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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 366615" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Welcome! I am so sorry it has to be under these circumstances.</p><p></p><p>You are doing a lot of the right things. Don't let him split you and husband up, that united front is crucial. Don't believe him. Period. You are NOT speaking to your son. You are speaking to an addict. ALL that he truly cares about is his next fix. I have had many recovering addicts tell me this.</p><p></p><p>Whatever he admits to is just a tiny portion of what he does. It is another universal truth of addiction. They admit to a tiny portion of what they are abusing because it makes you think you know everything.</p><p></p><p>I assume you are paying for his car insurance. With his tolerance of alcohol he is most certainly driving under the influence most of the time. I would take him off of the insurance and never ever let him use the car. He can walk, take a bus, or get a friend to give him a ride. If he MUST have wheels get him a used bicycle. Be sure you keep the car keys locked up. If he takes a car with-o permission under any circumstance then you need to call the police and report the car as stolen. </p><p></p><p>If you continue to let him drive, even insured, he is going to have an accident. Most likely someone else will be seriously hurt. Drunk people are usually very relaxed and they are usually not hurt anywhere near as badly as their victims. As you are paying his insurance and he is on YOUR policy, and driving YOUR vehicles, it is very likely that YOU will be sued for his accident. Lawsuits go after the deepest possible pockets. Your ins co may cover you for this or they may say that his driving drunk violates the policy and then not cover the accident. You will almost certainly be dropped as a client and finding new insurance will be VERY expensive. If the injured party can prove that you knew he had an alcohol problem and you continued to let him drive they can win even more money from you. </p><p></p><p>You and your husband NEED al anon or narc anon. It will be a life and sanity saver for you. If you go to a meeting and don't feel it is right for you, go to a few other meetings. Each meeting has its own feel and some will fit you better than others. It is worth the time to find the right ones. When you look at meeting schedules you will see some are open and some are closed. An open meeting is one anyone can attend. Closed meetings are only for those who have a friend or relative who is and addict. I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure that out when I first looked at meeting schedules.</p><p></p><p>Put locks on doors to any room you do not want him to go in and to hide things in. He will likely have stashes in several places around the house. Addicts are very creative. When my Gpa died we found over 100 bottles and flasks of liquor in his 2 bedroom house. He even had a bottle hidden in the engine compartment of his riding lawn mower!! Make sure the doors are sturdy and that you use a key lock instead of one of those flimsy locks with the button in the doorknob. </p><p></p><p>Keep small gadgets and electronic items put away. They are too easy to pawn or sell when he needs $$ for a fix. Ditto for any small valuable items. Make sure that your other child has a sturdy lock on her door. If she still lives at home make sure she goes to al anon also. If she doesn't live at home it would still help her.</p><p></p><p>Is he getting good grades or is he spending more time partying than studying? It may be time for you to stop paying for his education until he gets himself clean. He is NOT going to stop abusing drugs and alcohol until he hits bottom. That is often far lower than any family member could even dream of. </p><p></p><p>He needs to pay rent and his own expenses. Paying all his expenses and his tuition would be one thing if he was studying hard and getting good grades and staying out of trouble. As it is, you are likely throwing good money away as he is destroying brain cells faster than he is learning stuff. By paying for his schooling and expenses he has no real reason to stop partying. It is easy for him to party. He has a nice place to sleep, plenty of food at home, the utilities are all paid for, he even has nice clothes I bet. </p><p></p><p>If you saw a friend who's child was doing what your son is doing, what would you tell her to do? Would you advise her to let her son use her car? To pay all of his expenses? To let him come and go as he pleased at home?</p><p></p><p>I know this is incredibly hard. You have worked hard to give your children a good life. You have always treated the kids fairly equally. You paid for your daughter's education and expenses while she was in school. Not paying for your son's feels like you love him less, like you favor her. It is not the case. You will be giving each child what they have earned through their behavior and performance. If anything it shows you truly love your son because you want to do all you can to help him conquer his demons.</p><p></p><p>This is only advice. You are free to use any of it that will help you and to ignore any of it that you cannot handle or that is wrong for the situation. We all know you can only cope with so much at any one time. </p><p></p><p>Telling his therapist about the adderall abuse is a very good thing. Katya was right about the doctor being able to listen to you but not being able to tell you anything. I know a few parents who have even taken pictures of their addict to local ERs and urgent care clinics to spread the word that they would come in for drugs to abuse. Not sure it would work well in a large city, but our area is small enough that it was somewhat effective.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever seen the show "Intervention" on A&E? It is available for viewing at <a href="http://www.aetv.com" target="_blank">www.aetv.com</a> and it might help you see what other families have gone through and might make you feel less alone. </p><p></p><p>{{{{{hugs}}}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 366615, member: 1233"] Welcome! I am so sorry it has to be under these circumstances. You are doing a lot of the right things. Don't let him split you and husband up, that united front is crucial. Don't believe him. Period. You are NOT speaking to your son. You are speaking to an addict. ALL that he truly cares about is his next fix. I have had many recovering addicts tell me this. Whatever he admits to is just a tiny portion of what he does. It is another universal truth of addiction. They admit to a tiny portion of what they are abusing because it makes you think you know everything. I assume you are paying for his car insurance. With his tolerance of alcohol he is most certainly driving under the influence most of the time. I would take him off of the insurance and never ever let him use the car. He can walk, take a bus, or get a friend to give him a ride. If he MUST have wheels get him a used bicycle. Be sure you keep the car keys locked up. If he takes a car with-o permission under any circumstance then you need to call the police and report the car as stolen. If you continue to let him drive, even insured, he is going to have an accident. Most likely someone else will be seriously hurt. Drunk people are usually very relaxed and they are usually not hurt anywhere near as badly as their victims. As you are paying his insurance and he is on YOUR policy, and driving YOUR vehicles, it is very likely that YOU will be sued for his accident. Lawsuits go after the deepest possible pockets. Your ins co may cover you for this or they may say that his driving drunk violates the policy and then not cover the accident. You will almost certainly be dropped as a client and finding new insurance will be VERY expensive. If the injured party can prove that you knew he had an alcohol problem and you continued to let him drive they can win even more money from you. You and your husband NEED al anon or narc anon. It will be a life and sanity saver for you. If you go to a meeting and don't feel it is right for you, go to a few other meetings. Each meeting has its own feel and some will fit you better than others. It is worth the time to find the right ones. When you look at meeting schedules you will see some are open and some are closed. An open meeting is one anyone can attend. Closed meetings are only for those who have a friend or relative who is and addict. I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure that out when I first looked at meeting schedules. Put locks on doors to any room you do not want him to go in and to hide things in. He will likely have stashes in several places around the house. Addicts are very creative. When my Gpa died we found over 100 bottles and flasks of liquor in his 2 bedroom house. He even had a bottle hidden in the engine compartment of his riding lawn mower!! Make sure the doors are sturdy and that you use a key lock instead of one of those flimsy locks with the button in the doorknob. Keep small gadgets and electronic items put away. They are too easy to pawn or sell when he needs $$ for a fix. Ditto for any small valuable items. Make sure that your other child has a sturdy lock on her door. If she still lives at home make sure she goes to al anon also. If she doesn't live at home it would still help her. Is he getting good grades or is he spending more time partying than studying? It may be time for you to stop paying for his education until he gets himself clean. He is NOT going to stop abusing drugs and alcohol until he hits bottom. That is often far lower than any family member could even dream of. He needs to pay rent and his own expenses. Paying all his expenses and his tuition would be one thing if he was studying hard and getting good grades and staying out of trouble. As it is, you are likely throwing good money away as he is destroying brain cells faster than he is learning stuff. By paying for his schooling and expenses he has no real reason to stop partying. It is easy for him to party. He has a nice place to sleep, plenty of food at home, the utilities are all paid for, he even has nice clothes I bet. If you saw a friend who's child was doing what your son is doing, what would you tell her to do? Would you advise her to let her son use her car? To pay all of his expenses? To let him come and go as he pleased at home? I know this is incredibly hard. You have worked hard to give your children a good life. You have always treated the kids fairly equally. You paid for your daughter's education and expenses while she was in school. Not paying for your son's feels like you love him less, like you favor her. It is not the case. You will be giving each child what they have earned through their behavior and performance. If anything it shows you truly love your son because you want to do all you can to help him conquer his demons. This is only advice. You are free to use any of it that will help you and to ignore any of it that you cannot handle or that is wrong for the situation. We all know you can only cope with so much at any one time. Telling his therapist about the adderall abuse is a very good thing. Katya was right about the doctor being able to listen to you but not being able to tell you anything. I know a few parents who have even taken pictures of their addict to local ERs and urgent care clinics to spread the word that they would come in for drugs to abuse. Not sure it would work well in a large city, but our area is small enough that it was somewhat effective. Have you ever seen the show "Intervention" on A&E? It is available for viewing at [url]www.aetv.com[/url] and it might help you see what other families have gone through and might make you feel less alone. {{{{{hugs}}}}} [/QUOTE]
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