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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 366448" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Hi, sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Your son's story sounds eerily similar to my difficult child 1's. I would suggest that you work closely with your family therapist to help you learn to detach (i.e. let your son take responsibility for his own decisions, and not let yourself be emotionally hijacked) and to help you decide on the boundaries to set with your son. I assume that he is over 18 and probably over 21. You don't owe him a place to stay and you have the right to establish house rules that will protect your home and peace of mind. For example, you can stipulate that he may not use drugs while at home under penalty of immediate eviction, and require him to get regular drug testing. If he is selling drugs from your home, you could stand to lose your home. You can require him to get a job by a certain date or find another place to live. You can discontinue funding him and require him to pay rent. I would suggest that you work with your therapist to make a list of rules that you and husband agree with and will back up. One caveat - don't make any rule that you aren't willing to back up. Make a Plan B for what you will do when he breaks a rule, because he almost </p><p>certainly will. </p><p></p><p>Once you have a list, make a contract and have him sign it. This was a turning point in our relationship with our son; it was the first time I think he ever took us seriously.</p><p></p><p>Given that your son has stolen from you since arriving home, you will unfortunately have to keep your wallet and medications (and small, easily saleable valuables) locked up as long as he's in the house. You may want to consider not leaving him alone in the house, getting an alarm system, and changing the locks. I'm sorry to sound so negative but he will steal again. We had to go through this too. You can make it clear to him that any disappearance of cash, medications, or other items will automatically be attributed to him. If you are prepared to follow through, tell him you will call police if anything disappears. </p><p></p><p>You do not have to accept blame for giving your son medications. You took the best medical advice you could get at the time and did the best you could for him. His current drug use may damage his brain, but a short period of antidepressant therapy is not responsible for any of his behaviors. His accusations (our son has blamed us in the same way) are an attempt to shrug off responsibility for his own actions.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I'm sorry if my advice sounds negative. Unfortunately, when someone is using drugs he or she will lie, steal, and blame everyone else. We tried giving second chances and hoping for the best, but taking action was the only thing that helped. If there's an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon chapter in your area, I would also suggest you contact them. They are a great help. Best wishes, Katya</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 366448, member: 2884"] Hi, sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Your son's story sounds eerily similar to my difficult child 1's. I would suggest that you work closely with your family therapist to help you learn to detach (i.e. let your son take responsibility for his own decisions, and not let yourself be emotionally hijacked) and to help you decide on the boundaries to set with your son. I assume that he is over 18 and probably over 21. You don't owe him a place to stay and you have the right to establish house rules that will protect your home and peace of mind. For example, you can stipulate that he may not use drugs while at home under penalty of immediate eviction, and require him to get regular drug testing. If he is selling drugs from your home, you could stand to lose your home. You can require him to get a job by a certain date or find another place to live. You can discontinue funding him and require him to pay rent. I would suggest that you work with your therapist to make a list of rules that you and husband agree with and will back up. One caveat - don't make any rule that you aren't willing to back up. Make a Plan B for what you will do when he breaks a rule, because he almost certainly will. Once you have a list, make a contract and have him sign it. This was a turning point in our relationship with our son; it was the first time I think he ever took us seriously. Given that your son has stolen from you since arriving home, you will unfortunately have to keep your wallet and medications (and small, easily saleable valuables) locked up as long as he's in the house. You may want to consider not leaving him alone in the house, getting an alarm system, and changing the locks. I'm sorry to sound so negative but he will steal again. We had to go through this too. You can make it clear to him that any disappearance of cash, medications, or other items will automatically be attributed to him. If you are prepared to follow through, tell him you will call police if anything disappears. You do not have to accept blame for giving your son medications. You took the best medical advice you could get at the time and did the best you could for him. His current drug use may damage his brain, but a short period of antidepressant therapy is not responsible for any of his behaviors. His accusations (our son has blamed us in the same way) are an attempt to shrug off responsibility for his own actions. I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I'm sorry if my advice sounds negative. Unfortunately, when someone is using drugs he or she will lie, steal, and blame everyone else. We tried giving second chances and hoping for the best, but taking action was the only thing that helped. If there's an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon chapter in your area, I would also suggest you contact them. They are a great help. Best wishes, Katya [/QUOTE]
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