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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 580233" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Barbara, I hope your days are getting calmer now. I thought of you this morning as I recalled something the therapist at my codependency group said to a member during our group............the member was recounting a very strong response she had to a situation that was new and involved change. She immediately jammed into control mode, future tripping on all she would have to do. The therapist pointed out how codependent behavior is a fear response and we are afraid of we don't do something and control the situation, something terrible will happen. It was helpful to me, recalling all the times I stepped in to 'save' my daughter, or others, completely overrun with fear and control. We've all learned tools to stop that run-away train, take a breath, recognize that perhaps it is not ours to control, perhaps there is a different way to respond, allowing the other to either ask for help from us at which point we can determine if in fact, we can help. Or to simply let the situation develop on it's own, without our interference. That immediate fearful response is what I've learned to curtail. That's my fear, I have control over that. Once I can change my response, not jump in to control or fix it, often, as in your case, the situation resolves itself, but even if it doesn't, mostly, it is not mine to fix. That response seems to be the very first step in our codependent behavior, after that, if we step in, we are now enabling which of course is a whole movie involving resentments, angers, overwhelm, control, fear, depletion, judgment............all of it. Not to say there aren't times it is appropriate to step in, I'm talking about the times it's not.</p><p></p><p>This situation you're involved in is still developing, it seems the parents are doing the right thing for the children. Your role is minimal, you can simply be grandma and allow them to all learn and grow on their own while you provide the love and care from the sidelines. They are on the front lines, not you. Take very good care of yourself. My heart is right there with you............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 580233, member: 13542"] Good morning Barbara, I hope your days are getting calmer now. I thought of you this morning as I recalled something the therapist at my codependency group said to a member during our group............the member was recounting a very strong response she had to a situation that was new and involved change. She immediately jammed into control mode, future tripping on all she would have to do. The therapist pointed out how codependent behavior is a fear response and we are afraid of we don't do something and control the situation, something terrible will happen. It was helpful to me, recalling all the times I stepped in to 'save' my daughter, or others, completely overrun with fear and control. We've all learned tools to stop that run-away train, take a breath, recognize that perhaps it is not ours to control, perhaps there is a different way to respond, allowing the other to either ask for help from us at which point we can determine if in fact, we can help. Or to simply let the situation develop on it's own, without our interference. That immediate fearful response is what I've learned to curtail. That's my fear, I have control over that. Once I can change my response, not jump in to control or fix it, often, as in your case, the situation resolves itself, but even if it doesn't, mostly, it is not mine to fix. That response seems to be the very first step in our codependent behavior, after that, if we step in, we are now enabling which of course is a whole movie involving resentments, angers, overwhelm, control, fear, depletion, judgment............all of it. Not to say there aren't times it is appropriate to step in, I'm talking about the times it's not. This situation you're involved in is still developing, it seems the parents are doing the right thing for the children. Your role is minimal, you can simply be grandma and allow them to all learn and grow on their own while you provide the love and care from the sidelines. They are on the front lines, not you. Take very good care of yourself. My heart is right there with you............ [/QUOTE]
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