or just to hear myself), call my mama and vent or even write a letter TO the person that I'm upset with. I would welcome any of the above from my daughter. Sorry, back to answering your questions. Eye contact is fairly normal. Sometimes in public she'll stand behind me, my hubby or my mom and make a strange or scared face (odd). She looks at you when conversating though. If she's offended she'll glare a hole straight through you! She does have issues with hygiene. She doesn't use toilet paper. If I mention that "gee, it's been a while since I put toilet paper in your bathroom, let me get you some...) to kinda give her a hint that it's obvious that she's not using it, she'll use the whole couple of rolls in a few hours. Same with soap, shampoo and her acne medication that we got from the dermatologist. She'll swear she's washing her hair, etc. but the shampoo will sit at the same level for weeks and we could fry chicken in her hair it's so greasy. I've tried everything. You'd think that at 14 1/2 y.o. she'd care about her appearance. It certainly doesn't affect her self-esteem. She flirts with young and old alike. She refuses to wear make up or do anything with her hair and yet she carries herself like a runway model (and guys take notice). Yes, she does like to burn things on lamps and light bulbs, etc. She was 13 y.o. before we could let her have a desk lamp. She has hit and kicked our dogs repeatedly. Usually when she thought she was alone. Our dogs are big (and sweet) so she hasn't hurt them badly.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]5. 99% (I've learned never to say never) sure she's not using drugs or drinking. Mainly because we have such a structured and scheduled enviornment. Mainly to help our son (and us) though partly because she has problems maintaining friendships. Also, when she was 12 she went to the 9 y.o. neighbor's birthday party, she went to 3rd base with a 14 y.o. boy she didn't know. When everyone went to cut the cake and do the presents our daughter slips off with the boy to the inflatable jump house. The birthday girl's mom caught them. We told her she was too young for boyfriend and she just does what she wants and tells him to come visit her at my mom's house a couple of weekends later (with-o permission). The boy was so embarassed and wouldn't take her calls after. I found that she was trying to call or text him several times a day. Phone privelages have been few and far between.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]I'm going to talk to husband and set her up with-a Neuropsychologist. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [I][FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=3][COLOR=#483d8b]Thank you for everything! Especially putting up with my ranting! [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/I] [/QUOTE]
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