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I'm so torn and so sad
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678377" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Sooz. Every single one of us could say this about ourselves, true or not.</p><p></p><p>Who wants to raise a child who ends up with problems? So what do we do? We blame ourselves. Stop.</p><p>And now that there are problems, had you been a laissez faire and disorganized parent you would be blaming yourself for that.</p><p></p><p>The first thing that needs to happen is cut the self-blame. It gets in the way. This is a no fault, no blame situation. It is what it is. There is a situation that needs a response. That is all. Neutrality.</p><p></p><p>Your task now is to determine what will be the response. You have gotten excellent ideas here about money, car, control in the home, etc. That you are going to therapy is great. That you are telling the truth, all of it, to your dear husband, great.</p><p></p><p>And others have focused on the key: he is responsible for his actions and their consequences. He needs to experience the consequences of his choices, in order to learn.</p><p></p><p>You control you and your home. Curtail, control and cut off any aspect of his environment where you have taken responsibility. If you want that he continue to live with you, set up rules and obligations that you want, and that you will enforce one hundred percent. These may include that he be treatment and medication compliant. If he does not adhere to your rules, he leaves.</p><p></p><p>Many of us believe that it is not the best option that our children live with us, for them or us. Think about discussing a plan that he become independent, with that expectation.</p><p></p><p>If you believe him to be seriously disabled to the extent that he cannot work, encourage him to apply for SSI for mental illness (if you are here in the States.)The Department of Rehabilitation works with disabled adults to help them work.They also can pay for training. With my own son I had the expectation that he work or engage in some kind of productive and constructive activity. When he would not, he had to leave.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Insane, report every theft, dangerous behavior including threats of self-harm to the police.</p><p></p><p>Now that you and husband are communicating fully, now is the time to decide what rules you want, and want are your expectations of son. Are there drugs and alcohol use involved? Could there be?</p><p></p><p>We will be here with you every step of the way. We are glad you found us. Keep posting on as many threads as you have time for. It really helps. None of this is your fault. Really. All of us, each of us has been in the same place. You will feel better. Very soon. You have begun. The hard part is over. You are not alone. Not one bit.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678377, member: 18958"] Hi Sooz. Every single one of us could say this about ourselves, true or not. Who wants to raise a child who ends up with problems? So what do we do? We blame ourselves. Stop. And now that there are problems, had you been a laissez faire and disorganized parent you would be blaming yourself for that. The first thing that needs to happen is cut the self-blame. It gets in the way. This is a no fault, no blame situation. It is what it is. There is a situation that needs a response. That is all. Neutrality. Your task now is to determine what will be the response. You have gotten excellent ideas here about money, car, control in the home, etc. That you are going to therapy is great. That you are telling the truth, all of it, to your dear husband, great. And others have focused on the key: he is responsible for his actions and their consequences. He needs to experience the consequences of his choices, in order to learn. You control you and your home. Curtail, control and cut off any aspect of his environment where you have taken responsibility. If you want that he continue to live with you, set up rules and obligations that you want, and that you will enforce one hundred percent. These may include that he be treatment and medication compliant. If he does not adhere to your rules, he leaves. Many of us believe that it is not the best option that our children live with us, for them or us. Think about discussing a plan that he become independent, with that expectation. If you believe him to be seriously disabled to the extent that he cannot work, encourage him to apply for SSI for mental illness (if you are here in the States.)The Department of Rehabilitation works with disabled adults to help them work.They also can pay for training. With my own son I had the expectation that he work or engage in some kind of productive and constructive activity. When he would not, he had to leave. I agree with Insane, report every theft, dangerous behavior including threats of self-harm to the police. Now that you and husband are communicating fully, now is the time to decide what rules you want, and want are your expectations of son. Are there drugs and alcohol use involved? Could there be? We will be here with you every step of the way. We are glad you found us. Keep posting on as many threads as you have time for. It really helps. None of this is your fault. Really. All of us, each of us has been in the same place. You will feel better. Very soon. You have begun. The hard part is over. You are not alone. Not one bit. COPA [/QUOTE]
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