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I'm so very tired....
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 648384" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I understand. In every area of my life, until I met addiction, I could do things that would make a difference in the outcome. Not addiction. Doesn't work.</p><p></p><p>I am an action-oriented person. I own my own business, I exercise every day, I volunteer, I ask for what I want in life. I'm "out there." I make things happen. Not with addiction.</p><p></p><p>We've met our match here---we action-takers. Doesn't work. I tried it for years and year and years. If taking action would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If love would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If reasoning would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If kicking him out/seeing him homeless/allowing him to stay in jail/turning him away from the front door at 3 a.m. would have stopped it, it would be stopped. </p><p></p><p>What has changed things with him, I cannot know. </p><p></p><p>Here is what I "think": </p><p></p><p>His mother (me) getting out of the way consistently for a long long time. </p><p>Him getting older. </p><p>Him being scared to death in jail the last time that he was going to prison for four years. </p><p>???? Other factors I have no knowledge of.</p><p></p><p>My son seems to have changed somewhat today. At least, he is working and has an apartment. He is pretty much supporting himself. I say that because he is using food stamps and I did give him $90 for his electric bill last month. That is the second time i have helped him since late October when I paid the security deposit and $300/partial payment for his first month's rent. </p><p></p><p>It's not pretty. It's not all "fixed." There are still things that worry me, upset me, that I don't like. He lives with the girlfriend who was convicted of stabbing him last summer. Etc. </p><p></p><p>As others have said---what could you possibly have done/not done to cause this? I say you aren't that powerful. You didn't cause this. It is very likely a combination of genetics and choices. </p><p></p><p>My older son was raised in the same household and he has a Master's degree in Math and works as a professional Statistician. He is engaged to a Pharmacist and they will be married in August. He is a kind, caring, hard working person who takes responsibility and is on a very good path.</p><p></p><p>My younger son, I believe, has the genetics of addiction. His dad is a recovering alcoholic. His maternal great-grandmother was addicted to Demerol. My brother, his uncle, is a highly functioning alcoholic. His paternal grandfather was an alcoholic.</p><p></p><p>I also believe---if we made any contribution to this at all--his dad and I---mainly me---did too much for both of my sons. I made sure they played every sport, had every opportunity, were constantly talked to about the future, i.e., going to college, had part-time jobs, had responsibilities at home, had curfews, had to make good grades, etc. etc. But I was too vigilant. </p><p></p><p>Okay so what? I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. In Al-Anon we call those the three Cs. </p><p></p><p>We can sit all day and play woulda, shoulda, coulda. I believe the best response to that is: You're just not what powerful.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is powerful. And then, personal choice is personal choice. My difficult child has chosen much of his path. He has not chosen to get involved and seriously work a 12-step program. I believe that is the best course of longstanding success for most addicts. </p><p></p><p>But I can't be involved in that--if it is to be, it will be because he chooses it. I've said it all to him over the years, 1000 times.</p><p></p><p>Hangin there. Perhaps this can be a turning point for your son. I sincerely hope so. Warm hugs. P.S. You can't fix this. I wish you could.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 648384, member: 17542"] I understand. In every area of my life, until I met addiction, I could do things that would make a difference in the outcome. Not addiction. Doesn't work. I am an action-oriented person. I own my own business, I exercise every day, I volunteer, I ask for what I want in life. I'm "out there." I make things happen. Not with addiction. We've met our match here---we action-takers. Doesn't work. I tried it for years and year and years. If taking action would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If love would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If reasoning would have stopped it, it would be stopped. If kicking him out/seeing him homeless/allowing him to stay in jail/turning him away from the front door at 3 a.m. would have stopped it, it would be stopped. What has changed things with him, I cannot know. Here is what I "think": His mother (me) getting out of the way consistently for a long long time. Him getting older. Him being scared to death in jail the last time that he was going to prison for four years. ???? Other factors I have no knowledge of. My son seems to have changed somewhat today. At least, he is working and has an apartment. He is pretty much supporting himself. I say that because he is using food stamps and I did give him $90 for his electric bill last month. That is the second time i have helped him since late October when I paid the security deposit and $300/partial payment for his first month's rent. It's not pretty. It's not all "fixed." There are still things that worry me, upset me, that I don't like. He lives with the girlfriend who was convicted of stabbing him last summer. Etc. As others have said---what could you possibly have done/not done to cause this? I say you aren't that powerful. You didn't cause this. It is very likely a combination of genetics and choices. My older son was raised in the same household and he has a Master's degree in Math and works as a professional Statistician. He is engaged to a Pharmacist and they will be married in August. He is a kind, caring, hard working person who takes responsibility and is on a very good path. My younger son, I believe, has the genetics of addiction. His dad is a recovering alcoholic. His maternal great-grandmother was addicted to Demerol. My brother, his uncle, is a highly functioning alcoholic. His paternal grandfather was an alcoholic. I also believe---if we made any contribution to this at all--his dad and I---mainly me---did too much for both of my sons. I made sure they played every sport, had every opportunity, were constantly talked to about the future, i.e., going to college, had part-time jobs, had responsibilities at home, had curfews, had to make good grades, etc. etc. But I was too vigilant. Okay so what? I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. In Al-Anon we call those the three Cs. We can sit all day and play woulda, shoulda, coulda. I believe the best response to that is: You're just not what powerful. Addiction is powerful. And then, personal choice is personal choice. My difficult child has chosen much of his path. He has not chosen to get involved and seriously work a 12-step program. I believe that is the best course of longstanding success for most addicts. But I can't be involved in that--if it is to be, it will be because he chooses it. I've said it all to him over the years, 1000 times. Hangin there. Perhaps this can be a turning point for your son. I sincerely hope so. Warm hugs. P.S. You can't fix this. I wish you could. [/QUOTE]
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