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I'm new and really, really in need of advice...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 355412" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Although she may have Aspergers (typically these kids have lots of problems) it is unlikely to be her only one. in my opinion this isn't because of her parents not teaching her right, not completely, although that would not help. It's probably because she was neglected as an infant and toddler and she developed attachment issues so common in adopted kids. Being uprooted from her only family, whether they were good or bad parents, is jarring to a child and they often "talk the talk" but don't "think as they talk." Example:</p><p></p><p>Hub and I adopted a six year old from Hong Kong who was happy to call us Mom and Dad from the start and almost never asked about his biological parents or talked about the people he left behind. Now he is 32 and we haven't seen him in six years. In a very real way, he doesn't and never did think of us as "Mom" and "Dad" with the same strong attachement and belief that other kids do...kids who are born to their parents or those adopted as infants. Even those adopted as infant, who never discuss it, almost always have birthfamily issues in their minds. If they feel you don't want them to discuss it, they won't. If they are angry, they often surpress it. I adopted six kids. Two are no longer here. We learned the hard way.</p><p></p><p>Kids with attachment problems are often AFRAID of love and DON'T WANT it and reject it. Therefore they reject what you say and tell them to do. Our six year old from Hong Kong (now 32) was brilliant (IS brilliant) and behaved himself almost too much. But he said many times, before he married and left us for good, that "You had nothing to do with how I turned out. I was already formed at six years old." I heard another adoptee, a friend of mine, say the same about her parents. "They didn't form my personality. I didn't go to them until I was seven." </p><p></p><p>I loved my son with all my heart, but I clearly loved and was attached to him far more than he was attached to me. He now has a son that I will never see. He has contacted his birthmother and birthsiblings in Hong Kong. That doesn't bother me, but never seeing him does bother me. I wish I had gone into attachment therapy with him when he had first come, but I was thinking that a good home life and love would be enough. It was not enough for him. He married a Chinese woman and is very into his Chinese heritage, traveling three times to China already (he is a young millionaire...this is true). He joined a church that is 100% different from how we believe and his church tells him that his family is God's family. I believe he thinks we are all heathens, which is one reason he so easily detached.</p><p></p><p>I'm not telling you this to discourage you because it doesn't always turn out this way. I'm telling you because these older adopted kids are NOT the same one-issue kids as those who are born to us or who we raise from infancy. It's way different. You need to look at these children from many angles. Your girl MAY or may not have Aspergers, but, if she does, it is unlikely the only reason she behaves as she does and most likely just treating the Aspergers won't be enough. </p><p></p><p>We always got neuropsychologist evaluations for our older adopted kids. Unfortunately, these kids can be foolers and so hard to diagnose. The only one they were able to pin down was my now sixteen year old who came to us at two. Fortunately, he does NOT have attachment issues. That may be due to the fact that he went straight to his foster family at his birth and WAS nurtured. When he came to us, he trusted adults and caregivers and was able to attach, unlike the three other kids we adopted at much older ages.</p><p></p><p>We do not give up easily. It was for the safety of our younger kids that we gave up at all. We had to keep them safe...and, on a lesser level, we also had to keep our pets safe and this kid killed our dogs. </p><p></p><p>You may want to join a real life adoptive parent group. Your child is behaving like a typical child adopted older. It is very rare that it is not a very rocky road. There is probably a possibility that your daughter was exposed to alcohol and drugs in utero as well, causing physical issues as well.</p><p></p><p>I wish you luck. Remember, there are no easy solutions or answers and this is not your fault. You inherited her issues. You did not cause them.</p><p></p><p>I have book suggestions for you:</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not-Enough-Parenting/dp/0970352549/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272121650&sr=1-1" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not-Enough-Parenting/dp/0970352549/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272121650&sr=1-1</a></p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trust-Rebuilding-Reactive-Attachment/dp/0944634559/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272121650&sr=1-12" target="_blank">http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trust-Rebuilding-Reactive-Attachment/dp/0944634559/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272121650&sr=1-12</a></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 355412, member: 1550"] Although she may have Aspergers (typically these kids have lots of problems) it is unlikely to be her only one. in my opinion this isn't because of her parents not teaching her right, not completely, although that would not help. It's probably because she was neglected as an infant and toddler and she developed attachment issues so common in adopted kids. Being uprooted from her only family, whether they were good or bad parents, is jarring to a child and they often "talk the talk" but don't "think as they talk." Example: Hub and I adopted a six year old from Hong Kong who was happy to call us Mom and Dad from the start and almost never asked about his biological parents or talked about the people he left behind. Now he is 32 and we haven't seen him in six years. In a very real way, he doesn't and never did think of us as "Mom" and "Dad" with the same strong attachement and belief that other kids do...kids who are born to their parents or those adopted as infants. Even those adopted as infant, who never discuss it, almost always have birthfamily issues in their minds. If they feel you don't want them to discuss it, they won't. If they are angry, they often surpress it. I adopted six kids. Two are no longer here. We learned the hard way. Kids with attachment problems are often AFRAID of love and DON'T WANT it and reject it. Therefore they reject what you say and tell them to do. Our six year old from Hong Kong (now 32) was brilliant (IS brilliant) and behaved himself almost too much. But he said many times, before he married and left us for good, that "You had nothing to do with how I turned out. I was already formed at six years old." I heard another adoptee, a friend of mine, say the same about her parents. "They didn't form my personality. I didn't go to them until I was seven." I loved my son with all my heart, but I clearly loved and was attached to him far more than he was attached to me. He now has a son that I will never see. He has contacted his birthmother and birthsiblings in Hong Kong. That doesn't bother me, but never seeing him does bother me. I wish I had gone into attachment therapy with him when he had first come, but I was thinking that a good home life and love would be enough. It was not enough for him. He married a Chinese woman and is very into his Chinese heritage, traveling three times to China already (he is a young millionaire...this is true). He joined a church that is 100% different from how we believe and his church tells him that his family is God's family. I believe he thinks we are all heathens, which is one reason he so easily detached. I'm not telling you this to discourage you because it doesn't always turn out this way. I'm telling you because these older adopted kids are NOT the same one-issue kids as those who are born to us or who we raise from infancy. It's way different. You need to look at these children from many angles. Your girl MAY or may not have Aspergers, but, if she does, it is unlikely the only reason she behaves as she does and most likely just treating the Aspergers won't be enough. We always got neuropsychologist evaluations for our older adopted kids. Unfortunately, these kids can be foolers and so hard to diagnose. The only one they were able to pin down was my now sixteen year old who came to us at two. Fortunately, he does NOT have attachment issues. That may be due to the fact that he went straight to his foster family at his birth and WAS nurtured. When he came to us, he trusted adults and caregivers and was able to attach, unlike the three other kids we adopted at much older ages. We do not give up easily. It was for the safety of our younger kids that we gave up at all. We had to keep them safe...and, on a lesser level, we also had to keep our pets safe and this kid killed our dogs. You may want to join a real life adoptive parent group. Your child is behaving like a typical child adopted older. It is very rare that it is not a very rocky road. There is probably a possibility that your daughter was exposed to alcohol and drugs in utero as well, causing physical issues as well. I wish you luck. Remember, there are no easy solutions or answers and this is not your fault. You inherited her issues. You did not cause them. I have book suggestions for you: [url]http://www.amazon.com/When-Love-Not-Enough-Parenting/dp/0970352549/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272121650&sr=1-1[/url] [url]http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Trust-Rebuilding-Reactive-Attachment/dp/0944634559/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272121650&sr=1-12[/url] [/QUOTE]
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