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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 154271" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi Steph. I hope you can find a good junior high placement for difficult child, it's not easy. I was talking to difficult child 3's friend's mother yesterday, her son is about 9 and they are already having to look around for possible high school placement (another two and a half years' time for him). He's milder with his autism than difficult child 3, but really having social problems now with other kids beating him up just for fun.</p><p></p><p>High school is not a nice place for a difficult child.</p><p></p><p>I'm wondering if she tells the other kids, partly to test them to see how they will react. if a kid is playing with her, being friendly, maybe she is thinking, "perhaps I can trust THIS person," only to find out that again she is let down.</p><p></p><p>She is going to keep telling them. So maybe a different tactic you could try, is to role-play with her a different way to react to the teasing. When another kid begins to make fun of her for not being able to read, difficult child needs to find a nonchalant, even humorous, way of responding. Regardless of how it makes her feel inside (and I do sympathise) she needs to make it look like she is taking their teasing in fun. Even if the kids really are trying to be mean, if he reacts with, "So what? You wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you, so what does that make you? Come on, let's go kick a ball around." Or "And you're so perfect? It's really no big deal, at least I'm getting tutoring for it. But you'll never be able to get tutoring to stop you from being so tall," or whatever.</p><p></p><p>The classic passive-aggressive way some people bully, is to say something hurtful and then when you get upset, they say, "Oh, but I was only joking."</p><p>I've found with people like that, you do the same back. Make a similarly 'smart' remark and immediately follow with, "I was only joking." Then if/when they still get upset, point out that you were giving them an example of how their behaviour makes YOU feel, so please can we now call a truce on both sides, and agree to be kind to one another?</p><p></p><p>I hated my early teen years. The years which correspond to junior high - they were horrible. I was bullied, I was bashed, teachers did nothing unless I personally complained (not easy, when between you and the teacher is a gang of young thugs wielding palings ripped off the fence and you KNOW the teacher can see what is happening).</p><p></p><p>The years corresponding to senior high/college - great. Some girls were still mean but I was able to avoid them or ignore them. And funny thing - it was only when attending school reunions that I found out that they didn't hate me or despise me as i thought. I intimidated them! ME! Purely because they thought I was smart. I didn't think I was that smart.</p><p></p><p>Perceptions are a funny thing. Being a teen is terrible, for many. We need to believe our kids when they tell us how miserable they feel - they really do. But we also need to work with them to help them find better ways to deal with what is going to be happening to them socially. I know difficult child 3 is going to say some inappropriate things. All I can do is help him interact as positively as possible, and to know when to give up on a conversation and walk away.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 did much the same thing. When he was in high school and was granted a disability pension in his own right at the age of 15, he was quite happy to tell other kids. Naturally this didn't go down too well with a lot of them. Some were jealous, because it's a lot of money (which we made sure got locked away in an investment account with two signatures needed to access it). Others saw it as a sign he was a total loser.</p><p></p><p>I ride around our village in one of those little old lady electric scooters. I've been tempted to put a "Born to be Mild" sticker on the back. I often get hassled by local thugs, often the same ones (or the older siblings) of the ones that attacked difficult child 3 and his friend. They are the same ones who bashed my hippie friend and left him unconscious and bleeding. But I respond to them with humour. I've been out after dark and met these kids who take one look and say, "Wow! Isn't that dinky little scooter thing cool! I want one! let's take it!"</p><p>I could be terrified and try to get away but I know I wouldn't make it. So I stand my ground and greet them as if they are my best friends' kids just making a joke. "You want one of these? Sure, it can be arranged. But you have to have the disability to go along with it. I supposed that could be arranged as well..." and then I chat to them about how we have to charge it after each use, how awkward it is to park, how the darn thing doesn't like going up hills, how expensive the batteries are and what a pest it it that it goes so slowly. I ask about their bikes or skateboards of whatever they have. And by this time they are usually happy, relaxed and go on their way.</p><p></p><p>To them I probably seem relaxed and oblivious to any danger. Inside, my heart has been racing.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, it works for me. Being female helps. It's not often it's an advantage, so I'm happy to milk that advantage for all it's worth.</p><p></p><p>If you could help teach your daughter to respond to people in this way, she might be able to defuse some of the teasing before it takes a strong hold. Those who are now in the habit of teasing - it may be too late for them. This works best only if you an nip it in the bud. But it's always worth a try.</p><p></p><p>Think - Crocodile Dundee, in the first film, when he gets to New York. He's relaxed, friendly, and not expecting any trouble. Therefore, he doesn't see it even when it's staring him in the face.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 154271, member: 1991"] Hi Steph. I hope you can find a good junior high placement for difficult child, it's not easy. I was talking to difficult child 3's friend's mother yesterday, her son is about 9 and they are already having to look around for possible high school placement (another two and a half years' time for him). He's milder with his autism than difficult child 3, but really having social problems now with other kids beating him up just for fun. High school is not a nice place for a difficult child. I'm wondering if she tells the other kids, partly to test them to see how they will react. if a kid is playing with her, being friendly, maybe she is thinking, "perhaps I can trust THIS person," only to find out that again she is let down. She is going to keep telling them. So maybe a different tactic you could try, is to role-play with her a different way to react to the teasing. When another kid begins to make fun of her for not being able to read, difficult child needs to find a nonchalant, even humorous, way of responding. Regardless of how it makes her feel inside (and I do sympathise) she needs to make it look like she is taking their teasing in fun. Even if the kids really are trying to be mean, if he reacts with, "So what? You wouldn't have known if I hadn't told you, so what does that make you? Come on, let's go kick a ball around." Or "And you're so perfect? It's really no big deal, at least I'm getting tutoring for it. But you'll never be able to get tutoring to stop you from being so tall," or whatever. The classic passive-aggressive way some people bully, is to say something hurtful and then when you get upset, they say, "Oh, but I was only joking." I've found with people like that, you do the same back. Make a similarly 'smart' remark and immediately follow with, "I was only joking." Then if/when they still get upset, point out that you were giving them an example of how their behaviour makes YOU feel, so please can we now call a truce on both sides, and agree to be kind to one another? I hated my early teen years. The years which correspond to junior high - they were horrible. I was bullied, I was bashed, teachers did nothing unless I personally complained (not easy, when between you and the teacher is a gang of young thugs wielding palings ripped off the fence and you KNOW the teacher can see what is happening). The years corresponding to senior high/college - great. Some girls were still mean but I was able to avoid them or ignore them. And funny thing - it was only when attending school reunions that I found out that they didn't hate me or despise me as i thought. I intimidated them! ME! Purely because they thought I was smart. I didn't think I was that smart. Perceptions are a funny thing. Being a teen is terrible, for many. We need to believe our kids when they tell us how miserable they feel - they really do. But we also need to work with them to help them find better ways to deal with what is going to be happening to them socially. I know difficult child 3 is going to say some inappropriate things. All I can do is help him interact as positively as possible, and to know when to give up on a conversation and walk away. difficult child 1 did much the same thing. When he was in high school and was granted a disability pension in his own right at the age of 15, he was quite happy to tell other kids. Naturally this didn't go down too well with a lot of them. Some were jealous, because it's a lot of money (which we made sure got locked away in an investment account with two signatures needed to access it). Others saw it as a sign he was a total loser. I ride around our village in one of those little old lady electric scooters. I've been tempted to put a "Born to be Mild" sticker on the back. I often get hassled by local thugs, often the same ones (or the older siblings) of the ones that attacked difficult child 3 and his friend. They are the same ones who bashed my hippie friend and left him unconscious and bleeding. But I respond to them with humour. I've been out after dark and met these kids who take one look and say, "Wow! Isn't that dinky little scooter thing cool! I want one! let's take it!" I could be terrified and try to get away but I know I wouldn't make it. So I stand my ground and greet them as if they are my best friends' kids just making a joke. "You want one of these? Sure, it can be arranged. But you have to have the disability to go along with it. I supposed that could be arranged as well..." and then I chat to them about how we have to charge it after each use, how awkward it is to park, how the darn thing doesn't like going up hills, how expensive the batteries are and what a pest it it that it goes so slowly. I ask about their bikes or skateboards of whatever they have. And by this time they are usually happy, relaxed and go on their way. To them I probably seem relaxed and oblivious to any danger. Inside, my heart has been racing. The thing is, it works for me. Being female helps. It's not often it's an advantage, so I'm happy to milk that advantage for all it's worth. If you could help teach your daughter to respond to people in this way, she might be able to defuse some of the teasing before it takes a strong hold. Those who are now in the habit of teasing - it may be too late for them. This works best only if you an nip it in the bud. But it's always worth a try. Think - Crocodile Dundee, in the first film, when he gets to New York. He's relaxed, friendly, and not expecting any trouble. Therefore, he doesn't see it even when it's staring him in the face. Marg [/QUOTE]
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