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I'm so torn and so sad
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 678415" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with Tanya about the consequences. The consequences to my way of thinking must be determined by your husband and yourself, and in advance and clearly told to your son, in response to the breaking of clearly stated and agreed upon rules. </p><p></p><p>The consequences that are decided upon should be ones that you will absolutely be able to deliver. If you fear you will be unable to follow through on the decided consequence, choose another one that you can adhere to. That is what I think.</p><p></p><p>I would not let son nor would I let the therapist decide upon consequences.</p><p></p><p>I would not let anybody but you and your husband decide on what you want, your rules, and what will happen if the rule is broken. You are the ones who decide if a rule has been broken. Nobody else. Your son must accept that.</p><p></p><p><em><strong>That is the hardest part</strong></em>. My son is always negating responsibility, and denying something happened. When in front of my face I can see it. There is a whole lot of lying going on. I enforce the consequence anyway. This is not a court of law. It is my house. And my life. Not just his.</p><p></p><p>M is far more flexible than I am. It is not that he is softer, but he is more giving, because he is less defended. M is seeing that my son is changing, so he wants to respond with "give." I can see the value in that. But I get sick. Physically sick. I just want the end of the problem.</p><p></p><p>Until I get over my anger and realize once again "the problem" is my child who I love.</p><p></p><p>That said, at the beginning of this, until they get the message that you mean business, and until you gain confidence that you will follow through, strict interpretations make sense. Like you would do with a very young child. Because in a sense they are like very young children. That is the problem. Part of it.</p><p></p><p>These young people with minds that still seem to be rooted in behaviors younger than their chronological age, will only learn by consequences. The consequences must be firmly their own to bear. Not yours, not mine.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 678415, member: 18958"] I agree with Tanya about the consequences. The consequences to my way of thinking must be determined by your husband and yourself, and in advance and clearly told to your son, in response to the breaking of clearly stated and agreed upon rules. The consequences that are decided upon should be ones that you will absolutely be able to deliver. If you fear you will be unable to follow through on the decided consequence, choose another one that you can adhere to. That is what I think. I would not let son nor would I let the therapist decide upon consequences. I would not let anybody but you and your husband decide on what you want, your rules, and what will happen if the rule is broken. You are the ones who decide if a rule has been broken. Nobody else. Your son must accept that. [I][B]That is the hardest part[/B][/I]. My son is always negating responsibility, and denying something happened. When in front of my face I can see it. There is a whole lot of lying going on. I enforce the consequence anyway. This is not a court of law. It is my house. And my life. Not just his. M is far more flexible than I am. It is not that he is softer, but he is more giving, because he is less defended. M is seeing that my son is changing, so he wants to respond with "give." I can see the value in that. But I get sick. Physically sick. I just want the end of the problem. Until I get over my anger and realize once again "the problem" is my child who I love. That said, at the beginning of this, until they get the message that you mean business, and until you gain confidence that you will follow through, strict interpretations make sense. Like you would do with a very young child. Because in a sense they are like very young children. That is the problem. Part of it. These young people with minds that still seem to be rooted in behaviors younger than their chronological age, will only learn by consequences. The consequences must be firmly their own to bear. Not yours, not mine. COPA [/QUOTE]
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