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Infectious Madness by Harriet Washington
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 670310" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Leafy, there is information on FOO Chronicles on the black sheep. In a dysfunctional family, there will always be a black sheep. It has so little to do with the child seen as the black sheep. Black sheep is a role assigned in dysfunctional families. There is information too, on FOO Chronicles, on the rigidity in roles assigned in dysfunctional families. Everything is so chaotic that there is no role fluidity. No one can be themselves. One is bad, one is good, one is ignored ~ whatever it is that serves the dysfunction, that is what happens to the people in that family system.</p><p> </p><p>Persona non grata.</p><p></p><p>Do some research on the black sheep role, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>That's just breaking my heart.</p><p></p><p>Invisible, when you were a beautiful little girl with a world of potential, made to serve instead a role so the family could lurch through life with their dysfunctions intact.</p><p></p><p>roar</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are standing up, now. I don't understand either why sibs stay in the same roles we had when we were little kids. I did it too, though.</p><p>It was the strangest thing, Leafy. As we went through uncovering and facing down traumatic things through these past months on FOO Chronicles, one of the most surprising things to me was that things had been so awful. Especially with my sister, but with each of my sibs, things had always been so weirdly out of balance. I didn't know any better. I was so surprised. I realized I had excused every weirdness because I believed we could do it. We could make family out of what was left, if we tried. But it seemed the old games were roaring along full strength. They were so familiar to me that I didn't see the wrongness in them. </p><p></p><p>Good, good for you Leafy, that you can see clearly what was not right. Once we know what we did have, and once we realize that the little girls (or boys) we were grew up emotionally starved, then we can think about what we needed and did not receive.</p><p></p><p>Then, we can provide that for ourselves. In the beginning, we learn to stop judging ourselves as we were judged, in our families of origin. We learn to hold ourselves with compassion, and to see our loneliness, and our incredible courage. For me, there was so much contempt, in every aspect of self, boiling away. It was very difficult to face it down. Each time I uncovered something (and it would begin with something similar to what you are describing, Leafy, with the phrase persona non grata) I would return to the imagery or the phrase again and again. Over a few days time, sometimes longer, the feelings, so long frozen, would burst through. I had been reading Brene Brown (a shame researcher). Her advice is just to have the feelings. Name them if we can. Don't try to get away or change them or make it better or apply a prettier label. It would take about three days, and I would feel not only better, but stronger and more certain in every area of my life. It truly is as though we reclaim the energy devoted to keeping ourselves protected from feelings the little girls (or the little boys) we were when it was happening to us could not face.</p><p></p><p>So, we went numb.</p><p></p><p>It's been a difficult few months in some ways, but each time I have been able to stay with it, the resulting freedom, or largess, or largeness, was worth it. I dreamed and dreamed, through this time. A Victorian mansion that somehow became mine. I was so afraid of so much that was in it. Drawers and claustrophobia and spooky things. </p><p></p><p>And one day, I realized I dreamed of that very house very often.</p><p></p><p>It was the strangest thing. What I've taken away from all of it is that we are meant to be whole. It's like, if we give ourselves permission to feel now what we were too little, then, to understand, we give ourselves permission to process the material, and to heal. </p><p></p><p>It still hurts so much.</p><p></p><p>I cannot imagine what it must have been, to go through it as a child.</p><p></p><p>We will be here as you come through it too, Leafy.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 670310, member: 17461"] Leafy, there is information on FOO Chronicles on the black sheep. In a dysfunctional family, there will always be a black sheep. It has so little to do with the child seen as the black sheep. Black sheep is a role assigned in dysfunctional families. There is information too, on FOO Chronicles, on the rigidity in roles assigned in dysfunctional families. Everything is so chaotic that there is no role fluidity. No one can be themselves. One is bad, one is good, one is ignored ~ whatever it is that serves the dysfunction, that is what happens to the people in that family system. Persona non grata. Do some research on the black sheep role, Leafy. That's just breaking my heart. Invisible, when you were a beautiful little girl with a world of potential, made to serve instead a role so the family could lurch through life with their dysfunctions intact. roar I am glad you are standing up, now. I don't understand either why sibs stay in the same roles we had when we were little kids. I did it too, though. It was the strangest thing, Leafy. As we went through uncovering and facing down traumatic things through these past months on FOO Chronicles, one of the most surprising things to me was that things had been so awful. Especially with my sister, but with each of my sibs, things had always been so weirdly out of balance. I didn't know any better. I was so surprised. I realized I had excused every weirdness because I believed we could do it. We could make family out of what was left, if we tried. But it seemed the old games were roaring along full strength. They were so familiar to me that I didn't see the wrongness in them. Good, good for you Leafy, that you can see clearly what was not right. Once we know what we did have, and once we realize that the little girls (or boys) we were grew up emotionally starved, then we can think about what we needed and did not receive. Then, we can provide that for ourselves. In the beginning, we learn to stop judging ourselves as we were judged, in our families of origin. We learn to hold ourselves with compassion, and to see our loneliness, and our incredible courage. For me, there was so much contempt, in every aspect of self, boiling away. It was very difficult to face it down. Each time I uncovered something (and it would begin with something similar to what you are describing, Leafy, with the phrase persona non grata) I would return to the imagery or the phrase again and again. Over a few days time, sometimes longer, the feelings, so long frozen, would burst through. I had been reading Brene Brown (a shame researcher). Her advice is just to have the feelings. Name them if we can. Don't try to get away or change them or make it better or apply a prettier label. It would take about three days, and I would feel not only better, but stronger and more certain in every area of my life. It truly is as though we reclaim the energy devoted to keeping ourselves protected from feelings the little girls (or the little boys) we were when it was happening to us could not face. So, we went numb. It's been a difficult few months in some ways, but each time I have been able to stay with it, the resulting freedom, or largess, or largeness, was worth it. I dreamed and dreamed, through this time. A Victorian mansion that somehow became mine. I was so afraid of so much that was in it. Drawers and claustrophobia and spooky things. And one day, I realized I dreamed of that very house very often. It was the strangest thing. What I've taken away from all of it is that we are meant to be whole. It's like, if we give ourselves permission to feel now what we were too little, then, to understand, we give ourselves permission to process the material, and to heal. It still hurts so much. I cannot imagine what it must have been, to go through it as a child. We will be here as you come through it too, Leafy. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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