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Infectious Madness by Harriet Washington
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 670161" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I have been roaringly angry since I elected to uncover and heal the broken places so I can achieve internal locus of control instead of forever worrying about what someone else needs or is thinking. I swear, I was so angry again yesterday. I needed to call Direct TV. And oh boy, I just hate that stupid recording. And I was tired from the trip and whatever, but still. I was just shocked at the persistence and ridiculous intensity of my anger at that stupid robotic voice. Roar. I was so frustrated. At one point in my private thinking, I was word searching for worse bad words to think.</p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>I just told myself "ROAR All the bad words I know!" </p><p></p><p>That is how I thought about it.</p><p></p><p>Angry and searching for words bad enough to describe it and an attitude to display it and everything to do with anger all together is so stupidly wasteful and yet, there I was. All outrageously angry over nothing.</p><p></p><p>Ha!</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/919Mad.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":919Mad:" title="Mad :919Mad:" data-shortname=":919Mad:" /></p><p></p><p>Exploring my own anger has been the strangest thing.</p><p></p><p>I too worry that I will be stuck in it but I think what happens is that after awhile we just choose something different. Some way of seeing the thing that once made us so angry we actually had to word search for bad enough, ugly enough words to express it. (!) </p><p></p><p>Like I was doing yesterday.</p><p></p><p>What a strange thing.</p><p></p><p>I will keep reporting back on that one. I would like internal locus of control where anger is concerned, too.</p><p></p><p>All right, so now I need to go and read the rest of this thread to see what else you all have been up to while I have been away.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Oh, roar Copa. I am still so angry about it, when I think of the position of responsibility that man held, and of the way he used his access to you.</p><p>I wish you had been brought up by a gentle, intelligent man who understood you value.</p><p></p><p>Not a weak and broken man.</p><p></p><p>My father was gentle, intelligent...but he did not understand my value, either. I always had the feeling he was amazed at me. But he did not defend me when my mother decided to play her games.</p><p></p><p>He did not defend, he did not reach out, he did not stand up for me.</p><p></p><p>For us, the task is to realize we did merit protection and cherishing. Our fathers should have been deeply in love with us, and I don't mean in any wrong way.</p><p></p><p>Theirs was the loss, or the lack of courage.</p><p></p><p>My father did love me. He did not love me enough.</p><p></p><p>It's that anger thing, you guys. I want to see where this thinking leads. I can do that here because we are anonymous. In all of my life, I have never allowed myself to think badly of my parents or sibs. I would not see what was, and would believe we would all do better and proceed on that basis.</p><p></p><p>Had I demanded more, it is likely I would have received it.</p><p></p><p>Or, been shunned sooner.</p><p></p><p>Which at least is honest.</p><p></p><p>Since that has always been my default setting, I imagine I will come back into balance in that way. I am no longer afraid of my anger. It is so ridiculously all encompassing and yet, somehow so useless a thing. You should have seen me word searching for more, and better, bad words yesterday! <em>To talk to some stupid robot at Direct TV.</em></p><p></p><p><em>?</em></p><p></p><p>For heaven's sake.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>Isn't that something, Witz?</p><p></p><p>They say too that a part of it could be that we are too clean. There is some beginning research about whether exposure to allergens before our first birthdays protects us from developing asthma later in life. That if we miss that window of exposure, we will experience an immune response if we are exposed to certain fungi and etc as adults.</p><p></p><p>The exciting thing is that once we know the how and why, we may be able to come up with cures. Asthma, depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), bipolar, schizophrenia, no more fearsome than syphilis is, or rabies is, now.</p><p></p><p>What an extraordinary thing.</p><p></p><p>Witz?</p><p></p><p>Hello, there.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 670161, member: 17461"] I have been roaringly angry since I elected to uncover and heal the broken places so I can achieve internal locus of control instead of forever worrying about what someone else needs or is thinking. I swear, I was so angry again yesterday. I needed to call Direct TV. And oh boy, I just hate that stupid recording. And I was tired from the trip and whatever, but still. I was just shocked at the persistence and ridiculous intensity of my anger at that stupid robotic voice. Roar. I was so frustrated. At one point in my private thinking, I was word searching for worse bad words to think. ? I just told myself "ROAR All the bad words I know!" That is how I thought about it. Angry and searching for words bad enough to describe it and an attitude to display it and everything to do with anger all together is so stupidly wasteful and yet, there I was. All outrageously angry over nothing. Ha! :919Mad: Exploring my own anger has been the strangest thing. I too worry that I will be stuck in it but I think what happens is that after awhile we just choose something different. Some way of seeing the thing that once made us so angry we actually had to word search for bad enough, ugly enough words to express it. (!) Like I was doing yesterday. What a strange thing. I will keep reporting back on that one. I would like internal locus of control where anger is concerned, too. All right, so now I need to go and read the rest of this thread to see what else you all have been up to while I have been away. Oh, roar Copa. I am still so angry about it, when I think of the position of responsibility that man held, and of the way he used his access to you. I wish you had been brought up by a gentle, intelligent man who understood you value. Not a weak and broken man. My father was gentle, intelligent...but he did not understand my value, either. I always had the feeling he was amazed at me. But he did not defend me when my mother decided to play her games. He did not defend, he did not reach out, he did not stand up for me. For us, the task is to realize we did merit protection and cherishing. Our fathers should have been deeply in love with us, and I don't mean in any wrong way. Theirs was the loss, or the lack of courage. My father did love me. He did not love me enough. It's that anger thing, you guys. I want to see where this thinking leads. I can do that here because we are anonymous. In all of my life, I have never allowed myself to think badly of my parents or sibs. I would not see what was, and would believe we would all do better and proceed on that basis. Had I demanded more, it is likely I would have received it. Or, been shunned sooner. Which at least is honest. Since that has always been my default setting, I imagine I will come back into balance in that way. I am no longer afraid of my anger. It is so ridiculously all encompassing and yet, somehow so useless a thing. You should have seen me word searching for more, and better, bad words yesterday! [I]To talk to some stupid robot at Direct TV.[/I] [I]?[/I] For heaven's sake. Isn't that something, Witz? They say too that a part of it could be that we are too clean. There is some beginning research about whether exposure to allergens before our first birthdays protects us from developing asthma later in life. That if we miss that window of exposure, we will experience an immune response if we are exposed to certain fungi and etc as adults. The exciting thing is that once we know the how and why, we may be able to come up with cures. Asthma, depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), bipolar, schizophrenia, no more fearsome than syphilis is, or rabies is, now. What an extraordinary thing. Witz? Hello, there. :hugs: Cedar [/QUOTE]
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