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Infectious Madness by Harriet Washington
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 670348" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I have never really thought of myself as the "black sheep". I shall have to research and process this one, Cedar. It kind of surprised me, actually. I was the "good" child. I remember once my Dad lined us up for a lecture and a "confession". My brother and sister pulled the "wasn't me" card, I could not bring myself to lie to my father, and broke down in sobbing tears, telling the whole story. I think that was part of my troubles with my siblings, I was not in cahoots with them.</p><p>We had a lot of freedom as youngsters. We could ride our bikes, explore the forrest, go to our neighbors.</p><p>I must have been the third wheel, where brother and sister were concerned, the annoying baby sister that they had to take with them.</p><p></p><p>In my teen aged years, I was a hellion. I became a Difficult Child. Child of the seventies. The imagination can run wild with that one sentence alone.</p><p></p><p>I think there is much to be said about birth order. Somewhere here, there is discussion about pecking order in the animal kingdom. I think it is much the same with siblings. There is a pecking order. Since my sister was such a strong personality, so dominant, she was calling the shots. We were not supervised like children of today. There were no organized sports, we were entrusted to roam free, play childhood games.There were no adults watching our every move, looking after us. Sister, did and still does have an amazing sense of herself, what she wants, a need to control. This played a large part in my development, I think I got swallowed up. She was ALPHA. </p><p></p><p>As I step out of the underling role now, it jolts her.</p><p></p><p></p><p>You know Cedar, I do not know of any "Functional" families. Do you? I know of families that on the surface seem to have such a wonderful life, their kids are doing great. I am sure there were and are moments of dysfunction that I have no idea of.</p><p></p><p>Looking back at my past, in trying to discover what makes me tic, I see that my parents were trying their best to be parents in a quickly changing world.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it is something in my post to Believe, who is agonizing over her Difficult Child, whether or not her affair and leaving her husband resulted in her sons problems as an adult with drugs.</p><p></p><p>It comes back to my Dads favorite saying "it is what it is."</p><p></p><p>The simplicity and the complexity of that.</p><p></p><p>Deep, underneath our lives stories and our experiences with our Foo, there are reams of psycho analyses, scholarly explanations of what makes people act as they do. That's the complex.</p><p>The simple is, we are all imperfect humans. Trying to live our lives as best we can, under different circumstances.</p><p></p><p>Woven in between that is this wonderful, crazy, unpredictable world full of unique individuals trying to find their own way.</p><p></p><p>My two G-F-G's can recount stories to me of mistakes I made, and regrettably there is much truth there. But I tried, Cedar, damn, I tried to be a good mother. All I can tell them is that I did the best I could under the circumstances, that I made mistakes, that I couldn't go back in time and change anything, that I am sorry, but their life is their life, their choices, their choices.</p><p></p><p>It is the same thing my sister posted on Facebook (without the apology).</p><p></p><p>I think my Mom was so caught up in being the perfect wife (she tells of ironing my Dads boxers, and sheets for God's sake!), keeping the perfect house, caring for us, she did not look beneath the surface of things. My Dad was a hard working man, former Marine, he liked his home to be "just so." How can a household of six very different people be "just so?"</p><p></p><p>In between my memories of teasing and torment from my siblings I have some very vivid memories of wonderful family times. In all of that, for some reason, I did not learn to have a strong sense of self.</p><p>Which came first the chicken or the egg? Was it dysfunction, birth order, or was there some intrinsic part in my personality, that made me more vulnerable, more sensitive? Did this come off as weakness? Did I eventually become persona non grata, or was I born with the emptiness?</p><p></p><p></p><p>Pecking order. Good lord my sister was a tough cookie. I think my Mom gave into her, just to get her to shut up. It was easier. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I wonder what will become of us when Mom goes. Family is so important. But I see many examples of the elders in families dying, and the traditions and gatherings die with them. Little sister married into a big, loving close knit Irish family. They are constantly getting together for holidays. She laments that we are not the same, and we aren't the same.</p><p>We left, moved to Hawaii, there was no family here. We were not raised to be close knit. We were left to kind of raise ourselves in many respects, our individuality was applauded, and still is.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am familiar with this numbing, in myself, and definitely with the hubs. He withstood some horrible times with his FOO.</p><p></p><p>The struggle to forget/remember what was deeply buried as a result of the child coping skill of numbing. Baggage. Rinse and repeat. Patterning. I have acted it out in my life, not knowing what I was doing, until retrospect hit me in the face with it. This is why I go back, to understand. It does not put me in the category of blame seeking, because I take responsibility for my choices. I do so want to grow and to prevent myself from making bad choices based on the old role, persona non grata. Invisibility, self doubt, low self esteem. What a delicate balancing act life is, important to love ourselves, but not overmuch, that we become selfish and self serving!</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes Cedar, healing. Permission to feel. As children, how could we grasp that? Left to our own devices, and our siblings around us, how were we to defend ourselves? How was I to get out of the pecking order selected for me, while still in the flock? If my Mother couldn't find ways to overcome the dominant traits of my sister, how in the world could I?</p><p></p><p>You know whats funny Cedar? In connection with the two discussions here about the hubs and FOO, when my sis moved over here lock stock and barrel in the hopes of us having a "happy ever after relationship", the hubs did not object. While sis was freshly arrived, I had a pre planned weekend trip to an outer island. Unbeknownst to me, the hubs invited Tornado, Volcano (Difficult Child and insignificant other) and the three grands over. They are a havoc wreaking,loud, stampede through the house, crazy, chaotic blur.</p><p></p><p>My sis, after years of living on her own, full of her "I'll be the Aunty and Great Aunty and straighten them out" visions..... retreated to her room, shaken and horrified.</p><p></p><p>That was her basis for leaving the dream.</p><p></p><p>"Oh my God, it's a mess" she said, "Why didn't you tell me" (Of course I told her a thousand times over, she was my go to.)</p><p></p><p>I did not understand why the hubs invited the tribe over, he was not in the habit of doing that.</p><p></p><p>I now deduce, in his infinite Neanderthal wisdom, that he knew my sis was domineering, and the dream was not going to work, so he quickly extinguished it with the reality of my crazy D-C and her children. </p><p></p><p>By inviting them over-he exterminated my Sis from our house.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I am glad for your friendship, wit, intellect, support, and camaraderie!</p><p></p><p>There is a saying "Friends are the family we choose."</p><p></p><p>We all have sad, hard experiences with sisters, I think we are finding over cyber space that we have found awesome substitutes!</p><p></p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 670348, member: 19522"] I have never really thought of myself as the "black sheep". I shall have to research and process this one, Cedar. It kind of surprised me, actually. I was the "good" child. I remember once my Dad lined us up for a lecture and a "confession". My brother and sister pulled the "wasn't me" card, I could not bring myself to lie to my father, and broke down in sobbing tears, telling the whole story. I think that was part of my troubles with my siblings, I was not in cahoots with them. We had a lot of freedom as youngsters. We could ride our bikes, explore the forrest, go to our neighbors. I must have been the third wheel, where brother and sister were concerned, the annoying baby sister that they had to take with them. In my teen aged years, I was a hellion. I became a Difficult Child. Child of the seventies. The imagination can run wild with that one sentence alone. I think there is much to be said about birth order. Somewhere here, there is discussion about pecking order in the animal kingdom. I think it is much the same with siblings. There is a pecking order. Since my sister was such a strong personality, so dominant, she was calling the shots. We were not supervised like children of today. There were no organized sports, we were entrusted to roam free, play childhood games.There were no adults watching our every move, looking after us. Sister, did and still does have an amazing sense of herself, what she wants, a need to control. This played a large part in my development, I think I got swallowed up. She was ALPHA. As I step out of the underling role now, it jolts her. You know Cedar, I do not know of any "Functional" families. Do you? I know of families that on the surface seem to have such a wonderful life, their kids are doing great. I am sure there were and are moments of dysfunction that I have no idea of. Looking back at my past, in trying to discover what makes me tic, I see that my parents were trying their best to be parents in a quickly changing world. Maybe it is something in my post to Believe, who is agonizing over her Difficult Child, whether or not her affair and leaving her husband resulted in her sons problems as an adult with drugs. It comes back to my Dads favorite saying "it is what it is." The simplicity and the complexity of that. Deep, underneath our lives stories and our experiences with our Foo, there are reams of psycho analyses, scholarly explanations of what makes people act as they do. That's the complex. The simple is, we are all imperfect humans. Trying to live our lives as best we can, under different circumstances. Woven in between that is this wonderful, crazy, unpredictable world full of unique individuals trying to find their own way. My two G-F-G's can recount stories to me of mistakes I made, and regrettably there is much truth there. But I tried, Cedar, damn, I tried to be a good mother. All I can tell them is that I did the best I could under the circumstances, that I made mistakes, that I couldn't go back in time and change anything, that I am sorry, but their life is their life, their choices, their choices. It is the same thing my sister posted on Facebook (without the apology). I think my Mom was so caught up in being the perfect wife (she tells of ironing my Dads boxers, and sheets for God's sake!), keeping the perfect house, caring for us, she did not look beneath the surface of things. My Dad was a hard working man, former Marine, he liked his home to be "just so." How can a household of six very different people be "just so?" In between my memories of teasing and torment from my siblings I have some very vivid memories of wonderful family times. In all of that, for some reason, I did not learn to have a strong sense of self. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Was it dysfunction, birth order, or was there some intrinsic part in my personality, that made me more vulnerable, more sensitive? Did this come off as weakness? Did I eventually become persona non grata, or was I born with the emptiness? Pecking order. Good lord my sister was a tough cookie. I think my Mom gave into her, just to get her to shut up. It was easier. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. I wonder what will become of us when Mom goes. Family is so important. But I see many examples of the elders in families dying, and the traditions and gatherings die with them. Little sister married into a big, loving close knit Irish family. They are constantly getting together for holidays. She laments that we are not the same, and we aren't the same. We left, moved to Hawaii, there was no family here. We were not raised to be close knit. We were left to kind of raise ourselves in many respects, our individuality was applauded, and still is. I am familiar with this numbing, in myself, and definitely with the hubs. He withstood some horrible times with his FOO. The struggle to forget/remember what was deeply buried as a result of the child coping skill of numbing. Baggage. Rinse and repeat. Patterning. I have acted it out in my life, not knowing what I was doing, until retrospect hit me in the face with it. This is why I go back, to understand. It does not put me in the category of blame seeking, because I take responsibility for my choices. I do so want to grow and to prevent myself from making bad choices based on the old role, persona non grata. Invisibility, self doubt, low self esteem. What a delicate balancing act life is, important to love ourselves, but not overmuch, that we become selfish and self serving! Yes Cedar, healing. Permission to feel. As children, how could we grasp that? Left to our own devices, and our siblings around us, how were we to defend ourselves? How was I to get out of the pecking order selected for me, while still in the flock? If my Mother couldn't find ways to overcome the dominant traits of my sister, how in the world could I? You know whats funny Cedar? In connection with the two discussions here about the hubs and FOO, when my sis moved over here lock stock and barrel in the hopes of us having a "happy ever after relationship", the hubs did not object. While sis was freshly arrived, I had a pre planned weekend trip to an outer island. Unbeknownst to me, the hubs invited Tornado, Volcano (Difficult Child and insignificant other) and the three grands over. They are a havoc wreaking,loud, stampede through the house, crazy, chaotic blur. My sis, after years of living on her own, full of her "I'll be the Aunty and Great Aunty and straighten them out" visions..... retreated to her room, shaken and horrified. That was her basis for leaving the dream. "Oh my God, it's a mess" she said, "Why didn't you tell me" (Of course I told her a thousand times over, she was my go to.) I did not understand why the hubs invited the tribe over, he was not in the habit of doing that. I now deduce, in his infinite Neanderthal wisdom, that he knew my sis was domineering, and the dream was not going to work, so he quickly extinguished it with the reality of my crazy D-C and her children. By inviting them over-he exterminated my Sis from our house. Huh. I am glad for your friendship, wit, intellect, support, and camaraderie! There is a saying "Friends are the family we choose." We all have sad, hard experiences with sisters, I think we are finding over cyber space that we have found awesome substitutes! Leafy [/QUOTE]
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