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In Denial No More
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 593156" data-attributes="member: 15801"><p>Hi Sun,</p><p></p><p>I too have been there and done that.... you can certainly find the details of my story in various threads on this site so I wont go into all of it now. Yes to there probably being more drugs that you are aware of.</p><p></p><p>These are my thoughts based on my experience. Dont put yourself in the role of police... it doesnt work and just gets in the way of any kind of relationship. Avoid a power struggle over whether he is using or not using. You absolutely have no control over whether or not he uses drugs. Do be clear about your boundares around his behavior... so yes he needs to follow the rules of common decency in your house, including not bringing drugs into your home. If he is seriously using drugs chances are he will not be able to do this for very long. Do find an alanon group for parents, this has been an incredibly huge help in my own journey. Do let him know you are concerned and that you will support him when he wants help. Continue to let him know you love him. </p><p></p><p>If you do end up kicking him out... be prepared for that to be hard. Dont kick him out to teach him a lesson or to try making him stop using. It may not work and then what? Do kick him out if he is not following the rules and your home and life starts to feel like a war zone... then you are doing it for your own sanity and well being.</p><p></p><p>We had to kick my son out at the age of 18 and I do think ti was the right thing to do and the only thing we could do at the time. We have a younger daughter and we had to protect her from what was going on.... but it meant he has lived a lot of different places and more recenlty (now he is 21) spent some time literally homeless and on the streets. This was very hard on me as well as on him. He did finally go for help (again after many other times) and is now living in a sober house..... but I keep coming back to I have to let him know I love him and will support him in helping himself.... but i cannot control his drug use.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 593156, member: 15801"] Hi Sun, I too have been there and done that.... you can certainly find the details of my story in various threads on this site so I wont go into all of it now. Yes to there probably being more drugs that you are aware of. These are my thoughts based on my experience. Dont put yourself in the role of police... it doesnt work and just gets in the way of any kind of relationship. Avoid a power struggle over whether he is using or not using. You absolutely have no control over whether or not he uses drugs. Do be clear about your boundares around his behavior... so yes he needs to follow the rules of common decency in your house, including not bringing drugs into your home. If he is seriously using drugs chances are he will not be able to do this for very long. Do find an alanon group for parents, this has been an incredibly huge help in my own journey. Do let him know you are concerned and that you will support him when he wants help. Continue to let him know you love him. If you do end up kicking him out... be prepared for that to be hard. Dont kick him out to teach him a lesson or to try making him stop using. It may not work and then what? Do kick him out if he is not following the rules and your home and life starts to feel like a war zone... then you are doing it for your own sanity and well being. We had to kick my son out at the age of 18 and I do think ti was the right thing to do and the only thing we could do at the time. We have a younger daughter and we had to protect her from what was going on.... but it meant he has lived a lot of different places and more recenlty (now he is 21) spent some time literally homeless and on the streets. This was very hard on me as well as on him. He did finally go for help (again after many other times) and is now living in a sober house..... but I keep coming back to I have to let him know I love him and will support him in helping himself.... but i cannot control his drug use. TL [/QUOTE]
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