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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 691546" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Oh Pigless, I am so sorry you are going through this. You shine through your posts as a kind, funny, intelligent loving human being. You deserve someone who holds you in the highest regard, loves both your children equally and shares the load.</p><p>This is not what I am reading in your post and I am so sorry.</p><p>You deserve more, Pigless. Much, much more. There is something here that does not fit the profile of "basically a good man." We work hard to fulfill our end of a realtionship "for better or worse" overlooking idiosyncrasies and pet peeves, women are usually the peace makers, the forgivers. There are just some things that cannot be overlooked.</p><p> This is a big one. Especially at her age. She deserves to be cared for and cherished by the man in your life, a father figure. It will set the model and foundation for what she seeks in a man. This is a huge red flag.........he is a bully.</p><p> UGH. Controlling. No, no, no. Isolating, no, no, no. He is insecure. I see men who celebrate their SO's, cherish them and support their friendships, hobbies and endeavors. We are supposed to have<em> partners</em>, Pigless, not be lorded over. Partners. </p><p>I am the same as you, I do not fare well with anger, it turns my stomach. I seek peace.</p><p>Your SO knows this and is using it to bully and manipulate you.</p><p> Sabotage and secrecy. Unacceptable. He is not your partner, or your friend in this.</p><p> Pigless, I want to live on your farm, too and I haven't even seen it. I don't blame you for hanging on to this dream.</p><p></p><p>I am glad that you have been taking care of things, that you are financially sound without SO, you have established that, so it is not <em>finances</em> that would force you to hang on.</p><p>Your SO has <em>isolated you.</em> This is not fair, we all need relationships outside of our So's, a support base.</p><p>Isolation is intentional, so you feel trapped and stuck. I know this, because hubs was much the same way. Remnants of his upbringing. His father was abusive and controlling and I struggled with that dynamic that leached into our relationship. Hubs was a hardworking man, and I loved him dearly, but<em> I put up with a lot</em>, rationalizing that he was "basically a good man" <em>and he was</em>, who wrestled with the demons of a <em>horrible upbringing. </em>It was hard. We all have our faults and shortcomings. He attempted to isolate me, too, was jealous and suspicious at times. That hurt, I was faithful to the end. But, I lived my life, worked and contributed, cared for the kids and did what I had to do to take care of my need to have friends, hobbies and relationship with others. He was resentful at times. I asserted my right to live my life.</p><p>So, yes, I have experienced the attempt to isolate. The controlling and demand for immediate and complete attention. The anger. I shut it down. I was not going to live that way. It changed a bit, but it was mostly through my putting up the shield to fend it off. <em>That took a lot of energy.</em></p><p></p><p>You deserve more, Pigless. I remember a Dear Abbey column where a writer was woeful about her man's habits and ways. Abbey remarked that women stay in relationships thinking that things will change for the better.</p><p></p><p>I agree.</p><p></p><p>I am sure that though you feel alone now, you would be able to <em>build friendships. </em></p><p>You are self sufficient, self reliant, this is key.</p><p>You will be able to figure things out. Take the time you need to think, Pigless, this is your life.</p><p>No one should resent your need to think things through,<em> especially your SO.</em> This is very telling about him. He is probably worried that with enough time to consider and analyze your situation, without his controlling you, you would gather the strength to choose differently.</p><p></p><p>You, my friend deserve much better.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 691546, member: 19522"] Oh Pigless, I am so sorry you are going through this. You shine through your posts as a kind, funny, intelligent loving human being. You deserve someone who holds you in the highest regard, loves both your children equally and shares the load. This is not what I am reading in your post and I am so sorry. You deserve more, Pigless. Much, much more. There is something here that does not fit the profile of "basically a good man." We work hard to fulfill our end of a realtionship "for better or worse" overlooking idiosyncrasies and pet peeves, women are usually the peace makers, the forgivers. There are just some things that cannot be overlooked. This is a big one. Especially at her age. She deserves to be cared for and cherished by the man in your life, a father figure. It will set the model and foundation for what she seeks in a man. This is a huge red flag.........he is a bully. UGH. Controlling. No, no, no. Isolating, no, no, no. He is insecure. I see men who celebrate their SO's, cherish them and support their friendships, hobbies and endeavors. We are supposed to have[I] partners[/I], Pigless, not be lorded over. Partners. I am the same as you, I do not fare well with anger, it turns my stomach. I seek peace. Your SO knows this and is using it to bully and manipulate you. Sabotage and secrecy. Unacceptable. He is not your partner, or your friend in this. Pigless, I want to live on your farm, too and I haven't even seen it. I don't blame you for hanging on to this dream. I am glad that you have been taking care of things, that you are financially sound without SO, you have established that, so it is not [I]finances[/I] that would force you to hang on. Your SO has [I]isolated you.[/I] This is not fair, we all need relationships outside of our So's, a support base. Isolation is intentional, so you feel trapped and stuck. I know this, because hubs was much the same way. Remnants of his upbringing. His father was abusive and controlling and I struggled with that dynamic that leached into our relationship. Hubs was a hardworking man, and I loved him dearly, but[I] I put up with a lot[/I], rationalizing that he was "basically a good man" [I]and he was[/I], who wrestled with the demons of a [I]horrible upbringing. [/I]It was hard. We all have our faults and shortcomings. He attempted to isolate me, too, was jealous and suspicious at times. That hurt, I was faithful to the end. But, I lived my life, worked and contributed, cared for the kids and did what I had to do to take care of my need to have friends, hobbies and relationship with others. He was resentful at times. I asserted my right to live my life. So, yes, I have experienced the attempt to isolate. The controlling and demand for immediate and complete attention. The anger. I shut it down. I was not going to live that way. It changed a bit, but it was mostly through my putting up the shield to fend it off. [I]That took a lot of energy.[/I] You deserve more, Pigless. I remember a Dear Abbey column where a writer was woeful about her man's habits and ways. Abbey remarked that women stay in relationships thinking that things will change for the better. I agree. I am sure that though you feel alone now, you would be able to [I]build friendships. [/I] You are self sufficient, self reliant, this is key. You will be able to figure things out. Take the time you need to think, Pigless, this is your life. No one should resent your need to think things through,[I] especially your SO.[/I] This is very telling about him. He is probably worried that with enough time to consider and analyze your situation, without his controlling you, you would gather the strength to choose differently. You, my friend deserve much better. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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