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I'm struggling with hate
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710452" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>These are very good questions, Miss June Bug. I had not gotten past my own abhorrence and rage...and the idea she needs to be stopped. To be honest I could see Ferb's motivation...and did not hold in my head long enough the damage that could be done.</p><p></p><p>You know I worked with male prisoners for many years. Many of these men were lifers. I always had to remind myself to not soak in their care or admiration...personally...and it was hard. Because the feelings I felt from them were intense and they were gratifying. I felt special and cared for. I felt unique. I felt a kind of power that I did not feel any other place. I always worked hard to not respond personally, either to feel it was personal about me, or to believe that there was anything personal between us besides my work. I set clear and firm boundaries, which I rigorously protected. But sometimes there was a relationship between two equals. I do not mean an improper one. I mean, a human relationship. When somebody was dying, for example.</p><p></p><p>The last time I did this work I quit after 3 months. I had changed. I could not and would not allow myself to feel anything good about myself...in this kind of unequal relationship.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I am saying is that I am not rationalizing what she is doing, not one bit. But on some level it does not matter what are her motivations. Her actions are wrong. People are motivated to do all kinds of things. But they do not. At the end of the day, they do not. This woman does not seem to be taking responsibility in any which way to limit either her voracious appetites. This is what makes her a predator. The rest of us may have desire, but we understand that what is offered or available is not there for our taking.</p><p> I do not think the fault is yours. I think your son knew you would have told his father, and he inadvertently set you up. The only thing I can see that you could have done differently is to have gone to Son and told him:<em> I told your father.</em> Or in the moment, <em>I have to share this with your father. </em>To have kept it from your husband would have been a triangulation which could have caused more damage to the family.</p><p> I see that, but is it reasonable?</p><p></p><p>I am curious to know what others think because I think you were in an impossibly difficult place. I do not see how you could have kept something so important secret from your husband.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710452, member: 18958"] These are very good questions, Miss June Bug. I had not gotten past my own abhorrence and rage...and the idea she needs to be stopped. To be honest I could see Ferb's motivation...and did not hold in my head long enough the damage that could be done. You know I worked with male prisoners for many years. Many of these men were lifers. I always had to remind myself to not soak in their care or admiration...personally...and it was hard. Because the feelings I felt from them were intense and they were gratifying. I felt special and cared for. I felt unique. I felt a kind of power that I did not feel any other place. I always worked hard to not respond personally, either to feel it was personal about me, or to believe that there was anything personal between us besides my work. I set clear and firm boundaries, which I rigorously protected. But sometimes there was a relationship between two equals. I do not mean an improper one. I mean, a human relationship. When somebody was dying, for example. The last time I did this work I quit after 3 months. I had changed. I could not and would not allow myself to feel anything good about myself...in this kind of unequal relationship. I guess what I am saying is that I am not rationalizing what she is doing, not one bit. But on some level it does not matter what are her motivations. Her actions are wrong. People are motivated to do all kinds of things. But they do not. At the end of the day, they do not. This woman does not seem to be taking responsibility in any which way to limit either her voracious appetites. This is what makes her a predator. The rest of us may have desire, but we understand that what is offered or available is not there for our taking. I do not think the fault is yours. I think your son knew you would have told his father, and he inadvertently set you up. The only thing I can see that you could have done differently is to have gone to Son and told him:[I] I told your father.[/I] Or in the moment, [I]I have to share this with your father. [/I]To have kept it from your husband would have been a triangulation which could have caused more damage to the family. I see that, but is it reasonable? I am curious to know what others think because I think you were in an impossibly difficult place. I do not see how you could have kept something so important secret from your husband. [/QUOTE]
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