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I'm so discouraged...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 304882" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Trish - </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I want you to go back....and try this simple lesson that I was given when I first started to learn the fine art of allowing myself to allow my son become independent. Go back and read the post that you wrote to us about your sons morning and your sons interview and your son's day. And highlight ANYTHING that starts or reads I wanted, I tried, I helped, I made, I did, I wrote, I got, I ....then read get out another color and highlight all the statements that read MY SON - wanted, My son Tried, My son Helped, My son made, My son Did, My son wrote, My son got.....</p><p> </p><p>then ask yourself how it is possible for a man of any year to grow up if YOU are living both your life and his life for him vicariously. </p><p> </p><p>The fact is - </p><p> </p><p>He can't, He won't, He'll never, He isn't, He'll stop - </p><p> </p><p>And yes, I cried too, because I felt no one would understand that IF I DID NOT DO IT FOR HIM - it would never get done.....and he would fail - over and over...and over, and it would make MY LIFE - harder and harder and harder. </p><p> </p><p>But yesterday - for one of the first times in my sons life - and mine - I got a call and a short visit. Not an all together pleasant one because he had to sell his car to keep himself out of jail and that in itself presents a whole new batch of problems - but their HIS problems to work out and if he's got his own problems to work out? I think it will keep him occupied with solving things and hopefully out of trouble. And so I pray....hard....and I bit my lip when he came in the house and said: </p><p> </p><p>I have probation on Monday: </p><p>(usually this means - can I borrow cash)</p><p>I have decided this means to me - NOPE -you have a month to help yourself to raking lawns, doing menial chores, washing my car - and you've done NOTHING - go to jail. I'm done helping. He's also supposed to start back to school. The twist here was that I have done and said NOTHING for two months to help/advise/or attach myself to the problem in any way. </p><p>What I heard instead was: </p><p>I have a test to see where I will be in the class on Monday and then I have to go to probation - I have $150 from selling my car put back- and I will pay you back $150 on Friday. (I nearly fainted) I am not holding my breath, but it was a gigantic baby step in the right direction. </p><p> </p><p>I spent the rest of the day - pondering ----IF I had said to him a week or so ago - "I'll help you get your probation money. or Have you registered for school? or How did the deal go with selling your car?" or helped in ANY way I wonder how it all would have worked out?" And don't think for a minute that I have not been sick wondering if he's going to jail, getting ripped off for the car deal he made, thinking he's not smart enough to do all of this on his own and needed me to help...or guide him. But at what point do you let go and say "Okay - fly." </p><p> </p><p>I've been less than cordial to be around. On one hand I want to FIX things and tell everyone - HE'S NOT ABLE to do this himself....he's got problems, Don't take advantage of him....if you do I'll split your kiester...and so on and so on.....and we live out in the middle of no where too. Jobs here are harder to come by and our state is 3rd in the US for unemployment AND Dude is a convicted felon - with no car - and no education....so yeah I know it's hard. But how much harder I was asked is it going to be - when he's 20 and his Mom is doing ALL of this FOR him and he is clueless? How hard is it going to be when he can't get himself up for work? How hard is it going to be when he can't pack his own lunch? </p><p> </p><p>I'm not pointing T - I'm asking because I had been pointed at and harshly by a therapist that just laid it on the line and was backed up by my fiance who was put out on his own by his parents at a very early age....(mostly because he himself was an alcoholic and extreme difficult child) so there was no mercy there either. </p><p> </p><p>It's hard on a Mom - we're natural born fixers. But this is one of those things - you have to figure out where to let your kids become adults and fix themselves. And it hurts.....wow does it hurt. Especially since you've spent a lifetime defending them from the world. </p><p> </p><p>I'm sending huge hugs.....but seriously - go back and do the exercise - of the I wants - it's and eye opener. Was for me. Hugs</p><p>Star</p><p> </p><p>Oh and by the way - Dude was Little Lord Fauntleroy for a LONG time....<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 304882, member: 4964"] Trish - I want you to go back....and try this simple lesson that I was given when I first started to learn the fine art of allowing myself to allow my son become independent. Go back and read the post that you wrote to us about your sons morning and your sons interview and your son's day. And highlight ANYTHING that starts or reads I wanted, I tried, I helped, I made, I did, I wrote, I got, I ....then read get out another color and highlight all the statements that read MY SON - wanted, My son Tried, My son Helped, My son made, My son Did, My son wrote, My son got..... then ask yourself how it is possible for a man of any year to grow up if YOU are living both your life and his life for him vicariously. The fact is - He can't, He won't, He'll never, He isn't, He'll stop - And yes, I cried too, because I felt no one would understand that IF I DID NOT DO IT FOR HIM - it would never get done.....and he would fail - over and over...and over, and it would make MY LIFE - harder and harder and harder. But yesterday - for one of the first times in my sons life - and mine - I got a call and a short visit. Not an all together pleasant one because he had to sell his car to keep himself out of jail and that in itself presents a whole new batch of problems - but their HIS problems to work out and if he's got his own problems to work out? I think it will keep him occupied with solving things and hopefully out of trouble. And so I pray....hard....and I bit my lip when he came in the house and said: I have probation on Monday: (usually this means - can I borrow cash) I have decided this means to me - NOPE -you have a month to help yourself to raking lawns, doing menial chores, washing my car - and you've done NOTHING - go to jail. I'm done helping. He's also supposed to start back to school. The twist here was that I have done and said NOTHING for two months to help/advise/or attach myself to the problem in any way. What I heard instead was: I have a test to see where I will be in the class on Monday and then I have to go to probation - I have $150 from selling my car put back- and I will pay you back $150 on Friday. (I nearly fainted) I am not holding my breath, but it was a gigantic baby step in the right direction. I spent the rest of the day - pondering ----IF I had said to him a week or so ago - "I'll help you get your probation money. or Have you registered for school? or How did the deal go with selling your car?" or helped in ANY way I wonder how it all would have worked out?" And don't think for a minute that I have not been sick wondering if he's going to jail, getting ripped off for the car deal he made, thinking he's not smart enough to do all of this on his own and needed me to help...or guide him. But at what point do you let go and say "Okay - fly." I've been less than cordial to be around. On one hand I want to FIX things and tell everyone - HE'S NOT ABLE to do this himself....he's got problems, Don't take advantage of him....if you do I'll split your kiester...and so on and so on.....and we live out in the middle of no where too. Jobs here are harder to come by and our state is 3rd in the US for unemployment AND Dude is a convicted felon - with no car - and no education....so yeah I know it's hard. But how much harder I was asked is it going to be - when he's 20 and his Mom is doing ALL of this FOR him and he is clueless? How hard is it going to be when he can't get himself up for work? How hard is it going to be when he can't pack his own lunch? I'm not pointing T - I'm asking because I had been pointed at and harshly by a therapist that just laid it on the line and was backed up by my fiance who was put out on his own by his parents at a very early age....(mostly because he himself was an alcoholic and extreme difficult child) so there was no mercy there either. It's hard on a Mom - we're natural born fixers. But this is one of those things - you have to figure out where to let your kids become adults and fix themselves. And it hurts.....wow does it hurt. Especially since you've spent a lifetime defending them from the world. I'm sending huge hugs.....but seriously - go back and do the exercise - of the I wants - it's and eye opener. Was for me. Hugs Star Oh and by the way - Dude was Little Lord Fauntleroy for a LONG time....:raspberry-tounge: [/QUOTE]
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